Apr 4, 2013

Self Embarking Journey


Over the last two years my obsession with travel has now provided me with a wall of maps;  flyer's, travel books and learning new languages. I spend my time, creatively thinking of ways to save and ways to get there and why I want to go and what is my purpose and different reasons why I want to go.

The idea of teaching in China, was not really much supported, and now I see why. The plan was not really thought out, "do I want to teach in China?" After much research and looking into options, well sure on a short term contract. The idea was not really thought through, like many of my ideas. Fleeting ideas, "I'm going to be a Astronaut!" I am going to join the RCMP!

OK the wanting to be a Astronaut clearly was a ego booster for my self, that I can do anything, and really..lol I can!

The hard reality of wanting to be a Municipal Police Officer was the realization of:  "why should they pick me over all the athletic graduates entering for application, how many years would I actually be able to serve on the force."

The truth is if I really wanted it, I would have to put in a minimum of hours as a trafficking enforcer, then street beat cop..and pay my dues. Oh it was all so exhausting in the end. I don't think it would of brought me much joy, that was in 2008.

It was back to the drawing board on finding out what the heck I was meant to do with the travel piece.

My Uncle Randy was passing through town on route to South East Asia. Randy is a Geologist.
I received some Chapters gift cards and of coarse these were meant for travel educational books!

All books about women who went on quests, finding their purpose.

So how does one know they are ready for huge change? Maybe when you realize everything you own means nothing. Somehow I have downsized from a 6 bedroom house to a 800 square food space in the last 3 years. Maybe its when you start meeting people at random. ( Attraction) Or maybe its when you have made yourself disposable at employment. I do not mean disposable as in fired, I mean I have somehow managed to make myself a casual in my career. I do not have to ask the boss anymore, I make my own schedule. You don't work, you don't get paid. I have no benefits anymore, no pension plan, zero vacation plan, no sick pay.  A good retirement plan gives you 1000 dollars a month to live on, fun times! Not.

As we go along in life we pick up things and people have said, shared with you, like a financial seminar I went to a year ago, networking seminars to add to my database. I have a substantial amount of contacts and readers to fulfill my dream. The dream I did not know what was, until today.

The past two months I have done nothing but work and research ideas. I have thought about people who have passed through my life.

I put travel on hold because of many questions, what if my mother gets sick? I need 20K to see the world.
What will I do with my little dog? Will my kids be OK? What if I get sick?

The only person holding myself back is myself.

I am at work, enjoying another one of the great days! My teens I am with today are on work experience at Metro town Mall, and I get to spend the day reading up in Chapters. Day 2 is a day of Art, 4 art classes  from 8-3 where I assist the students. This career has changed my life. I truly look forward to work everyday. The school board is not enough to live on in Vancouver unfortunately. You want to do work you love right? The kind of work that does not feel like work, you want freedom. If only I could have this career and go home at the end of the day.

I am embarking on a 1-2 year challenge that will set my goals to a higher level. I am working toward self reliant businesses. I start training tomorrow for a whole new field of work, enriching work. The next is my own mobile business. It has taken me years to find out what type of business will give me residual income.

Residual income gives you freedom, it allows you to work at your own pace, and from anywhere. Have you ever heard of the suitcase entrepreneur? This women "Natalie" Is the tool to take you and your business around the world.
 http://suitcaseentrepreneur.com/entrepreneurs/creating-your-one-page-business-plan-and-path-to-profit/

There are so many direct marketing companies out there, you have to pick one that works for you, or create one of your own. I have to say I have tried many. Remember Amway? Sucker I was.
Tupperware, Avon, I cannot count how many I was involved in.

In today's world, you can find one that works for you and you'd be surprised how the teams help you stay focused and work on a solid home business. Its not a quick buck anymore. True direct sales take work and education. You defiantly want to pick one you believe in, not one that a persons sells you on.

