Dec 22, 2012

Dysfuntional Journal....Bah Hum Bug & Innocent Are We

I told a worker today a breathful of stuff, mostly situations that occurred when I was  a single parent, because the topic arose.  The women, gagged at one point, and went to the kitchen, then said "how did you keep working" I simply said, " I had too'. I explained that I do have immense moments of sadness. I seem to attract sadness and sorrow in my life for many years-but I keep functioning and moving forward- this year has been the hardest year of my life and I am thankful that it is almost over and I have a new handful of friends to carry into the new year that are positive seekers and very strong characters.

In the movie "Love Eat Pray" Julia Roberts is told for once just to clear her mind and forgive herself. In the movie I feel she has nothing to forgive herself for.
This is the eternal grief a person carries, when they have situations in their life they have no control over.

In the Philippines, a child tormented by a demon can mean as simple as a child that is teething. Something so simple is treated the same way as a serious curse.. To learn the techniques of clearing the clutter takes allot of dedication. I will start in my life here in Vancouver- However to go to a place where things are simple- not much communication and just learning the cultures is really  where I want to be.

My immense sorrow has hermitized me this Christmas unfortunately, I feel completely disconnected from my family. I feel that if something happened to me, Id have no one to help me. My sons are parting with friends, girlfriends and doing their own thing.  My sisters are celebrating a wedding and family time without me. My distant relatives are on vacation is either tropical or other areas of North America. I don not feel like being social or seeing the close friends I do have. I have no time to wallow in my sadness, as I am baking for group homes, friends and family and sewing of coarse. If I stop for a minute to think about all the hurt in my heart I think I would fall into a huge depression and not be able to get out of bed for a week.

A new friend of mine, displays quotes on face book all the time, and encourages me to stop thinking and  think of where I need to be. I will do this after the holidays. I have a new schedule for myself that starts on Dec 27th. I am quite excited about it and hope that I can stick to the plan. My first destination is India, I plan to leave for two weeks in March. I will do three months in China, this will be a 3-6month work contract. I have shortened this experience due to my companion, Sushi my little pug.
I will return to Canada for a year and then make my way on the 15 month trek, hopefully around most of the world.

We will be having a pre-Indian party at my friends , shortly after Christmas, the theme is Bollywood.  I am very excited to start in the new year we will be in Indian attire, Sari's. My friend however says he will get me a discounted pant suit on boxing day because the Sari's are difficult to put on. I know this because when I managed a fabric land in Surrey, with all Indian women-on Christmas one year I was given a traditional Sari, It was tradition that a group of kin women, dress the women. They start with washing the feet- It is quite a process and I was very honoured that these three ladies decided to dress me that year. One brushed my hair, another washed my feet and another did my nails and then they wrapped me first spraying me with sandalwood. The eldest said this is how we bond as women in our culture, It is a feeling of kindred spirit. This should be a part of the Canadian families and than maybe value of family would be looked at more closely.

The physics of the quest, the force of laws governed by the laws of gravity. The rule of the quest of physics goes something like this:

If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting whether this is your family or your home, to bitter old resentments. You plan to set out on a truth seeking journey either externally or internally or both.

If you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and accept everyone along the way as a teacher, If you are prepared to face some very difficult realities about yourself
then the truth will not be withheld  from you..

This is my journey about to begin.

It was a very hard day for me last one point I utterly could not breath..
I was thinking of my own issues, dwelling on the thoughts of a massive bill I was received with-8K to be exact. I am not going to go into the issue of bankruptcy at this time, because after the half of bottle of wine..
I woke up. It was back to work.

As the world was talking about a issue in the states that I had no clue about, I was for the first time faced with a thing that happens in my career.I do work with adults with disabilities, and I work with children as well all over the lower mainland, sometimes 5 schools a week.

"I remember a caseworker strolling by that morning and he yelled, to me in passing:

"I see you have one of the sweetest ones" I was chasing, another, yet of many persons I serve.
This one was 5 years old, snot running down their face, huge smile and laughing so hard they almost tripped.
So much fun.

Little did I know a few hours later I would be faced with the most serious of issues. I really don't know how I got threw the day. In that hour, my life did not matter. Nothing in my life mattered...
The bills, the loneliness...time stopped in my life.

I remember a time, in a class long ago..I was studying the mind works of Ted Bundy, and many other psychopaths. I was studying on how the brain works. Later in training I was studying missing chromezones and what happens, hereditary disabilities and missing links-I was fascinated.

I wanted to find ways to create a simple, yet full  life for these people I serve. I was excited because I really made a difference. In the case of children. It is a completely different ball game.
You are one of many that come threw that door.

You must protect the innocent. When I started working with children, and a child with a disability was acting out- at first it was much easier, for me because I already knew the out come in adults- the steps to helping children with disabilities seemed so simple, and I am, a expect- I have to say.

I give credit to my years of hard work and I am clearly the specialist who walks into a school and takes on
the behaviors or developmental delay issues ..and I make results.

