Dec 14, 2013

Swinging From A Trapeze

Well the saga continues..from flowered shirts..Nice dinners and warm pubs, stuck in the cesspool of dating again.

Again, against my word and went back on POF. This time, I wrote almost nothing in my profile, stating I was unsure if I would stay on the site.I put up a plain simple picture of me at work, with shades on. I was impressed there were over 100 messages, mostly city workers, one even decided to write his entire life in a page, about his role to the city and  being a good father. Ugh Not interested. I don't even have time to date, and when I make the time..Its seems disappointing.

Lesson's learned you have to get out there and test the waters, not sure if I'm ready to actually go on a date after the last few, but nothing wrong with conversing. It is called experiencing life, and even thou I really want to share my life with someone..It clearly is just not in the cards right now. The good thing is I have booked myself for several events for Christmas, hired a physical trainer, booked several things over the next few months, school is one , mini coarse's threw my work, physio and massage for my sore body.

You cannot control the behaviors of others or the environment outside of your bubble, so you might as well , suck it up buttercup. Life is short..I'm only getting cuter:) famous words from someone I know.

So, you get your toes and nails painted, a new casual outfit and meet some outstanding friends! Mine were old staff that work in possibly one of the hardest group homes in Vancouver, 3 men wined and dined me tonight and I have to say I was more then entertained. I was their manager about 3 years ago, working school board and group homes, completely run down-however there were no behaviors for 5 years in the house , we were a team, I understood all there personality's and grew to love my little boys club. I am happy to say my 40 year old virgin burst his bubble and we were quite shocked to see the nude model he was with in kinky fishnet attire- bravo brother. My brother from another, is still single, and my True David, cause I know about 10 now, is still happily married to his polish mail order bride, who is less of a princess everyday.

They were shocked at how well I looked and asked for a ass
The gym has called me a minimum of twice a week, but more like 3. Today I did a 30min run at 8.0, 3 hours of weights and a good 30 mins of that was core, I punched the shit on the pads of the trainer-
He said my punch sucked and should look into Sugar Rays, because I had good punch, just poor technique.

At the gathering with my great boys club at the bar, I was approached by a Scotsman in his early 30's with cross bones resting above his pelvis-that was mildly exciting. There is nothing exciting about mooping around thinking of what could have been. Funny, being weird like me, I never see the cues of men trying to pick me up, clearly I have no issues with men..however I do have some standards in my middle age.

You ever hear that saying "He's Just Not That Into You" well that was my recent case, or so it appeared... There is nothing that feels good about that, especially when you set your standards above the bar. The fortunate thing is intuition, thinking positively about a situation, and sticking to ones point of how one should be treated..being me and having me in your life means most times you are treated exceptional..I expect the same. At this point in life...even if you have to make a conscious hard effort, shouldn't it be perfect? Romance? Kisses..waiting, anticipation..the the little stuff? Well frankly at this point in my life there is just no exception.

Continuing with my evening..., because quite honestly I had amazing dates with a man, then the texting started and it went to shit..I really was off kilter for a day and did not think I would be able to have a good time, actually thats a lie-I always have a piss giggling grand time with my boys club. So, I stopped off in New West to get some gas and was approached by a women in spandex, first she asked me for a cigarette, which I don't have- then she asked if I wanted to have some fun- That was extremely uncomfortable. Especially seeing as she was at least a 50 looking about 80 and grotesque. I was so shocked I had a delayed, ummm yeah, nooooo..

I can say getting out there really gives me shit to write about, made it home by 9pm to watch another sad romantic movie on the telly , make some cookies and eat them all. I could hear a drip drip..a nice new crack in my hallway with a leak, looks like the plumber needs to come and I personally think they have to rip it all apart, right up to upstairs, its eaten into the drywall, I may have to move:( sooner rather then later.

I think it was around 3am I heard noise, the ceiling cracked right threw... dealing with late plumbers, stupid landlord..the leak did stop, however I had drywall everywhere, they just threw everything everywhere with out so much as laying something down on the carpet, I had dinner plans at 6pm, and I could hear the man upstairs taking a romantic.

I was determined to just deal with it. taped 3 garbage bags over the gaping hole, and to my surprise, plans had been taken to take me out for the evening, :)

Dec 10, 2013

Playin With The Punk Kids

...Playing with Toddlers..That would be a good title for last night, how ever its my sons friends old band name. I booked The Railway Club, thinking it was low key and ok for a Monday, We got a beautiful 20yr something, singing soft indie music, that was down right depressing like she was out of some horrid breakup..beautiful voice..just not what these old school Cobalt, Funkyweinerbeans kids are used to.
My son and his 2 hipster roommates appeared last night while I was getting ready, case of Milwaukee in hand.
Felix Climaxx made her appearance of coarse..

In our family we have tattoos, and our own personal burlesque dancers for random occasion, comedians, artists, girls who shoot guns and play with boy toys..its all shits n giggles in our family. Felix is my young sons best friend, she is lovely, and came out to the little shit hole apartment for dress up with her beautiful green/blue hair to celebrate the festivities and give me my next dance class dates and pin up photo shoot idea. You can see Felixx at the Kitty Lounge, The screaming chicken theatrical group and she also does many other venues..although her page is very lacking, I will have to fix that.
That's right, its on my bucket list- I will be doing a show and a pin up calendar, teaching by Felix!
I was in dance for years, I was in ballet , then jazz..hip hop I was even in cheer leading for a short time and a go go dancer. Doing your passion is healthy. I have never tried burlesque, however I know it is a healthy fun and well respected at the Vancouver Dance School. I was always called to do all the makeup on the dancers for fashion shows, what a blast!

Last night I wore my Irish plaid blazer, my hard core vintage T-shirt that Felix nicely ripped the neckline out for me, my massive gold buckle n jeans- I still rock that shit at 40 something!This year surprisingly my son wanted  "Nice Clothing" so my gifts were the typical Hipster Classy Stuff you see youth in today, and guess what? He wore none of it!!! He wore his typical Punk ass stuff...grrrrrr

It is important to embrace your kids creative sides when they are young, I have two, one was always artsy and the other a athletic wanted sewing classes the other wanted hockey, one wanted blue hair Mohawk the other wanted professional MMA thought he was gay from bullying and the other thought joining a gang would be kewl. In the end from good morals and lots of patience I got a Chef who is straight (not that that would make a dam difference in the world) and a tradesman who is a athlete. When I see them I receive, I love you mom, a kiss a hug, taken for dinner. My oldest son calls me at random and asks if I'm ok and if I need anything asks about my day and if I'm working to hard. My young son says mom lets go for a beer..and have a talk.
They always want me at their friends get togethers, why?, cause I'm awesome!

Typically when my youngest comes to van I have to prepare myself for his choice of  company and music tastes, and here are some, hope the links work..most times I try to just be the driver..its exhausting..

Guts N Glory
with Tony Toddler
At The Wise Hall

I knew Tony when he was first starting in bands, I said Tony sing me a song, this was in my kitchen in my big house in surrey, his voice is actually amazing..he sang about a girl that fucked him over in solo..I recorded it I loved it so much..but now its idea where it went. Love this kid !



I\ve know shock load for about 4 years, I was dating someone and he was living in their house, this was very funny because I remember I told my son I had spent the night at this vintage house and their were allot of punker in the house cooking good food stuff, My son was like well maybe I know them do they have a band? The name was different back them, and my son flipped a lid, oh my god you have to invite me over I'm a huge fan..and thus a relationship was blossomed.