I go to the travel section in Chapters and pick up this book called around the world, the first page changes my thoughts on travel immediately. apparently you can see the world on 5k-wow. here are some of the frequently asked questions below:


I wrote a email to a women who has always been on my shelf, as a tool, she has always given me strength, and I hope to have some more clarity on my path. Many people go through life never really thinking about travelling, this is fine for some. I know this is something I need to do. You know when your gut tells you you need to do something and things start falling into place, its very much like the secret.. We create doors that open. Recently a few doors have opened. These doors for me are like signs.

One example of this is I commented on a mans face book page.

https://www.facebook.com/breakthroughadventures/app_128953167177144

The page was cool, it was called "First Breath"
Lessons in Diving, but oh so not! I am into water sports but actually don't know how to swim, so I took a interest on the page at random. The page actually is about facing your fears, its about going to another level in life, it is so much more than just a diving lesson. I spoke to Jase Sugar, and he is a traveler taking his passion aboard and doing what he loves and giving people that second breath to see a different world.

For me to take the First Breath coarse would mean I would have to get over my fear of deep water, I would then see another world I have always wanted to see. Diving was my fathers passion.
The field of work I am embarking on this weekend, was my fathers sickness and aspiration at the same time.
It is hard to explain.

I recently ran into my friend Michael Averill singing at a small fundraiser. As he sang, I felt like he was singing into my soul. He smiled and was happy to see me. Michael is achieving his dreams traveling the world , finding his fathers lost songs from long ago, he is on a self seeking journey and releasing a album.

After the set, in his mere presence I started to tear up with joy to see him, and seeing him I just felt like I had failed myself in what I set out to do. The work stress, the finance..the continual crap that is bogging me down. His blue eyes asked questions over and over in a mere glace, "Laura what are you doing?"I could not say much. I scrambled in my wallet for my last 10 dollars for the week to purchase his new CD, which I listen to religiously in my car to calm myself. There is clarity in my poorness, each bill is becoming zero, but its a tight budget and I have been very strict.

When I look at Michael, the stuff in my life, that is in the, "meantime" ( refer to Iyanla Vanzant: In the Meantime)Is brought to the surface.

What does love look like? If you have never seen it, you probably don't know.
Were my parents loving and affectionate and show love on a regular basis? Was I surrounded by love of relatives, friends and family gathering together to support one another on a regular basis? Did I have friends in my lifeline that had real love relationships?
I had none of this, I was loved don't get me wrong, very much in fact.
There is no love interest with Michael, it goes beyond that. He is a man that resonates Love-It means, he loves himself to the core, his mind is in tune with his body-
There are maybe a handful of people who give me this vibe.
Last year it was Micheal, Tia, Erin and Solar- Its called working on your stuff, people, and I have been doing it for 6 months-
There is no relationship in your life that will work till this shit is done, there is no life path that will work till this is done.

So what next?

OK I now have 7 books on hold at Chapters and I am almost done my day with Vancouver school board.

I listened to Natalie's podcast: You will have to place it into your browser to hear it.

https://dl.dropbox.com/u/5596952/BYOB/FourKeysToRunYourBiz.mp3

I will attend a important meeting tonight which will solidify my future. The personal business I have chosen, which I am not going to share with the world until the business plan is done and the website is running.

I start training in a field that will skyrocket threw Vancouver I hope and give me leadership and education.
The training holds so in tune with my dad , he would be proud.
Travelling now, would serve no purpose.I have to deal with the crap, or it will come with me.

I am sick, I do not think I have ever been this toxic in my life and my change for the better I feel started today. I have had some tough hurtles this past month. Slight transitional depression in fact. I have some things to get in place. My mother needs to go to Nova Scotia. My mom reconnected with family after 35 years.
My grandmother I never met is 92 years of age. It is my goal to bring my mother back home after 35 years.
My relationship with my grandson has to be re established and strong. I faced my fears and we have a picnic date next week.

I am finding out I have cousins  a brother, uncles and all sorts of family I never met. I will meet some on May 25th of this year.

My sons are men now, and I need to know they are 100%..getting there. I need a family for my companions
This will take someone very special to care for my little pug and her boyfriend Martin, the Himalayan Seal Back cat. First Breath has to be done, the full coarse.

