The Last:-)Speech

It's been a while, I have had a very busy last month, no shortage of stress I can tell you all that. I have been writing here and there.

This weekend was Easter, I sent the typical gifts to the kids, worked mostly, but did get away to see my family in Ferndale US.

This Easter has made me reflect on family quite a bit, so I am going to reflect on reasons why you should not wait to say I love you, should have that yearly reunion. This is the dawn of death, for the baby boomers and our youth this generation has taken a turn for the worst in many different scenarios. About 60 % of teens are dealing with stress that an adult in there mid 30's is dealing with.

You read about teen suicide in the media, sometimes you see it first hand in your career, sometime a friends child has a accident. When it is your own child, that as a illness, sickness...relapse. your world dies in that moment.

You want to say everything you can possibly say and hope that they see, sometimes they don't and sometimes they do. you can only have faith.
Learning to like yourself and be alone in today's world is a hard one. The truth is, we are never really alone.

Most people have tons on family who love them and friends who even thou are not present, would be, if you asked. Suicide is selfish really.

Teen suicide is a regular easy disposal system that youth has come to accept????
You call your kids and everything seems all right, in fact they seemed bothered by the fact you called

My kids both moved, for work elsewhere, and so I now have to physically get there to spend time with them...they are rushed and busy as youths, as I was at that age, thinking the dollar is god, and the only important thing in there world.

One of my sons had a recent wake up call, cause what happens if you lose your job, residence and all of a sudden have no money? This did not happen quite that way, but at least he knows, he has family that is there and there are choices.
Working for the man in today's world is stressful...Our youth needs to know, it is not the road to happiness.

What is important is health, love and family. You can work n work and work...but what will that give you in the end? Yes work will bring your home and your food..clothing...but what if the world ended today?
Would you be fit and healthy to trek where there is food? Would you know how to grow food, make a shelter and find your family or food to make a mini colony?

It sounds far fetched, but is it? Did you know you can live like a king in a third world country for 10 dollars a day?  or that the average person could be homeless if they don't receive their next paycheck?

It boils down to  values...Build foundation in relationships that give you options, teach yourself how to survive without money. In Europe when they take a break, they take a break..they don't rush to pay bills on there lunch hour.

Will your kids care for you when your old? This is a important question. I cannot care for my mother now..
Sometimes it feels like I can't care for myself.
Will my kids care for me? I think so. I think I raised them to be that way. My eldest son cared for his grandpa at 22. He knew, he knew he was moving in a fast paced city, and he could run in circles forever..
and at 22 he got a ulcer. So he left. Smart.

My young son, is a city boy and soon found out that his career choice in Vancouver made you easily disposable. He moved out at 20, originally for a girl, but also had the intent of Island life. Smart.
I don't think you should wait to get the time in, to say things you need to say, and I still think you should be bonding with your kids as adults and make yourself present in their life, show the fuck up and plant your ass on their doorstep or whatever you have to do.

I don't want to wait, you see you are supposed to out live your kids. Things happen all the time, a speeding car..accidents on the job.

so now that my kids are in their 20s, I don't think I should wait..to say all you need to say.

I think about when my dad died, and how he wanted to talk about his will, the November before
I said dad don't be silly, he was only in his late 50's
You think your parents will just be there forever..and you live your life and run in circles
and time goes by and sometimes you realize "did I spend enough time?"

I think over the years I have told my kids how much I love them, how I am sorry for some the survival techniques we had to go threw. I will repeat some now, as this is what I intended to write about.

If I had any regrets, my regrets would be this:

I am sorry at times I was depressed and angry- this has taught you , life is hard.

sometimes it was so hard to raise two kids on my own with work..I was not always the loving
mother I wish I could be. -This has taught you to be strong, and I always said I love you at bed.
I am sorry I did not own a home and we moved a many times, which did not give you a lifetime
foundation with friends that were more stable. This has taught you, home is everywhere-It is what you make it, all our homes, were beautiful.
I am sorry you saw me cry- This has taught you, its OK to cry as a adult.

I am sorry we had to do the food bank one year and rip off superstore-
Yes, we were starving...this has taught you, this is wrong and there are other ways to survive, and we did
That year, I was in a car accident, we were pretty near homeless, we had nothing.
After we ripped off a box of Kraft dinner or what ever the hell it was for dinner, from superstore, I told my kids they had, to go live with family.
My eldest was caught stealing all the time, and I yelled at him, "if you want to steal, go rip off some food"..

So he did, and then I hit my dark moment as a failing mother and called my dad and said, please take the boys for a year. I couldn't even wipe my own ass, everything was broken..from the car accident
I had to wait for ICBC to get the care aid and shit..so  I knew I had to make a choice.
The choice was, they needed some sort of care till I got my shit together.

I remember lying in bed broken and a care aid was coming over to get me into the shower and wash me, I was so humiliated, and she was pretty rough with my broken collarbone, ribs and arm, I started to freak out, my oldest son, told her to get the fuck out of his house,and came into the washroom and finished washing me telling me it would be OK, I think he was 12 yrs old.

I think this was the breaking point for me. I knew it was a matter of time and I would lose the house and everything in it.

I am sorry you were both a part of those dark times.