Reset Conformity
Adrian, been my friend since 2007 when he was preforming in Alberta,  The 40 something kid stays forever youthful and perfect in my eyes, he graced us last night to give Zak a TShirt of another great local Punk Band. The thing I love about Adrian is he looks like just another rat race kid, but in reality he is a wise old soul, totally vegan, health-nut, hardcore trades job..practices the paths of Buddha..and stays rue to his creative size, about to release a album, he is on the path to quitting his day job!

Reset is doing a show at The Electric Owl for the food bank on Tuesday Dec 17th, I will be going to show my support and donate. Won't be staying long, but I feel this is important and great that local bands are supporting Vancouver Food Bank.

I have to say my taste in music for punk is a little more subdued, like The white T\s or Transplants, Pixies N Pouges. All in all I am sad I was a ultimate FAIL in producing a grand party for my son\s 22 birthday, we did have drinks, good people and fun..but no punk show:( sorry son.

I guess I am the reflection of both my kid,s its creepy..I am super into fitness, authoritarian professions, extremely hard work..I love anything that involves outdoors and doing things like fishing, camping ...and then I have this creative side that lead me into make-up artsy , dance and sewing..I feel its awesome!

It was a great Night! I left at 11 pm and let them carry on knowing they had fare and save ways home.
I have 3 passed out boys in my
What more could a mom ask for :D

Dec 6, 2013

Love Affairs Should Be Forever...

"Love Affairs Should Be Forever", That being said, " Love affairs should be forever" we learn from our mistakes in relationships from new ones.
A man once said, "You want to talk about my 12 year failed marriage?"
If indeed you have been married any time over 10 years, kudos to you bud for keeping it alive that long.

I look back and find myself in past relationships bored, needed and codependent in the past- and once I lost everything, and threw most of it out and became self sufficient and realized I could do with less, and learned to like myself and love to be alone and enjoy friends and view my friendships loves from the outside and understand it!!!!   Well holy poop..It all makes sense.

In the last 3 months I have learned from several different partnerships. " A New Marriage" This one is quite cute, where the man has his guy nights and she has her girl nights, their agenda is a series of cute dates and they even have separate rooms, for evenings when one works super late or a guest is is all rather quite funny, they coordinate cooking nights for the week, workout schedules..I so adore.

 A pair of comfy old shoes that bring you into there warm, family and friends, they are a fairly new relationship, 5 years..but I was fortunate to be, in their presence one night at a all night sushi place, I felt like I was part of one huge family.

I think the things I miss the most about being in a relationship is getting excited that someone is coming home, sharing my stuff, cooking..routine..putting my ice cold feet on the back of a thigh...tickles..reading a bedtime story to each other..bubble baths, going to the market for dinner, dinner parties..
( oh shit, I forgot, most of this shit happened in my mind, except the cold feet, I defiantly did that to my X)

Have I ever been in love? Looking back now...I don't really think so. Not the type of love that I have seen is several of my friends relationships. You hear about that caught in your breath feeling, the butterfly feeling..the so happy your like a kid in a candy store, over something meeting for coffee. Every day reference they come to mind at random. The incredible romantic shit, where you talk all night, can't fever.

I think I was truly in love with a tree planter after my divorce, that was electric..and 3 years long-it was a relationship that actually ended OK, I didn't see a future in the future was back in van, his was not. I used to to get so excited when he would come in from camp, I used to get all those fuzzy feelings..H used to do bizarre things, he was so comfortable with himself he would just act what he wanted to do..and I followed suit like a lost puppy..that was good times..I was very young.

It is a form of love actually..I think it is important to have that feeling threw out a relationship..this requires work. I remember buying my partner 101 ways to romance, cause he was a fucking dud. Most men today associate romancing a women  with money, and it's not entirely their fault, women are very materialistic in Vancouver, I couldn't give a fuck if I bought a no name t shirt from superstore , as long as it looks good,  I have to say my three pairs of friends in relationships are true exceptions to the vast majority of women in the downtown core.

On a few dates in the last year..I have played a male?? I have pulled out the creative card to some that almost brought date said,  he had never been to the aquarium in a random conversation, I set up snacks and we went..I had gotten a beautiful card that day, you see he was a very special person, just not the person for me- so after the fun date, I gave him the card- it was a breakup card. He screamed "Why would you do this!!!!" and sped off in tears.

I''ve had a few dumps too, not literately//lol that would be gross. The dumps I have are from of coarse the men you think you want, and then when you question, its like a wake up call on a whole other ball of shit..the next day. If you are that easy to toss out, if they just text shit but don\t call..if they are confused, maybe don't want a long term relationship-however their status says so.. I'm typically fine, once I go back to the gym, have a good girl chat and look at the vast majority of men who do want me. It is hard to find a specific t[ye of guy. It is my job to read and understand people. There are some things that are just un negotiable to me.

I mean I know what I want, I know the type of man I need for me to accept in my life.. I need someone who has been in a long term relationship and understands that the little things are important in life..that quality is better than quantity in life. Family values are important.  Respect is very important and just kindness and communication.

One of my beautiful friends had been single for two years, on and off the Internet dating..duds
anyway she went to a local pub and met a man in the neighborhood. Now they only live a few blocks away, but instead of just banging, like most new relationships do, they meet for coffee, he asked if he could go on her run with her..they have dinner is incredibly cute and is developing now into something very substantial. It is a proven fact that it is the smaller communities in the lower mainland where the decent men dwell.

After you turn 40, dating in Vancouver is a joke.quite frankly a chore. I myself, as you all know, have written about dating for several years, two relationships were from online, one 6 months one 3 years. woo woo kudos to me. I have officially deleted my profile off POF, I think my profile lingers on a few smaller sites..I recently put up my friends picture of her backside, you see half a but, a blond pony tail and shes shooting a gun. Her profile was sad, she just wants to hang out..her head line was CallDarc. This was a test for the POF site, they have done nothing to fix it up. At the end of the day there were over 200 messages, I fucked with it a little bit,  some of the comments were guns n girls, hot. One dude said "Oh your new here, it a scary place, I said-thats why I have a gun" I deleted it, and wrote the maker of POF to give him my input-I mean it didnt even show her face!!

I had two dates specifically make a decision in my mind to stay off POF forever. I even put some cutting edge lingo on there-
" I am looking for a man to marry"
so did they actually read the profile? what do you think?No.

One lifer I had been talking to forever, he is extremely cute..I realized after finally meeting him for coffee that he had never ever had a relationship, it had been a revolving door of women online. He said he was picky. I said I was disappointed he never asked me on a second date ( this was before I knew he was living alone forever) He said, all you have to do is come over, hangout and bring a book. ???

The other man was just out of a long marriage, then went after a young model who broke his heart, he decided to tell me this on our date.  I realized as the week went on, it was a majority of texting conversations..horrible. I also realized he was smitten with the type of women I described above. I can dress up and be the downtown superficial looking women who expects the riches of men..but you see I could never be that, I am from a poor hardworking family originally. My mum was a artist, we were kind of hippy, I honestly don't think I could keep up the facade. I enjoy my sweatpants and doing physical work and breaking nails.

After that week of refection,  I saw a new face online, someone I had never seen cursor paused....hover hover..
scroll threw pics...all of a sudden I get a pop message. He was older. he was what a normal women, would consider had "baggage"..I thought what the hell, and left my number and deleted my profile. See what the universe does this time. The thing that stood out was he had been married a long time, however divorced a long time, he had more freedom, and he seemed like he was warm and fuzzy. He looked like a average tradesman.  His Profile, meat n potatoes. there was something that starred back.