I look back at my original plan, which is a good thing to do with life change, and it wasn't a very good one.
I do not want to teach ESL in China, unless it is as a tour contract. I want a self seeking journey and to write about it. I've realized this finally, and I know one Italian friend who would be happy to hear I realized it.

So, I am not going anywhere. I have more work to do. I am on the 1st floor.
In "The Meantime" you are in a state of confusion, reluctance and paralysis. But also you are learning and moving forward. In the meantime, insults become rage, small arguments become feuds, pain becomes deeper wounds...you keep moving forward, but you keep hurting. This was last year.

Stay Tuned :)
GVixen

Mar 31, 2013

The Rules



In all my writings since 2007, there is no time like the better than to recap The Rules. Seeing as spring is near. Dating in Vancouver is about as grand as being lonely in Seattle. It's hard games out there.

I thought I would take the time to reflect some important rules when dating on the Internet and also getting out there in the jungle. Be forewarned, there is a new set of rules that have developed in Vancouver...
The book is coming: Its called The Man Rules

This will be a field study I have already been doing. I have a few males who have already stated their "Rules"
I'd like to share now, one profile I saw on POF who clearly has his own set of rules, It states he is not looking for a relationship, as he has one..and well here it is..lol

I am a working professional in an open, long-distance relationship and would love to meet new people to either paint the town red or stay indoors with a bottle of it.

Thus, the following applies to only those who are open to the Internet being a medium for meeting people - platonically. Just as some men might create a profile to find sexual spontaneity while maintaining intellectual/social distance, this is a profile for the exact opposite.

(Good) friends without benefits.

So, if you're looking for a partner-in-crime - where you play Bonnie, I play Clyde...

I'll have you know, I'm not like any guy you've met from the Internet before. How would I describe myself? Hmmm... there's two types of guys I could be...

====================

[An Ideal Guy Friend] - Real enough for many.

He's a skilled homemaker. You will not find a single whisker in the sink. He expects to have your meal ready for you and some "Whiskas" for your cat when you get home from work at five o'clock.

He loves to bake and will have pies and other warm goodies on the window sill whenever you get a craving.

He will rush to the grocery store to buy you "Always with Wings" and "Centrum® Ultra Women's" because you are crampy, bloated, and your cold keeps you at home.

He will continually stock your sock drawer with new pairs of nylons (he hates it when they get a run) to match whatever shoes you are going to wear. When you do not have a pair of shoes to match any particular pair of nylons, he will always agree with you that you do not have enough pairs of shoes. He will spray every pair of strappy heels (that you wear sans nylons) with "Febreze"; not because they smell but just to make them extra fresh.

His dexterous fingers and strong hands do amazing things. Every night he will paint your toenails and rub your feet because you feel as though they have walked a hundred miles; and he knows that tomorrow, they will walk a hundred more.

When you catch his at a traffic light, he will be singing along, word for word, to Vanessa Carlton's, "A Thousand Miles".

He is an excellent potter and loves nothing better than to dance; sober. At any moment, you and him could recreate scenes from "Ghost" or "Dirty Dancing".

He has excellent control of his body which he tries to keep up to snuff. If you ever want him to get oiled up and act like a tanned buff exotic dancer in the bedroom, well, he would be prepared; as long as he gets to snuggle afterward.

He is a lover who is really all about chick flicks and cuddling. When you get cold while you and him are watching his favorite movie, "Failure to Launch", he will get up to turn up the heat or put a log on the fire and brew up some peppermint or herbal tea.

If you ever need to talk he will be there for you.

He would just love talking to you in the mirror while he stands behind you brushing your hair. He would then put his hands on your shoulders and tell you "everything is going to be just fine, Dear". It will be just as cathartic as watching "Oprah".

He loves Oprah Winfrey. Hopefully you and him will have time to watch reruns of that and "Sex in the City" a lot.

He really likes gardening and will undoubtedly find the time to craft an amazing botanical jungle for you. It will probably extend from the villa's rear patio overlooking the ocean unless it blocks the view of the tree with the wild parrots.

If you do not like parrots, he is willing to learn falconry as you may feel a kinship to nature and think it best you and him hunt for our food.