My dad was a bushman, and was over joyed to have two little guys come shoot guns, live in a mess and be wild with him-he was lonely. He did the best he could, boys came home a year later-
We started over.
This has taught them....You can always start over. The right way.

I did a Pantie chat advertisement in panties for some porn site for 10 dollars a hour, encouraging freaks to join the site, worked for World com telemarketing, and served tables part time. This was really all I could do due to rehabilitation.

It was only about 8 months till I was able to leave it all together, get a settlement and fly the boys home to a new house in Burnaby, a new school. My new career back into the makeup world, it all  kicked off and I was doing good for sometime. I am sure all the change was still stressful on the kids.

I am not ashamed of surviving.

I did the best I could and knew how, as a teen mom, and I know I was a good one.
I loved you both very much and I know I made many special times together and holidays
I know I gave you more than most.
but what was missing was sometimes, was me.

Today as I am older I realize I can't go back in time to have those special moments with you both. When you were young and innocent, joyful and fun..
I was working, and tired at the end of the day.
I know I was a good mom, because of who you are today.
I am sorry I worked so much and did not help you more in school
I am sorry I missed some school functions.

The only thing I can hope now is that when we do spend time, it's as grand as can be.
The last trip we had was at a bed and breakfast in Rupert, you were 3 and 5
It was just us and we spend a week crabbing and seeing Rupert.
We went on many camping trips..but it was not the same.

I think now about my own family and what a mess it is. It seems impossible  to get myself in a place where I can give more time these last few months.

I think about my mother and her aging and ..how so much has to happen, and not later-Now.
My mother was estranged from her family for about 30 years, and has reunited by phone with her lost family
and it is my hope to get her to Nova Scotia to meet them all again.

I think about my sisters and arguments and how there is a massive separation between all of us.
I think about my boys not spending time with there grandmother who shaped a large part of their life..
How do you fix these things?
Thanks Si for increasing my stats on my blog..enjoy.

Soon I will be visiting cousins and aunts, I never knew in May. It is one small step into the unknown for me.
It will be the first road trip I have taken with my mother, and I hope it wont be the last.

Everywhere around me friends are dealing with aging and ill parents..we are all entering the next faze.
I can honestly say at this age I never pictured my life to look like it is now. I would have seen the world already, I would have had a home that all family visits and stays. My back office life support line for family would be completely set up...it feels like I am starting over.

Family comes in many shapes and forms..I have a few families and I think I planned it this way, due to the dynamics of my life. I have family in Kamloops , I have family in Ferndale, and my best friend and her family in Terrace, I have a small group of friends here I can call my family -these are my life source.

If anything was ever too bad, I could just start over...These are not only my life long family friends, but people who have created a stable life to be able to bring the people they are closest to,  home.
And they do it, I see it all the time. So I have trust in these half a dozen people. I know that they know me inside and out.

Sometimes you have to create things that work. I have never had a stable enough family to say
"can I come stay" Can I just have a break. You never want to be a failure in life. In today's crazy world you need to at least know this is possible, or your world can crumble.

Without this you have nothing but yourself. Yesterday..It was myself, I did it..on my own. Today..
I don't want to think I am alone. Make sense? It is important in life to know that people , or family will say
"I am always here for you. "There was a point I said this to many, and could open my doors, I am happy to say I can open my doors still to my kids, if anything were to happen.

It's funny how you can look back and think about hardship. We are the ones that put ourselves there.
I know its hard to believe. It is true. There is a saying that you cannot control things in life. Maybe not as a personable child, but as a adult you can.
If you are made to feel insecure, and are brought up in a unstable atmosphere
You may grow up being insecure and worrying constantly. You have no "New Thought" Process.

You may grow up and be grand and financially secure, but a miserable person inside due to past anger and UN resolved issues, and so therefore, all your joy and wealth is not really giving you what you really need.

I sometimes think about some large events in my life and wonder where the fuck was my family at the time.
Oh right, It was my non biological families that were here with me. I did have allot of resentment. I realize resentment and blame are poisons to the soul. They are far more harmful to you than to anyone else. I never once said, Please come, Please help. "Was I supposed to?" This clearly is possibly a situation I created, based on the past with my family dynamic. no one asked for much..you were just supposed to "Carry On" Figure it out. I just pushed it aside and carried on, strong. Later in life after some therapy, I learned how to cope, carrying on is not always best either.

I look at the differences between my family and for example, and my non biological sisters. Recently, Like within a year, I had one sister say: " You need a year off, and I really think you should come and stay with family and get the finances in order and help out at the house, I really don't think it's something we need to discuss at this point"..Or the other, I think you need some rest, I am sure this has been very stress full, I will make up the guest room-Just sleep , you don't have to do anything, turn your phone off for Christs sake, I can pick you up in white rock at the boarder or you can drive. For the first time, except once at my sisters home in Winnipeg- I felt safe, looked after...and yes very well rested.

I never have family that asked me questions, I always have statements stated. Even about my own life..lol
Therefore, I don't answer many. I keep it light.

If you think about every obstacle you have had in your life, think back to why. Without blaming someone.
Situational disaster is different, like a car accident, or you get hit by lighting..Think about why.

If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."
- Eat, Pray, Love.