I typically have a thing for artsy fartsy, or highly educated business men. However on this particular evening I was thinking about want I really wanted in my life, that matched some of my qualities, he hit everyone!!I do not need- wanted ( because I am defiantly at the point where I do not NEED a man) Do I want someone to share my life with?  absolutely! I wanted a active partner, like, hiking travel..being out and about in try new things, I wanted a hardworking man, someone with family morals and values, old school, proper..and also intelligent- Domesticated was important. I love learning new things. I was looking for someone who really was past looks and social status but looked after themselves and valued health in general.

 I could see all that in this mans face. I mean there are many men like that, however this person just popped out when I was re-thinking of what is important to me.  It really doesn't matter about the guy, it could of been any guy, it was just the point that I realized that I was not interested in what I thought I was, and he popped out. I was actually thinking how grand it would be to really focus on my mini trips to michu pichu hike, and a few other mini destinations.

So I have had my profile deleted for a month now, and I find that I am enjoying my re-connected old time friend , and her friend, I am doing more- like the gym and yoga. I am sleeping more, I am reading great books, cooking better and enjoying work more.

I guess what I am trying to say here, is I am now at a point, that I will ADD to someones life immensely not hinder it. I have gone threw all I need to go threw to realize I would be a gift to have in someones life, and I want the same. I do not want to do the dating in Vancouver, courting a person-yes. so you meet, you realize there is chemistry and you go what feels natural you give all that you have to that one person, that means knowing them as a friend with relationship intentions. bringing them into your world, making compromise and acceptations, thinking about them before you...if you do that , its a no brainier.  The man is meant to lead, in the beginning, I feel this is important because this makes his feel of value and worth.The women is meant to be feminine and soft and sweet..then later you can all wear the pants when you are actually a team.

Men online have no balls, the excessive texting the ridiculous meet ups,  there a few men who are new and try it and realize its one big game of thrones.
In real life men rarely go up to a girl and make a move, this is the best part of living! Phone calls are amazing!
its even more amazing now a days when you get a call from a man of interest because it never happens!!
Dating is just lameo in Vancouver, I was relying on the referral method, and I have to say there are some good referrals- My friend Shoebox has a amazing referral, he keeps dating the wrong women thou, and I think he enjoys it, the freedom for now with work n such: he's a back, I have to write him a letter and tell him that if we are both single at 50 we should just fuck and get it over with and go from there, or jump off the  Granville Bridge together" "If Lucy Fell" best movie ever, Lucy dates..her first date, take's a two hour shit in her bathroom after the date, her roommate (A guy, comes home) and its just hilarious, her roommate is in love with a model next door, it all seems hopeless..they write a contract to marry or fall of the bridge...they actually fall for each other, very cute. Sure that could be me and the referral,  he does look like a model n all. You know there is something about dating your friends best friend, I think that should be taboo or something.

My last Quote of the Night...

If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from that was past comforts to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."
 Eat Love Pray

GVix Signing off on...Love Affairs Should Be Forever

Oct 31, 2013

“The severing of an established connection is exponentially more painful than the rejection of an attempted connection.” 

Oct 30, 2013

The New FaBuLous Yuppie Girl

I was raised with healthy food, meat potato's, veggies, good bread... all the things that the media says will kill you today. I have changed my food preference, but only because I had to.

I want to be the new Yuppie  Girl!!! God dam it!! If I eat this crap, will I look like them? Be radiant and happy all the time?..hmmm..probably not. However I can have this behavior, easy peasy..all good things happen when you have a great attitude.

I was running late today, my little lunch that I did have exploded in my  lunch kit-its between pay periods, I took a week off and feel like I am rubbing two bread sticks together because of not having my typical veggies for juicing, my fancy salads and wraps per day. I had frezzer defrosted turkey stew that had escaped threw out my bag.

She entered the room, with radiant skin, and yogi clothing, linen carefree pants, a cool long sweater top thingy..little fabric shoes, I was thinking to myself, she must not do what I do, as I sat in my cargo pants, runners and 3 layers of sweatshirts, zero makeup- that's right boys, no sexy pencil skirt or specks when I go to work, I'm full on action with my kids.

Fortunately I was put to the task of baking the class pumpkin seeds, just before lunchtime, the staff room, they always have treats, cookies, fresh veggies for staff. I was in the new supermarket in this school. As I looked I couldn't help but sample everything, it was heaven to my mouth. A cute little girl caught me in the action. "What are you doing Mrs G?" I could only describe this little girl, like this picture I found on the internet.

This is the new, granola based, whole food child with actually 100 dollar Ecco leather calf boots on, with the hippy, retro look.- Adorable right?
Mothers are teaching there children early to eat like what our vegans taught us, clothing quality at any cost and chemically enhanced hair-oxy moron or what?

The lunch boxes are full of many many cute little containers, filled with nuts, berries, assorted seaweed and herds, and lastly a large Thermos of organic, gluten free noodles. I think about the horrible lunches I made for my kids, cheese and baloney, one time I found my son had stolen boxes of jello powder and took it in his lunch, the teachers must of thought I was on crack.

"What are you doing Ms G" "Are the seeds done?, you didn't add salt did you?" I looked at the child like she was my mother..I actually added about 2 tablespoons of the sea salt, from the cranker on the counter, but said nothing".I am just having a....a snack," suddenly I felt completed to explain my whole situation to the 6 year old. :" Annie, I m diabetic and I thought while I was making the class seeds \I would have a snack because my sugar levels are quite low today" Realizing in the moment, the child probably would have no idea what I was talking about, Annie said.." should have 100% juice then, I am sure our cafeteria lady would be happy to give you one, I sure hope you have a tester thing with you, see you in class Ms G!"

I was stunned...bugger..:/
Holy crap did that just happen?

This week I very much wanted to see what my friend writes about "Helicopter Parent" Dam it, I could not find the story, so I posted this article instead.

I did see a helicopter parent today, it actually was quite horrifying..It was recess, the 8 year old boy was trying desperately to get away from his mother while she force fed him Asian noodles, all his friends were laughing, she zipped his coat up to the neck line and put a fire mans rain cap on his head, (it was not raining earlier today) I secretly sent him telepathic message "scream no!, have a tantrum on the playground, I got your back kid" I could see the emotionally absent Asian husband clearly in my mind..ugh..its real, I hope that my boys thank me some time, that I was never at their school in recess, lunch or even parent teacher nights most times..all these years of guilt for providing for my kids and working 3 jobs, Id rather be a stressed out working parent than this parent. or..a parent who found Mr Right, and was happily married and he took on his share of parental duties...I thought it was only in the movies, but no..I see dads all the time going to morning reading time..coming to drop off lunch..and staying after the bell to shoot baskets..

So as I was saying the list of yummy samples I did try...

Granola Girl

Made in Vancouver, cute pink packaging and the perfect yuppie girl logo, however when I Googled the creator it was a women who apparently excels in marketing, not Caucasian-that's all I'm going to say about that.Granola Girl, tastes like all the other plain granola I have tasted, quite delicious, probably 10 bucks a bag. Its like the Holy Crap food- great marketing!
The Official Granola

Rosemary Raisin Crisp by Open Nature- Amazing Balls! Had them before, buy them often even if there is only 12 in a box and cost 6 dollars, except I buy Rain coast.