====================

[A Real Guy Friend] - Ideal enough for a few.

I work in a profession that is not always "nine to five" so someone with a hairnet and a mole (that they have named "Whiskas" and has its own hairnet) often does my cooking for me. Although I am encouraged to be clean-shaven, I do look good with a five o'clock shadow.

When it does come to my kitchen, I wear an apron whenever cooking with liquids at the stove and I clean my ball-caps in the dishwasher.

At the grocery store in the fast check-out lane, I would be saying "Ooooooo !!!" out loud to myself when I see that "Extra Gum" has a brand new flavor. Subsequently, I would have to give you the gum because I forgot to get the "Always".

I match my socks to my pants rather than my shoes and would never wear them with sandals. My favourite things to put on are my "Onitsuka" sneakers, "Parasuco" jeans, and my "Super-Dry" t-shirt. I only own two of those wrinkled up dress shirts and am very careful how often I wear them out. Let it be known, I know the difference between a dress and a skirt.

My dexterous fingers have been learning to play the guitar for many years now. At home, I take off my socks in the house because I love the feeling of bare feet on hardwood. On the highway, I take off my shoes in the car.

When you catch me at a traffic light, I am making up the words (because I do not know them) to a song on the radio.

"Unchained Melody" and "The Time of My Life" are two of those songs.

I am very athletic however still to this day have never learned to skate backwards. I can eagerly laugh "at" myself (falling down carpeted stairs) and easily laugh "by" myself (watching "Planes, Trains, & Automobiles").

I appreciate the difference between a movie and a film. I turn on the subtitles even when watching either in English. If I am laying down on the couch underneath a blanket, I usually end up dozing off unless I have some caffeinated tea.

I will not talk to you ... during the trailers at the cinema. However, I quietly say "bless you" even if someone will never hear me.

I will buy five cent candies to cheer you up. I love cola bottles. I *heart* cinnamon gum but loathe cinnamon hearts. While eating those candies, I think reading a book of short stories together would be very cathartic. Although, alone I always read the last paragraph of a book first.

I want "Politically Incorrect" to be brought back to television. For the most part, I despise reality television except for the even playing field of "Blind Date". I do empathize with the tenacity of Wile E. Coyote.

I have never planted a garden but I do have a compost in my backyard as I believe recycling is not just for Europeans.

My favorite restaurants are those where I must point at the menu either because the staff can not speak English or I can not properly read aloud what I am ordering.

====================

Have an idea which one prefer? Good, that's what I thought you'd say.


I LOVED this profile, In the back of my mind I did think, "I call Bullshit" Good ploy..
I actually have had a few words back and forth with, Mr Right Doll...and I thus far was playing 100 questions. I will keep you posted, I am still looking for a "He Said, in my blog"

I have someone in mind, and well- it's not this guy.

I promise a, highly educated, can fix all my spelling errors and I rather like the idea of a man friend who clearly is willing to do all the things a boyfriend does not and most friends don't even do...you want to buy my tampons, sure- cook me food absolutely. I have grand number of male friends who clearly need to make up this check list pronto. I do have one friend who does fit the bill and is very funny.

Attractive in every way, and has had his fair share of game playing to know how to probably  write a self help book. Do you know who I am talking about? If you are smiling very large and have big blue eyes and dimples, then yes, I am thinking about you filling this task.


Basically the new race of males, the "Modern" set of single males here in Vancouver, believe that free loving is welcome, that open relationships are a must..blah blah blah..
Some men leave sex and love separate.
Then you have the female who is completely unaware , like deer in the headlights actually.
Or the female who is independent, self reliant, and is waking up at 50 alone.
With a few bright exceptions in my friend list.

BTW, I am 44, not 50 and when In am 50, I will be the new 40..Just putting it out there for  my sister who doesn't even know my age.

The new male is coy.."Did we ever discuss being exclusive?"
So ladies hold on to your seat belt, hopefully I can give you a few lessons.

Id also like to point out a few facts, that you may be delusional about.

