Jan 7, 2016

So This Is Christmas...


So this is Christmas and what have you done,
Another year over, a new one just begun.

And so this is Christmas, I hope you have fun, The near and the dear ones, the old and the young.
A very merry Christmas and a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one without any fears.
And so this is Christmas for weak and for strong,
The rich and the poor ones, the road is so long.
And so happy Christmas for black and for white
For the yellow and red ones let's stop all the fights.
A very merry Christmas and a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one without any fear.
War is over if you want it, war is over now.

Love John Lennon.  The war against Christmas in my mind is never really over every time this season comes around. The crunching of numbers to get gifts, having to haul out the deco's, having to have the house look just right for almost no guests, so you can bask in the light of the tree to feel the spirit of Christmas, its called faking it. This year, I decided not to break the bank, people would get gifts late- there would be no cards, I would not hustle around for someone else's purpose of Christmas. I also put a hold on my baking and crafting for the people less fortunate to just try to enjoy the days off work.
My Christmas started to become worse when my kids moved away, my dad died and my dog passed.
Over the years, I realized no one made a effort to really see me, and because this is a typical time when there's no work- I simply could not see distinct family either. This Christmas became more miserable every year. Who is in charge of our happiness? We are, so I tried to think about that just a little bit harder.

Id say its been about 5 years since I had a real Christmas with family and friends, nice gifts and great feasts. This year, I decided I would plan a massive family reunion of people in my life and people who always were there for me, and my bio-logical family and distance family- hoping that in two years, maybe over a week- we could all get to know each other again, Happy FestivaZ, mending of the grievances. Should be a shit show. Or not.
Lets see who shows face.

They say the way to freedom is to let go of the past and to forgive yourself before others. I hold a lot of shit. I have decided after  conversations with my two sons, that,  shit is going to stay in the pile of my past. I have forgiven a lot, I have taken the brunt of bullshit and blame and moved along proudly. I have settled for less most of my life and gave to others putting myself last. I have removed people from my life that have stowed the pain inside of me, hidden, to find I am still sad anyway. I have had many many angels to help me along in life.

I have given everything to my kids, my whole self- The reward I have is knowing there OK. This is hard, as we all want our kids to show us how much they love us and just be with us, sometimes we don't always get that. All I can hope for is that they want to see me more as they get older.  I have to let it go.  So this is it. I have been the best mom I knew how to be. Time for both of them to be men, and if they want me in their life I guess they can find me. I will just appear when the time arises and take what I get.

Sometimes you have no control over things, The only control I have is over my life and where I want to take it. I guess you see things when someone sees you for the first time-like really sees you. If someone cherishes everything about you, your dreams and hopes and even your downfalls- why would you not move in that direction?

Some of the great moments I can reflect on during Christmas, are coming home to my youngest son doing something crazy with the turkey, ( he's a chef) getting half corked and playing poker. Going over to my friends Bridges, for the second turkey dinner in all our one-see's, Heading out to amazing get together.s, like the Mexican and Indians house,  White trash party, Ugly sweater party and the James bond event. Seeing Bright Nights, going to the downtown of Vancouver to see the lights. Hitting Christmas Mass, a new church every year with my one of my favorite girls. Feeling fantastic delivering all the boxes of cookies to the group homes and stockings to east van homeless people. Lastly hiking up Cypress with my befriend on New Eve Day, and having coco and poutine. These memories I cherish.

I was given a few angels this year, to help me get threw it. Get threw the feeling of loss, because non of this happens anymore..and life changes.  Its very awesome I moved to a remote area in the lower mainland that gets SNOW, so I simply cant go deal with peoples own issues if the roads are bad. I live 5 blocks from my grandson which is awesome.

I think about what the next Christmas's will be like...Next year Ill be in Mexico, the year after that- I hope to have all the family in Mount Washington will join me, I will be 50. 50 is a big number, the last big party I had, I was 40.

The worst part of Christmas is setting resolutions-I don't do that horse crap any more, just sets a person up for failure. I do goal setting daily. Then I do a vision board. I have to say I have set myself up pretty great to reach some serious goals for 2016, because Ive worked on change all of 2015.

2015 was the time to face reality, and although it did not turn out the way I wanted it too, I had a pretty good year, I had some travel.  I met amazing people, I mean I meet amazing people all the time, but the new people in my life are of value, worth and mentors, leaders..

The best way to change coarse is to move in the direction of change makers. My best friend up North is a change maker, my teacher friends in Richmond, are change makers, my new friends in the states are change makers. These  people make you feel that it will all be OK.  This is similar how I feel when I am in Terrace, and now in Chilliwack, I feel the same way. A small community with tons of outreach and programs. You can knock on your neighbours door for help if need be. I never felt that in Vancouver.

I have decided that this year will be MY Amazing
GVix Signing out