Le Dain Des Fleur's-Organic Chestnut Crisp Bread-yummy

Kozy Shack Dessert-Barf, I was scared to try it, its lumpy.

Teriyaki Veggie Krunch by Alive & Radiant, looks like marijuana, tastes so good, I refrained from eating the entire bag.

Snack Salad Snap Peas-by Calbee - Very tasty and delicious

Dried granny smith apple crisps by Bare Fruit-I have decided that I will have these in a large bag at all times.
My idea of a healthy snack for iron levels for me was boring, my juice and my dried seaweed snacks, I am soon to find out that there are assorted flavors and organic ones..? isn't seaweed organic?
The best snack I have also tried recently is USANA cookies and treats,the all natural energy drinks-
today was a day I really needed a supplement to manage my low blood sugar, and yes I raided the staff room-what a educational experience, and expensive one:(

Definition of a Yuppie
Acronym for Young Urban Professional. Group whose culture blends the hippie/counterculture values of the 60s and the materialistic monetary-based values of the 80s. Usually congregate in Starbucks, Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, and a wide variety of vintage clothing boutiques. Includes both moderate Liberals (Majority of yuppies), and moderate Conservatives (smaller group of yuppies), although both the far left and the far right enjoy dissing them.
far left dude: I hate these damn yuppies! They claim to be "artists" and "bohemians", yet their materialistic pursuits embody the very antithesis of the counterculture, and price real "artists" like me out of the neighborhoods they move to!

far right dude: I hate these damn yuppies. I can't stand they flaunt their metro sexuality with their designer labels, lattes, luxury cars, and globally conscious health food stores.

I am over joyed that are children of today are getting the education on healthy eating, and am stunned that I have had children refuse treats, so what do they do on Halloween? " Trick or treat, organic known only please!" at the door?

Well that was my day...
Had a splendid afternoon nap dreaming I could travel the world and write about it
and woke up to Sushi the fat Pug Snoring

....Follow the Yellow Brick Road.....
Gvix Signing off..

Oct 26, 2013

Get Ready ...For PROSPECT 5

This video is the foundation of why I started my own company, Years of Working in Residential Care and
mental health, this routine is not only the normal..It is the heartbreaking reality of Vancouver- This life affects our love life..of temperament, our behaviors...
December 1st my own company will be launched live and viral-
Get ready for PROSPECT 5
stay tuned!
Please Enjoy this video-it speaks volumes.

Oct 23, 2013

The Pogues - Love you 'Till the End Lyrics

Mean People..Gvixen on a Vent

I stat this quote on so many levels...because mean people folks, are just a fucking lesson to the higher road. I can be irritated, but I will never show this to my fellow comrades. I may tell the tales of the assholes I encounter in life, female and male, But I will never let this affect my behavior..shall we proceed with today's rant? lets.. move on., shit this may be a behavior right now.

I had a day were I encountered mean people, all day in fact. I have been known at times to be insensitive and have a tone that can be taken wrongly. Sometimes text messages come across wrong as well, however once I realize this, I am quick to adjust these messages and I can say, I have a good heart, good intentions and am kind.

Today, I met people who were not. I was assaulted at one of my jobs today. Temper in tact, filed a report and marched home and loved my dog. I then went on good old POF to do some cheering up, I have two interests that I have been chatting with. I see a old friend, who deleted me for some unknown reason-we had gone on one date, which was uneventful , however I did enjoy the date.

We re-exchange numbers, and I tell him I was disappointed with the date, meaning no chemistry, he pulls a god dam ninja on me.
deletes me, tells me good bye..and is actually a total asshole, the worst part is understanding why a person does that. In the text  messages I said he was cute, I said I enjoyed being his friend, I said I\d like to have him over for movie night, apparently he felt I said he was inadequate. Well, I just found are you are inadequate you fuckhead. you are a angry person and don't deserve my time. you know who you are.
Angry little chef man

no its not the milkman, the baker, its the angry chef.
and that's what he looks like too. Then it just swells larger...the evening swells into a bunch of angry men this week, so I felt a need to write or rather vent about it.

I have another POF male friend who also was odd this week, he helped me allot, and I know he has a very kind heart..this week, he meets my friend, he seems horrible at first time appearance. no smile, Happy Hello, I mean, my freind is hot, cute and going home alone-and my firend did message her once with my refferal, and instead he pulls a lameo grouchy appearance? Unacceptable.
This week he deletes his Facebook, says rude text answers on my random chat.
WTF is going on? so you haven't got laid, so you got dumped, your job sucks..its fucking Monday
who the fuck cares, you know we attract negative energy to negative attitude right.

I dispise these type of people that bring my day down. I have a friend who I reference all the time, because to me hes a god dam god, my Italian (yes sorry your in here again) I have seen this man go threw some real hard shit, with family with himself, with almost no income, but when he enters any room he has a huge smile, he always gives me that smile and a massive hug, and if I had my friends around he would do the same thing. 

There is one thing about being pissed off and another with projecting it into the universe.
for example, if I meet my Italian for coffee, I get the hug, smile double are you? tell me whats going on then, only them, he may say with a smile " oh well this week was shit" and go into a story, but by then its just a funny story. 
Unfortunately my Italian would also say something like, "It's all relative Gold, get a nice corner swing for the bedroom, find yourself a random fuck and enjoy the new pleasures of sexual pain threshold" "all that negative will be out the window" Explore your outer limits Gold" 
Sigh..yeah hes also a kinky fuck, and me...helpless romantic. This would of coarse be said in his best attire, a expensive cup of the best Italian American, without the slightest flicker of hesitation of humor.

I was so angry by the angry chef, I went into my massive 200 messages on pof and thought, fuck being nice, lets just message the fucking lot of them.

"Hi , I appreciate your interest, however I have no interest in you, or dating for that matter "
I hope you find what you are looking for, unfortunately its not me."

I sent this to random messages that had complemented me or some other crap for them to attempt to get laid. This site was supposed to be cleaned up.
I specifically stat on my profile, "Looking for someone to marry" meaning long term relationship, yes this can be dating at first, all leads to the same path.
however I had several messages that said "not looking for any form of commitment or relationship"
so what is that? the fucking proper way to say, Hey I just wanna fuck, ?"
Is it not a dating site?Grrrrr

The worse part about coming to terms that you are in the friend zone on a dating site, is when the guy says"I think I'm depressed and just need sex" Go fuck your dog..seriously???

I think its relative to say, I am pretty secure with my sexuality and can please myself just fine to get threw the week and don't need a new drama in my life to think that maybe I am worth just a little bit more than a dam hole for you to use, I appreciate the fact that you feel as a friend you can tell me your sexual inadequacies, but its all in the throw down.

Back in the day, around the year 2000, no duffis said this shit, if they wanted to get it on, it was a elated attempt at kissing the other women , then mad sex against a wall or something, and then you could have bragging rights saying oh shit, I just fucked my friend. I did have this once, Ricky Nashville, dam that was hot...again..gone to the wind..what am I doing wrong ladies please tell me with the massive frustration!!

Recently at a wedding I met several men with partners. One women in particular almost made me cry at what she had to say in her drunken stupor. This women is absolutely stunning, her man is of average, OK actually he is a short Italian balding man with massive charisma and charm.
As everyone was gathered, she said "these are the men who love you, adore you that you don't quite see, and if you do you are very lucky"

I forced myself to converse with the brides new husband, a few of the bridesmaids partners..and it was the same..these men were not stunners..these men all had flaws to the naked eye..these men were all beautiful.
romantic men, wonderful sickness and in health....