I will start with a pof sample, the most common- he views you, you view him, he adds you as a favorite, you view him again. he messages something random. you message back, then you message for a few weeks, he asks if you want to hang out or grab a coffee sometime. Lame.

Simple as that.

Here's how my system works. he views me, I don't view him. he adds me as a favorite. I message stating so you have balls enough to add me as a favorite on a superficial level, but you don't have the balls to have a conversation? I delete the person. I will only add a person if I am busy and want to flag it as  a possible read over.

Here's another, I receive a message , that I like, I give my number, and tell them I will accept text only- no point in wasting time- lets see if they will actually put things into real time perspective. I should be texting for 1 day, a chat one day- a date request, the 3rd day. If they continue to ONLY text-BYE.. As our Mr Right said above"maintaining intellectual/social distance

This is not to hang out or go for coffee, this should be a real date with a time, a plan. You should have heard his voice, seen many pictures on your cell and know he is indeed real time.

Unless of coarse you are just wanting to be put in a friend zone like asap.

You text him, nothing..- As the post in pasts says " he was so excited he fainted" Tell yourself this and then move on.Don't kiss on the first date. Why? Because, it could be horrible. You just ate Indian, Monkey Ass breath..and it could also lead to the bedroom. If you do, kiss both cheeks.
Keep him wanting more, keep the respect level in check.

Do not kiss on the first date if you can help it, peck on the cheek and a warm hug. The reason is..you are there to meet and feel out the situation. If you've had several glasses of wine, possibly, you may kiss and it may be so awesome you may find yourself getting extremely aroused..then you are putting yourself in the danger zone- a one night stand, a friend with benefits, or a 2-3 month relationship that ends poorly.

Don't fuck for at least 10-20 dates, real dates, either planned by you or him.

Now this is real real hard and I can honestly said I have not done it. The last man was 3 dates and cloths were off. I am going to stick to my word..because, one I have respect for myself, two I want a real relationship-therefore I want to know more about a person than his last name.

I also want him to want me. " At 40, milking the cow, has already been done by my kids" and it wasn't even 2% at the time, therefore the milk is not free ever again.

On POF I don't fuck around with time consuming messages anymore. I have zero trust for any man who is on there. One man  I became friend's with told me he had meet someone- I was overjoyed actually, because  it was important in his life, this was one of those great catches..(or so I thought)  However he was still on POF. He said he admired her from afar and she finally asked him out.
So are you admiring her by being on a dating site?  have some class. Don't get me wrong, I really really liked this man, and all the rules he followed, email, text, talk, plan. So much in fact I knew his whole family in a day..He shared everything instantly. To much, I got wrapped up I guess and was going to book my flight. Then he suddenly met someone.

Another example you are talking to someone, a deep conversation, they abruptly say they are going to bed-and you see them live on POFwhat would you do?

You can take it as a grain of salt-after all you haven't met yet..
Or you can stand up for what you are feeling.

I have heard several of my friends have this experience-I just had it, so I told the guy.".wtf?
I was in conversation with and your LIVE on POF, dinners off."

I am not going to settle for less. In my situation the man gave a reasonable response then told me fine
lets call if off. I really did not want to cancel, but I wanted that male to know it pissed me off.

If I am going to give my time dating someone I am going to close my account. I expect the same.

The problem with the famous book called "The Rules" is they do not apply in Vancouver, and my set of rules are quite similar, however I can quite often find myself alone on a Friday night. So be it, I rather have a great time with my girlfriends, go home to a hot bath and get a good nights sleep.

Other girlfriends of mine, feel life is short, be free..and have affairs on a whim..its quite exciting to hear about them. I have also have fun times, but this wont land you the prince, if you think hes going to really put a effort in after a hot animistic one night stand..most likely not. Men want to 1) be the leader, 2) Have a challenge

You can still be a challenge and not play games. Games for a man are not fun and they will lose interest and move on. This is like teasing for a long time. Playing like your going to give up the goods but don't.