I sat for part of the evening..sad and alone..where is my Bart Simpson?
I was mildly entertained by a new Mr, a man that was a uncanny resemblance to Fred Flintstones, the energy this man had was as granular as the sweat from his brow. Who the fuck let such a charismatic man go?
this quickly got me out of the lonely wallflower syndrome I was feeling, I especially felt this because I was locked up in a chateau with a half naked male model walking around. OMG, this man who stayed in our hotel room was indeed from the making of Mr Right.

Do you remember that doll? with the perfect hair? who said and did everything perfect?
that's who was in our house, I remember specifically on the upper loft looking down to see him clad in a towel..tanned hairless skin ripped to perfection, glowing white teeth. Yes I had to endure this VA Jay Jay pain for 5 days of hell. I think I would rather chase Mr Fred Flintstones in a onesee around the chateau. He's large, wonderful and doesn't give a fuck. I have some insecurities...just saying, it was painful. The worse part, was he was, wow nice, sweet..
like cant you just be a asshole? then I will not feel so bad knowing there are actually men out there like you!

Right now, I don't want to try, I don't want to put on all the fucking makeup the dress..heels..go out of my routine..unless its with girlfriends that value my time, like sin city..I have never been, I vowed I would never go there after a man I dated sent me his photo in a corset I was repulsed. Then working the taboo show as security, I saw the same man in a leather cock holder prancing around at the show.NOT.

However..maybe this is something I need to do? I am definitely not a prude. I am old school, yes there is a difference. Two of my friends really want me to go. It would be better than theater I am assuming. Maybe for once in this horrible dating spree I will see a man with some actual balls.

I say this due to one specific conversation I recently had. "Don't you ever just go after what you want?" I said no. " Oh I assumed from your dating you just took what you wanted" No.
I do not chase men. This is the confusion on dating sites or otherwise..I do have a sexy appeal, a little dominant, I do have tattoos. The only time I have ever in my life taken control of a sexual situation was with a women. I am not a lesbian, but I do appreciate the one ness of women and in tune we are.

I do like the idea of a man taking control and being a leader(old school) I am not a starfish, I repeat, I am not a starfish. Once this first agenda is established I have no problem initiating sex, fully on my own. 

I do not know why it works this way, it just does. I did take what I wanted in a past relationship, but this was because the man kept petting me to the point of exhaustion. That would be special K, so I asked him to have a PJ party with me. and we did.:)

This 2qm convo and two glasses of wine is getting far to graphic. Maybe I am frustrated.with the entire male population. 

fucking surprise me already..
Night Gvix signing off.

Oct 2, 2013

I am 3

A wise soul said, you are 3 things...Brahma Vishnu Mahesh
The creator the preserver and the destroyer, you will continually change, like a wave.
or..the cycle will will create, preserve then destroy

There are three forces: Brahma shakti, Vishnu shakti, and Shiva shakti. You may have one of these predominant. Brahma shakti is the force to create something new. Vishnu shakti is maintenance and Shiva shakti is bringing in transformation, filling in life, or destroying.
Some of you have Brahma shakti. You may create well, but you may not be able to maintain. For example, you may make friends very fast, but it does not last long.
There are others who cannot create but are good at maintaining. For example, people have long lasting friendships but cannot make any new friends. In such cases, Vishnu shakti is dominant.
And then there are others who have more of Shiva shakti. They bring in new life or transformation or they can destroy the whole set up.

A monk a long time ago placed the 3 necklaces around me and said" You are 3", one around my neck two around my wrists, it has baffled me for years, so I just randomly asked my guru..and there is was..and never more true. So now I know, and can accept this about myself as a positive..I have brought many new life transformation, and I have destroyed my life, many times over to start a new transformation.

This can be perceived in many ways, moving onto he next phase..or just continually repeating the situation over and over.
The visit with my Guru was quite funny. He has inherited the gift, the funny part is it takes about 5 shots of 100% of pure Indian rum, I took one shot-that was a mistake.
Apparently the people come, ( The people in his head) and the rest of his mind shuts off..I know it sounds very hooky, but the first time I was so uncomfortable I left a birthday party. This time, it was in full effect. The house was lit with candles, the Ganesha god was surrounded with candles, if you don't know what Ganesha god is, let me explain:

Ganesha is widely revered as the remover of obstacles, the patron of arts and sciences and the Deva of intellect and wisdom. As the god of beginnings, he is honored at the start of rituals and ceremonies. This is the statue that has a elephants head.

First it is required to fill your tummy with good food, and discuss things that are of no relation to your inner questions. I actually did not plan for this reading, this was just a nice visit with my friend, he must of sensed I needed some clarity. We talked about what had been going on, while he repeatable took iPhone shots of his palm and sent them to a ancient fortune teller in India, this only cost 11,
As we enjoyed the surroundings of his house, and smoked beetle cigarettes- these make your tongue numb. There is no drug substance or nicotine in these little things, but actually I had a horrible vision of a dirty peddler rolling it in the streets of Indian, after I realized they tasted like dirt or dung. I tried it and decided maybe this isn't the wisest choice.

My Guru grabbed my palm suddenly and started talking.".they are saying, wait, wait for it.." you are not at peace" at this point in the evening my guru was still quite sober, so he remembered this part, and said-"did you get that?|" I said "yeah, Great, they said I'm not at peace". We then moved inside and sat beside one another while he held my palm and swigged the drink, then he wanted me to close my eyes and breath, when he pinched my thumb, that was when I was to exhale..well this did not go over very well, I tried ten times and it was apparently not right, then wide eyed he said loudly "you don't know, you don't know, if that, then this", he said it over and over," if that, then this".

"You don't know how to be at peace, and your entire life it has been , if I do thi,s that will come, and then you reach a goal, then its something else but you are still not at peace", then he squinted his eyes and said over and over "Judgement, Judgement Judgement"
Then it was silent, I wanted at that moment to run out.

He touched a few pressure points, behind my ear, my lower ass..I said "this is your ploy to pick up chicks, isn't it?" he laughed and said I have plenty of chicks, and then said however that is not the issue, the issue is all this pain in your body. He hit more pressure points all in my neck, shoulders, normally when a friend or someone rubs these spots they feel better, I was in excruciating pain.  He said you need some serious work here. I know this, backs out, among other things, I have no medical. ugh.

He took another swig..and said," trust trust..they are telling me at age 8 you got lost in a mall, I am aware you want to go to India with me..."
"32 was a very big and hard year for you", I stopped breathing, he said" more...".it actually got to the point the guru grabbed me and had me breath in rhythm with his chest, as my air seems to be caught. This was very uncomfortable for me, I have never been attracted to Indian men, however my friend the guru is quite athletic (A Olympic athlete  actually) with very warm eyes, extremely Canadian and kind, so at this point I had to leave, there was allot of repressed shit in there. He said, "You are also holding back passion, do you not have anyone to fill this need?, friends with benefits? I was shocked, I said, he said why? don't tell me you want to get married, I said no I deserve better, I have tried that path its not for me. This area he actually seemed a little lost in my answer..which was, "In the end of it all what do I benefit from it?" I still go home alone, I still have no one to share my daily life with...and it is like being taken with no reward or a whole five minute reward and then the party's over"

He did say I need relationships in my life, this is what I thrive on.

He opened the door. After awhile..he seemed to come back to sobriety, the alcohol doesn't really effect seems, he said that the biggest part of me to be whole is to surround myself with people that make me happy and I had not been doing this.
He pointed out he had many people who could help me and that this will all be a turning point in my life.

For 10 minutes, as the guru was talking, to whoever was speaking...a clear calm voice came and said yet were 8 yrs old and were lost-there is more to the story which really is insignificant in this blog post..I was shocked he said it.
I will have many loves, but true love wont come for several years-this is heartbreaking and I refuse to believe it. I am not to eat meat for 5 Mondays, this baffled me, however another spiritualist said this is a cleaning.
my business will be a huge success, however sacrifice is needed and I am to start living life.
I am to find what I need to live on and only use that and live life, so that the rest is free to flow as energy.
I was given several things to do
plan a shorter week, no meat for 5 Mondays, do a 3 year plan on my business.
surround myself with his network..
My website needs to be simpler
so here we begin.

This third force of “center” and “balance” is the number Three, the AOUM sound, chanted by Eastern mystics. The AOUM symbol is shaped like the number Three itself—as scholars say—denoting the balance of opposites: -

So after this meeting, at 630 am,  24hrs later I was violently ill, sweats and diarrhea..the night before I had gone to a clients house and they offered pizza, I did a good workout and was hungry..forgetting no meat, I ate two pieces. At 2pm I lost out on a deal for a 2nd vehicle and was emotionally pretty distraught, then at 3 pm I vomited, not your average vomit..sick to the stomach vomit. I then went to bed, and for two hours felt better, at 6 pm fever and my dinner came up. I honestly cannot remember the last time I vomited from a bug.
So either I have a bad flu or its because I ate the meat.

My estranged roommate rolled in at 11:00 pm, I had texted him, forewarned I have the flu..I saw him hovering around his vehicle, so I came out and said " everything OK?" he said " No can you open the door?" bear in mind I am expecting the worse due to last nights drama, where he slammed cupboards, sighing repeatably and groaning till I finally said "Ghesh, are you OK or what?", he tore off his shirt to show me his Chinese bubble sores from Chinese medicine and acupuncture.. I said "oh you got that done"..loll
He said "yeah I got lower back pain" , I said," Ewe I would never get that done..loll" , He said" I cant believe you would dismiss 10 years of historical medicine", I said "No, it just doesn't work for me, and its to raise toxins not help back pain."

Now I could be very wrong here, and that may be so..I just think its a huge expense that has little results. its like a bread yeast band aid your mother puts on a boil, except you pay 2k for it.

Anyways in the doorway he says me having the flu is a huge issue and he may go stay somewhere else-
then says ," Now Ill just go straight to my room." He walks by me like I am a total plague, goes in the bathroom for two hours and does his ritual which I can only assume is nose hair pulling, coughing up plhem and rubbing his chest hairs madly in the shower do to the morning carpet I find everyday. I think he gives himself enema's in what else would he be doing???/

My roommate is a nice man, kind man, don't get me wrong, there are just some oddities one cannot deal with, I am dealing as best I can.

I am now stoned on flu medicine and must retire..please enjoy my absence while you can :P
Got that from a crazy sista from it
GVix Signing out

Sep 12, 2013

Attention Deficit Disorder

There are some real qualities with people who have ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder.  You can get several tasks done at once. Persons are typically creative and thinking outside the box. I know this because I have it. I have a bright multi purpose resume. You learn to use it with age, but then again as I look at my wine, ..water..I wonder.

I am insanely funny to a normal person. Because I am insanely funny, the work day can been either funny or frustrating.

I am working with one of those people who thinks  "Squared"
A example of this is, "you stack the box from left to right, up and down, until you have a perfectly square neat tidy space. However, did they ever consider if you needed a box from the middle at any given moment? no, I thought not. I am in a cleaning job, a fairly difficult one.With long hours..My partner worked methodically from left to right until the two areas were sparkling clean.

I worked in one space..from books, to shelving to the bedroom floor to bagging to organizing 3 bins, to back to the bathroom. Apparently she went home laughing at me. I didn't pay any notice, till I went back to the job in the evening and quietly laughed at myself all the way home. My intent was to clear and clean a floor space that has to be accessed for a rip out, meaning the floor will have to be ripped out and inspected.

I started in the main corner and moved along the wall cleaning the floor in a strip downward, but as I am moving along, the wall  dirty, so I clean the wall, then realize shit I might as well go up and do the windows, and then thought, they are not going to see that area with the bookshelf, and then stopped and bagged 10 bags of books into the middle of the living room, sweat pouring down every core of my ass crack..I realize Id made a huge mess. I looked around after a 10 hour day, and said to myself, I'm done. and left.

You see in my mind I was thinking how clean the bookshelf would look , once done and on the other wall, but what I never thought about was how many books were actually on that shelf and that every single one was filthy:(

Another point I'd like to make-I am always right in the morning..just so the universe knows, I am correct.
I don't give a rats ass if you send a previous text that was incorrect or you phara phrase some incorrect thing I said last week, know this. I am correct in the morning, because if I am not right, you will have a grouch monkey on your hands for 2 hours till the coffee kicks in.
I have five half written books, and a million idea\s to add to them, this is frustrating. Maybe this is why my 5 books are not published..loll

God forbid I should ever have distractions in the bedroom, how ever that hasn't happened for a  very long time.

Both my kids have some signs of ADD, my eldest, they wanted to put on Ridlen, I put him in hockey, it did the trick..4 am wake up call, he was tired before school started. My youngest just starts things and doesn't finish.

The best part is conversations, my boss politely said to me many times "Can we stay on topic." I tend to come up with a experience after every god dam sentence.I don\t mean, to it just happens.

I take pride that I'm unique and in my own special category, I have the ability to learn anything.
Sometimes I  don't listen all that well, but I think I am just fed up with the human race in general, and also I listen the same way a a man does, while you are asking me how I feel, I am thinking about what colored panties I need to buy to make the outfit I have just bought be seamless..or something like that.

I have to say at times I really thought it was a problem, that there was something wrong with me.
This week has proven to show otherwise. My communication can be rushed at times, with the new yoga meditation it allows me to clear my head. In past, sometimes my communication was unclear.

I never would say this in past, but the positive mantras from yoga, have truly blessed me this week. I am also reading a book on positive effect. Any type of negative comment or energy this week , I just said something positive.

So when the big day came for me to take a old employer to court for mis treatment and slander, bulling and heartache.a year in waiting,.all that positive stopped and as I listened to all the accusations silently, I tried to think deep in my hear,t that I knew who I was. Surprisingly, I won..I was asked to leave the court room.

A few minutes later the judge came down, and said,  "I am truly sorry for what you have been threw, all files related to your disciplinary will be removed and you shall receive a full months pay as compensation".
He told the company they were a poor excuse of a company, for accredited mental health professionals and they should seriously look at there management teams.

There were a few employees from the same company..and all there cases were cleared. I feel I did justice by standing up for myself. I cried and hugged the judge and my union rep, it was 10 years of crap. It has been one hell of a week. I feel like I can finally start the life I was intended to do.

More good news came this week, I somehow managed to start my own business, linked with all my transferable skills and the company I work for. .I won a business phone line, and I have been approved for a work truck. I am elated.