Being a challenge is being involved in your own life. Nothings changed, you still have work, girlfriends, events and wellness..the only difference is there is someone who could possibly be interested in you. So if you are out with a group of girls at tea, having a exciting conversation and he calls are you going to get up from the table, leave the conversation because he called? NO

Are you going to stop your life and wait till he calls? No, you are going to have a full life and continue onward. Like you always do, fit him in like you would a girlfriend. If my Girlfriends text or call at a time when I'm working- I quickly text-working later.

In all my years of talking to women, reading books and dating myself-these rules work.  A man wants someone who is sweet and very nice, but sexy. With a bit of mystery. He wants to know your interested.
But also if hes going to decide on the first date if hes going to see you again, he wants to see value and respect. He wants to know you are dependant on yourself first. He doesn't want to hear your issues, your upsets or troubles, X boyfriends..so forth.

If the man is very interested, he will want to take care of you in every aspect of your life. If he is interested, he will call you and do everything to make arrangements to spend time with you.

For me, currently I tend to sabotage..If you find you are doing this too, like talking about things like hes your friend..Its all a warning sign..it means you 1) are not ready, you need to work on you
2) you feel its a waste of time, but you put yourself in the friends zone because you want companionship

For myself- I have huge goals for myself, due to a few years of shit. I do want to find love, but I don't want to give up my goals at all. So I sort of kill it before its to late, and sometimes unknowingly.

I tell myself later, that a real man can be strong enough to tell me to shut my hole and smarten up..lol
One thing I never checked out was craigslist...OMG..I was told about the personals from a friend, umm..ROLF. I was shocked as hell.

I recently took my POF account down, I have had a very busy month and I found the site extremely overwhelming. I was received up to 100 messages a day, yes there were a 5 good ones a day.

The best dating site I know that works is the referral plan. Get out there with friends and find those referral's.
I am going to finish my field study all threw summer..stay tuned!

Signing off
GVixen

The Last:-)Speech

It's been a while, I have had a very busy last month, no shortage of stress I can tell you all that. I have been writing here and there.

This weekend was Easter, I sent the typical gifts to the kids, worked mostly, but did get away to see my family in Ferndale US.

This Easter has made me reflect on family quite a bit, so I am going to reflect on reasons why you should not wait to say I love you, should have that yearly reunion. This is the dawn of death, for the baby boomers and our youth this generation has taken a turn for the worst in many different scenarios. About 60 % of teens are dealing with stress that an adult in there mid 30's is dealing with.

You read about teen suicide in the media, sometimes you see it first hand in your career, sometime a friends child has a accident. When it is your own child, that as a illness, sickness...relapse. your world dies in that moment.

You want to say everything you can possibly say and hope that they see, sometimes they don't and sometimes they do. you can only have faith.
Learning to like yourself and be alone in today's world is a hard one. The truth is, we are never really alone.

Most people have tons on family who love them and friends who even thou are not present, would be, if you asked. Suicide is selfish really.

Teen suicide is a regular easy disposal system that youth has come to accept????
You call your kids and everything seems all right, in fact they seemed bothered by the fact you called

My kids both moved, for work elsewhere, and so I now have to physically get there to spend time with them...they are rushed and busy as youths, as I was at that age, thinking the dollar is god, and the only important thing in there world.

One of my sons had a recent wake up call, cause what happens if you lose your job, residence and all of a sudden have no money? This did not happen quite that way, but at least he knows, he has family that is there and there are choices.
Working for the man in today's world is stressful...Our youth needs to know, it is not the road to happiness.

What is important is health, love and family. You can work n work and work...but what will that give you in the end? Yes work will bring your home and your food..clothing...but what if the world ended today?
Would you be fit and healthy to trek where there is food? Would you know how to grow food, make a shelter and find your family or food to make a mini colony?

It sounds far fetched, but is it? Did you know you can live like a king in a third world country for 10 dollars a day?  or that the average person could be homeless if they don't receive their next paycheck?

It boils down to  values...Build foundation in relationships that give you options, teach yourself how to survive without money. In Europe when they take a break, they take a break..they don't rush to pay bills on there lunch hour.