Family matters seem to be at a even keel, my work is amazing. It is all coming together. I have been approved to Homes for Humanity,  In Africa, which was inspired by a good friend. Hopefully this falls into place.

and back to the you see a pattern here? like how many things are going on at once right
I truly have never been so satisfied in the career as I am in now, even if I'm exhausted, it\s nice to know I can say, That's it for today! finish tomorrow.

Personally I like people with ADD best :)
GVix Signing off

Aug 19, 2013

My New Journey

I received my last paycheck from working in mental health on Friday. I decided to not go back, I received a letter on Wednesday stating they felt my decision was made under emotional pretense. It was not. Every day at work I hear about shit this company does..and as the picture above stats, I will not follow the chicken heads any longer.  Even though my own union wants me to make the mark, and take these guys to arbitration..I don't think it will be conducive to my health or to my new employment(bringing the stress in there). The union did call and ask that I recant my decision for the arbitration, I said "well do you think this will be their way to fire me?" They actually said yes, but we will fight it and you will only be labeled as fired for a short time. To hell with that. I was employed by 4 unions at the same time, and I have never had any grief at any of the fact they were sad to see me go and wrote me letters of good luck. I decided to leave it all.
Time to be a leader, and I don't fail in life ever..I don't want to start now.

 I silently left the money in  my bank account to decide what I would do with it, I am still in the red with current bills, however I wanted this to be my ultimate choice of what I would do with it, not enough for a trip however, but i did come to some good conclusions. I joined the corporate program in yoga, twice a day, 3 times a week. I am hoping the practice will wipe away 10 yrs of a sore back, legs, sleepless night and stomach problems. Stress the ultimate killer, and these are the signs. While I was with this company I keep referring to, I did do one intelligent thing. I visited my doctor once a month to review the stress. My doctor said, you need a full year off. This was two years ago. Instead I went to a casual employee..well I got more work then being a manager and still bullied, if not worst.

 I received the tour of the yoga studio, and made funny commentary with the lady who helped me.

I bought a book about channeling your energy into making all your wishes come true with mediation.; some aroma body mist. A 3 month pass at the gym. I walked down the street in kits, feeling really great, up to Saje to buy aroma therapy. Then the worst thing ever happened , I did a immediate pivot and exited. There in the door way was the women my X left me for, my last long term relationship.

I felt sick, I mean it has been 3 yrs..why would this bother me, irritated I would not be getting the balance aromatherapy..I kept walking, and came to a Vancouver based cute aromatherapy store. I explained what I wanted it for.  The girl said, we do have similar themes with better names( I liked she said that!) indeed they were...Dali..Oasis...
I brought a few to the counter and realized quite pricey, so I bought one to start, not ten. She said "Is everything alright?"
I told her what just happened, she said.."Omg that is horrible, nothing like a kick in the stomach and by the way it can be 10 yrs..and you'd feel the are not centered..but you will be, don't worry", to my surprise the girl added 20 samples or all sorts of goodies, I felt of coarse I called my friend.

My yoga studio offered me with the corporate plan: Sunday nights free on the beach, all my friends are welcome, 10% off everything in the studio in retail. one free complimentary session. 1 month first at 40 dollars with unlimited classes, my corporate plan will start on my birthday,Sept 23rd!! and it is 90 a month, instead of 170 a month, I have a dozen studios I can go to, and I get a discount on teaching and retreats.

I then went and got all my laundry done, smoked my last American cigarette and then spent two hours at the gym, with swimming, hot tub, sauna. I then made a kale and assortment of items in a smoothie.

I joined Color Me Rad Marathon, to support my sister who did it, It is just a 5K, I ordered the same pink hoodie and trained tonight..I let my running lag since the last running clinic. The race is on October 7th at 11am. I am excited.

I went to look at bikes, might as well "Get Totally Rad" like my slogan stats in my business. I did not buy a bike, not yet, because I just purchased a complete home office, laptop..the whole samba! I have to pay this off first, that's right I finally have a working computer and printer. It's not a Mac..:(
.....One day.

I made won ton soup from scratch. I started my finance ledger. I read up on my independent business and what is next. I spent a day with my best friends in the US, a day with JR..and I am making my way to the rest soon.

I had a fun visit with my son and met his extremely way too sexy girlfriend who was a breath of sunshine in personality, even if for a full day she was in white duct tape, as lelui from the fifth element.

I bit the bullet and got the brakes on my car done, however I got a very good deal.
I feel like my 3 days off was the start of my life. A real life of living.

I did have a few irritants and I will bring it up in hopes it comes across. I have a few people in my life who feel that life is one big text message.

I decided for the most part to just keep my reply to a minimal or respond with how I felt.
I met a few men online, not in person, but chatting online, thinking that they were worthy to have my cell number, one is quite extraordinary, he has called once, and in that call he did not ask me out.
He made all his plans via text..and I quite frankly forgot about meeting them whatsoever.

A friend I recently had a amazing day with on a sailboat, again asked me in a text the day of his arrival. I was in the states." Like call already and say, Hey I'm coming to Vancouver.

A long long X boyfriend has decided to text me for half a day every day..and although I am grateful we have reunited as friends, you would think a real voice would be appropriate, this is someone I shared a bed with, but you know what he has a girlfriend, so to him it's not real, cause it's only texting..its a bullshit barrier.

oh the fucking list goes on...and honestly if you want to meet or do a event, texting on my work cell wont grant you that, it is super stupid.

I even received a message via voice from India from my good friend Rameste today, instead of Facebook messenger, in the messenger was a recording of voice " hello, Jello..can you hear me?" I was touched.\
how is it a friend who I have only met once, chatted with a few times, has the common courtesy to give me a call from India, and these other people who apparently are interested don't.

There are large raccoon s in my carport with a skunk.

Gvixen saying"Nameste"
Signing off<3

Aug 15, 2013

Hormonal Dysfunction Crisis

I watched two movies the other night, one was wanderlust, a couple joins a commune and believes in free love, Jennifer Aniston sleeps with a partner first, and the other guy(guy from the hangover) just botches his chances all to hell, and then realizes he can't do it, he just loves his wife to much..the movie was so funny I was actually laughing out loud alone, especially the part where he is gearing up to sleep with a women on the commune and he says " I'm going to take my large testicle and slam it in the vag, vag here I come.." he goes on and on..I busted a gut. The second movie was  a love story, two young adults..dam should not have watched that movie! It had the first petting session, make out session..and it was rather hot, and I thought Jesus Christ, when was the last time I actually felt like that? it was like a dam hour of torture till they fucked, and then it was shit, cause they were virgins..dam it. I want that again..kisses like strawberries and biting and pawing and buildup...and then the animal ...

The truth is I have adapted some habits that are very hard to break right now...
like my routine. wake, java, healthy breakfast, work gym,,walk dog, sleep
its like I am fighting for my ultimate health, and putting on a skirt and makeup seems like a horrible tedious chore.then there is the time factor..what about my good book? my writing? networking..ugh.

Did I mention I had possibly the most humiliating experience of my life the other day? my boss saw my titty.
This is not just any boss, this is captain of the fire department, head of a community..omg I wanted to die.
So we are sitting side by side at our desks. He says "Did you take pictures of that last scene you did" "I can't find them" I said, "Oh yeah, sorry I forgot the camera they are on my phone"(that part was humiliating enough, that I forgot the professional camera) he said," that's OK, can I just plug it here and get them?", I said." yeah".

forgetting as a joke, I sent the titty shot to a friend, to cheer them up
My boss is flicking threw and then yells, :WOE TITTY, TITTY..
I whipped around so quick I still have whiplash, omg omg..I kept repeating, my boob..then he goes, OH that's yours!! HAHAH..I can never take it back and I can never fix it, and I kinda am blushing of humiliating now when I even talk about it. The worst part is knowing his beautiful wife probably knows my titty shot was on my cell. god dam I am a idiot. or human.

I will never forget training for Bio hazard, it was very hot every day, probably because we were in a room with the dam 2013 firefighters calender. All were very awesome men, most married-that was a total relief for day there were two in the elevator and me and my partner..its was so uncomfortable in there I could have died, the worst part is one actually flirted. I have never actually gone for overly hot men, must be my own personal insecurities..I always thought I was too much of a dirty hippy under neath to take it into real consideration.

There is one firefighter I have grown to really enjoy working with. The thing is when a firefighter comes to a scene, it doesn't really matter if they have never been trained in what you are doing, they are trained in general to handle any situation, therefore, when one comes on site-it is the ultimate respect. My dad would be proud.  This firefighter says commentary while working, it is very funny and positive. "I feel good about this kid"s, |rip the dam floor apart, see guys this is a very positive experience", as he curses "dam this is nasty", and spits in his, but he goes on and on, "see guys. progress I see high hopes in this environment", "make it work kids, come on haul ass, lets get er done", and then when finished he always says something sweet.
"Go take your suit off girl, don't want you to overheat",:can I get you a water? is there anything else I can do for you"

It is only recently I have moments of incredible "horny" ,has nothing to do with working with overly attractive men.  its like this wave of this normal? I mean really at my age is this common?Most women it takes petting and so forth to get to that, I am just wondering why I have this, and then other times, nothing. So watching the movie did not give me any rewards for that matter, just sadness that I will probably never have that virginal youthful experience again. shitty.

The only action I have received is via text. A super hot rock star that makes me weak at the knees, been friends with for over 10 years, and has a incredible women by his side who believes in open relationships, I don't, shitty. I received the best text today: Kiss Me, I do have amazing dreams about this rock star..he is quite unique looking..huge Buddha lips like they would swallow my face. His companion is absolutely gorgeous, blond, petite, personable and incredible unique. I don't really get it, I could never share..
yet he writes me every day to make sure I am okay and my day is swell.

A Man I dated a long time ago who is co living with someone who I have re connected with, he is great for self esteem, he saved my life once. Don't know what its all about yet.

A American, who might actually turn into something, scheduled for Florida, however we have not spoken, only via texts in last month. The talks we do have I feel incredibly connected.

Its all very lame and unproductive to any real progress in  my future.

So what is all this shit about? from the 2nd glass of wine I am drinking? or am I actually ready?
I have no idea..and the quote below is something I follow greatly..still you cant help but wonder why these people are in your life and what it is all about right?

I leave you with the quote
GVix Signing off

First become alone.
First start enjoying yourself.
First love yourself.
First become so authentically happy
that if nobody comes it doesn’t matter;
you are full, overflowing.
If nobody knocks at your door
it is perfectly okay —
YOU are not missing.
You are not waiting for somebody to come
and knock at the door.
You are at home.
If somebody comes, good, beautiful.
If nobody comes,
that too is beautiful and good.

THEN move into relationship.
Now you move like a master,
not like a beggar.
Now you move like an emperor,
not like a beggar.
And the person who has lived
in his aloneness
will always be attracted to another person
who is also living his aloneness beautifully,
because the same attracts the same.
When two masters meet —
masters of their being,
of their aloneness —
happiness is not just added,
it is multiplied.

It becomes a tremendous
Phenomenon of celebration.
And they don’t exploit,
they share.
They don’t use each other.
Rather, on the contrary,
they both become one and
enjoy the existence that
surrounds them.

Aug 14, 2013

Spring Clean Up

A great Monk once told me, when  a person can truly understand death, they will understand Life..they will die with no pain, no suffering. This apparently means bliss. Recently I have seen death, the actual procedures the body goes threw when the body shuts down, I am still understanding this.

Sunshine Cleaners-watch it

So I clean it. I take pride in the task, and  I have to admit today was a little shocking to view at first. It is always quite interesting when the person in charge says, "here is the key, and gives a description of the maze in the building that I am apparently supposed to find. Clean the mess and voila, nothing happened. But it did.

There is that awkward moment when a looker passes and sees you. In a suit, with a mask, possibly caution tape.What are you? Do we have bed bugs? Hey are you the cops?."Hi,  Spring Cleaning, nothing to see" I was stopped in 7/11 today by two guards, "Trauma? you?" "That is one tough gig" I felt very proud.

Then there is the actual loss of death, which I have felt twice in the last two years. I think this is much worse.
Because you knew the person and  it was real to you.
Id like to believe that the two people I loved that passed away had piece and bliss in their passing.

Today my dog growled at me. I called her and tried to get her to come to me and she stood her ground and growled. I said to her" Did I bring someone home with me? or do I stink?" She barked twice which means , yes and yes. I said loud;y in the shower just to be safe, "Look I cant fix your problems, I have my own, so get the fuck out"It's true, my dog sees dead people.

I called my dog when I got out and she was happy to see me. I texted my boss, who is the most amazing man I have ever met, and I said "I can't feel my legs"

He laughed.

I think I have had far too much happen in the last two years. Simply in terms, bullshit. I have learned that every day is what you make of it, and my boss has made it very clear that I can take this career where I want it to go, in a little or allot.

In my new career I am challenged beyond belief..its rewarding. Today I was at one place directing a crew, then went to a emergency call by a client who after our short consultation felt that I could give her a new start on life. The exciting part, was how they discussed sources of care with me afterward. This is  a project I am launching with Victim Services, which will teach an assortment of classes and services. I will be giving talks, doing media and learning along the way, exciting stuff!

After my 12 hr day
 I had a cry session.  Great things are happening in my life. It was one of those over exhausted uncontrollably cry. I am assuming its healthy.

I cannot fix the behavior of others in my life, I can only move forward and control my behavior on how I see things. I had a conversation with a fairly new friend, it brought up some un resolved issues.
Like my grandson, my I had been thinking about that. Missing my family and even with all the unresolved issues.

We discussed the  issue that in fact I need to move, the noise is overpowering. The stink and hoarding on the upper deck is infuriating..but where do I go? The.constant harassment by a company I work for..I resigned, yet I received a letter to recant my decision??Then my union called stating that resigning will not help my past arbitration dealings and I should go back to work and fight it. The truth is, I have never had grief from the five unions I had been casually employed by, I am sick of feeling sick and distressed because they cant handle me standing up for myself. Do I have the will power to fight after 10 years? I don't think so, I think it will bring new stress to my new life.

To fix it all seems impossible and overwhelming, its like a hoarder with shit that needs to be un loaded.
I am now working 12 hour days, and at the end, I fall asleep..the day goes by very fast and I feel rewarded.

We all have our baggage I suppose. I am learning to really enjoy little things. Tonight having wine, looking at the stars I see a little skunk go over to my neighbors car area. The neighbors came out to go to there vehicle, so I said, "there is a little skunk by your car" The daughter of the Asian family quickly tells her parents because she does have to put the baby in the car. The mother, comes out and says|Oh I talk to them, hello? hello" The daughter says, mother the skunk is not going to respond! " The elderly Asian women says, in our country all animals hear like we do"

I for some reason felt blessed to witness this event. I could not help but smile, The women said thank you.
and I said good night .

And this is me signing off