Will your kids care for you when your old? This is a important question. I cannot care for my mother now..
Sometimes it feels like I can't care for myself.
Will my kids care for me? I think so. I think I raised them to be that way. My eldest son cared for his grandpa at 22. He knew, he knew he was moving in a fast paced city, and he could run in circles forever..
and at 22 he got a ulcer. So he left. Smart.

My young son, is a city boy and soon found out that his career choice in Vancouver made you easily disposable. He moved out at 20, originally for a girl, but also had the intent of Island life. Smart.
I don't think you should wait to get the time in, to say things you need to say, and I still think you should be bonding with your kids as adults and make yourself present in their life, show the fuck up and plant your ass on their doorstep or whatever you have to do.

I don't want to wait, you see you are supposed to out live your kids. Things happen all the time, a speeding car..accidents on the job.

so now that my kids are in their 20s, I don't think I should wait..to say all you need to say.

I think about when my dad died, and how he wanted to talk about his will, the November before
I said dad don't be silly, he was only in his late 50's
You think your parents will just be there forever..and you live your life and run in circles
and time goes by and sometimes you realize "did I spend enough time?"

I think over the years I have told my kids how much I love them, how I am sorry for some the survival techniques we had to go threw. I will repeat some now, as this is what I intended to write about.

If I had any regrets, my regrets would be this:

I am sorry at times I was depressed and angry- this has taught you , life is hard.

sometimes it was so hard to raise two kids on my own with work..I was not always the loving
mother I wish I could be. -This has taught you to be strong, and I always said I love you at bed.
I am sorry I did not own a home and we moved a many times, which did not give you a lifetime
foundation with friends that were more stable. This has taught you, home is everywhere-It is what you make it, all our homes, were beautiful.
I am sorry you saw me cry- This has taught you, its OK to cry as a adult.

I am sorry we had to do the food bank one year and rip off superstore-
Yes, we were starving...this has taught you, this is wrong and there are other ways to survive, and we did
That year, I was in a car accident, we were pretty near homeless, we had nothing.
After we ripped off a box of Kraft dinner or what ever the hell it was for dinner, from superstore, I told my kids they had, to go live with family.
My eldest was caught stealing all the time, and I yelled at him, "if you want to steal, go rip off some food"..

So he did, and then I hit my dark moment as a failing mother and called my dad and said, please take the boys for a year. I couldn't even wipe my own ass, everything was broken..from the car accident
I had to wait for ICBC to get the care aid and shit..so  I knew I had to make a choice.
The choice was, they needed some sort of care till I got my shit together.

I remember lying in bed broken and a care aid was coming over to get me into the shower and wash me, I was so humiliated, and she was pretty rough with my broken collarbone, ribs and arm, I started to freak out, my oldest son, told her to get the fuck out of his house,and came into the washroom and finished washing me telling me it would be OK, I think he was 12 yrs old.

I think this was the breaking point for me. I knew it was a matter of time and I would lose the house and everything in it.

I am sorry you were both a part of those dark times.

My dad was a bushman, and was over joyed to have two little guys come shoot guns, live in a mess and be wild with him-he was lonely. He did the best he could, boys came home a year later-
We started over.
This has taught them....You can always start over. The right way.

I did a Pantie chat advertisement in panties for some porn site for 10 dollars a hour, encouraging freaks to join the site, worked for World com telemarketing, and served tables part time. This was really all I could do due to rehabilitation.

It was only about 8 months till I was able to leave it all together, get a settlement and fly the boys home to a new house in Burnaby, a new school. My new career back into the makeup world, it all  kicked off and I was doing good for sometime. I am sure all the change was still stressful on the kids.

I am not ashamed of surviving.

I did the best I could and knew how, as a teen mom, and I know I was a good one.
I loved you both very much and I know I made many special times together and holidays
I know I gave you more than most.
but what was missing was sometimes, was me.

Today as I am older I realize I can't go back in time to have those special moments with you both. When you were young and innocent, joyful and fun..
I was working, and tired at the end of the day.
I know I was a good mom, because of who you are today.
I am sorry I worked so much and did not help you more in school
I am sorry I missed some school functions.

The only thing I can hope now is that when we do spend time, it's as grand as can be.
The last trip we had was at a bed and breakfast in Rupert, you were 3 and 5
It was just us and we spend a week crabbing and seeing Rupert.
We went on many camping trips..but it was not the same.

I think now about my own family and what a mess it is. It seems impossible  to get myself in a place where I can give more time these last few months.

I think about my mother and her aging and ..how so much has to happen, and not later-Now.
My mother was estranged from her family for about 30 years, and has reunited by phone with her lost family
and it is my hope to get her to Nova Scotia to meet them all again.

I think about my sisters and arguments and how there is a massive separation between all of us.
I think about my boys not spending time with there grandmother who shaped a large part of their life..
How do you fix these things?
Thanks Si for increasing my stats on my blog..enjoy.

Soon I will be visiting cousins and aunts, I never knew in May. It is one small step into the unknown for me.
It will be the first road trip I have taken with my mother, and I hope it wont be the last.

Everywhere around me friends are dealing with aging and ill parents..we are all entering the next faze.
I can honestly say at this age I never pictured my life to look like it is now. I would have seen the world already, I would have had a home that all family visits and stays. My back office life support line for family would be completely set up...it feels like I am starting over.

Family comes in many shapes and forms..I have a few families and I think I planned it this way, due to the dynamics of my life. I have family in Kamloops , I have family in Ferndale, and my best friend and her family in Terrace, I have a small group of friends here I can call my family -these are my life source.

If anything was ever too bad, I could just start over...These are not only my life long family friends, but people who have created a stable life to be able to bring the people they are closest to,  home.
And they do it, I see it all the time. So I have trust in these half a dozen people. I know that they know me inside and out.

Sometimes you have to create things that work. I have never had a stable enough family to say
"can I come stay" Can I just have a break. You never want to be a failure in life. In today's crazy world you need to at least know this is possible, or your world can crumble.

Without this you have nothing but yourself. Yesterday..It was myself, I did it..on my own. Today..
I don't want to think I am alone. Make sense? It is important in life to know that people , or family will say
"I am always here for you. "There was a point I said this to many, and could open my doors, I am happy to say I can open my doors still to my kids, if anything were to happen.

It's funny how you can look back and think about hardship. We are the ones that put ourselves there.
I know its hard to believe. It is true. There is a saying that you cannot control things in life. Maybe not as a personable child, but as a adult you can.
If you are made to feel insecure, and are brought up in a unstable atmosphere
You may grow up being insecure and worrying constantly. You have no "New Thought" Process.

You may grow up and be grand and financially secure, but a miserable person inside due to past anger and UN resolved issues, and so therefore, all your joy and wealth is not really giving you what you really need.

I sometimes think about some large events in my life and wonder where the fuck was my family at the time.
Oh right, It was my non biological families that were here with me. I did have allot of resentment. I realize resentment and blame are poisons to the soul. They are far more harmful to you than to anyone else. I never once said, Please come, Please help. "Was I supposed to?" This clearly is possibly a situation I created, based on the past with my family dynamic. no one asked for much..you were just supposed to "Carry On" Figure it out. I just pushed it aside and carried on, strong. Later in life after some therapy, I learned how to cope, carrying on is not always best either.

I look at the differences between my family and for example, and my non biological sisters. Recently, Like within a year, I had one sister say: " You need a year off, and I really think you should come and stay with family and get the finances in order and help out at the house, I really don't think it's something we need to discuss at this point"..Or the other, I think you need some rest, I am sure this has been very stress full, I will make up the guest room-Just sleep , you don't have to do anything, turn your phone off for Christs sake, I can pick you up in white rock at the boarder or you can drive. For the first time, except once at my sisters home in Winnipeg- I felt safe, looked after...and yes very well rested.

I never have family that asked me questions, I always have statements stated. Even about my own life..lol
Therefore, I don't answer many. I keep it light.

If you think about every obstacle you have had in your life, think back to why. Without blaming someone.
Situational disaster is different, like a car accident, or you get hit by lighting..Think about why.

If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."
- Eat, Pray, Love.