However when you are witness to abuse. This is a area I now know I am not equipped for. I have seen much abuse in adults, but so many people have paved the way by the time you get to the adult..teens to grow and learn ..
I guess, it starts with the first witness and the report...but trust me all you want to do is save.

I took it into my gut and took it home that night. I have seen a female, abused as a teen, turn to drugs then kill herself in a room. But when you have a child that does not understand, and is still learning..this people is horrible.

Poverty is horrible...starvation is horrible..abuse is horrible. As I work with children I reflex on how I was as a teen mother.I remember one specific time calling my parents and screaming I cant take it anymore come get him. They did, it was my eldest son with ADHD, and he would in my eyes destroyed everything.

Now as a trained person in disabilities I remember...He was taking apart items and putting them back together to see how they worked. He was asking many questions..I found this incredible annoying as a teen mother. Was I a bad parent? I remember food banks and starving and freaking out what I was going to do, and it was horrible. Was I a bad parent? or just UN educated?

All I see,  a 30 pound under weight child of 5 and a goose egg at the temple. Then a hour later jumping counting stairs laughing into my arms.
A child who has a breakdown when they go to the washroom. 

We must protect our children.

I realize, I cant save them...I can only make a call.

I think about the families at Christmas in the US who have lost, I think to myself..
It is us who needs to make a difference and start bring love into this world, to the stranger in the basic human nature. The world should be a family- a foolish thought I realize...but I will try to treat every human being I meet as one.

"Little Angels"

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above
We mortals sometime question the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with, the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world, seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to his fold.
So He picks a rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them, and so He takes but few
To make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult, still somehow we must try.
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "Goodbye"
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind,
Must realize God loves children
"Angels are hard to find".
written by a friend on FB

I am done with sorrow, this  can be in the form of the media or my own sorrow. Sometimes for me this means cutting myself off from the world, I have done this in small forms-like cut my cable for the summer, close facebook..

I felt more alone than ever. If you tell people you are taking time for yourself then they distant themselves as well, when really I want people close to me. My new schedule will bring this into a different light.
The presence will be in different form.

I think about these things when small crap enters my life.  I lost a friend last week, over adding a person on FB, seriously??fought with a family member this week, over nothing, was ready to walk out of one of the companies I work for yesterday, was angry driving in the weather...It is all such stupid things to be upset about, and yet at the time-I cred I was so stressed. I will not shed another tear on fucked up crap.

As I watch Love Eat Pray and see Kutut, a toothless man, under weight, probably had demons all his life due to his teeth, is smiling and happy and tells Julia- You will lose all your money.
If you lost all your money, what would you do? If your home was crumbled, what would you do?

I just was baking and reflection on so many upheavals this week, and also more importantly how I am thankful I slept 15 hrs last night and today.

Signing off

"Just sit in the dam garden and still your mind and let it be and see what the hell happens-open your heart and send me a goddamn sign sign."" Groceries, if you just clear your mind with that clutter, and crap, you'd have a huge hole for love to come in and the universe will be like a vacuum!" "but I miss him"
"So you miss him, who cares- you fell in love, send him love and light and close it" Be done with it, open your heart for someone who comes at you like a storm" thrives your mind and values your sight.
Quotes from the move...Eat Pray Love

I have come to realize after living in the Indian sector of Vancouver that this community does get up at 4am- after complaining several times I finally just asked. This is the time for prayer and meditation and we cook also, I was told this is Indian time- Meditation? they don't have to worry about clearing the clutter at this time because who the fuck can think of any thought at 4am, other than get me the fuck back in bed.

Dec 12, 2012

World Orphans

Project China has found a organization to work with for my fundraising project!!
Check out the link! and support today!
World Orphans

Dec 9, 2012

So This Is Christmas...

And what have I done?

The last 10 years I have hated Christmas. My kids were grown, always poor..I also typically work the season in group homes, sew and bake for all the people I care for.

My boys just really lost interest in Christmas and never made it much special for me. The last two years my young son would cook a huge feast, then the evening would be drinking and poker, and we would open our pathetic gifts in the morning. It has just been the shits really.

This year I have a list. The list will have all the things I missed over Christmas for some time. I did most of my shopping in early November so I would not find myself short over the holidays.

Many events over Christmas are religious.  I have never belonged to a church over the last 10 years because one, they make me cry when I go in them and two, I love an assortment of religions.

I follow the ways of Buddha mostly, "We create our own paths in life"  I love all sorts of community. This week I went back to my favorite store Mother India. I will be traveling to India very soon. Whenever I go into this store I plan ahead because the man that owns the store gives me a lesson each time. So this week, I learned this little story and I love it!

I was buying bangles made of pure cooper-as I heard somewhere they give clarity to be grounded, and I was buying prayer beads, 108 beads of gratitude.

The story:

In the Hindu religion;  "We do not go to peoples doors and harass people, we do not pay to a church." said the man.
( this is the Krishna religion)
There are 5 gods:
Your Mother
Your Father
Your Teacher-Guru
The guest who comes to you and asks for help
The last is the person you choose to worship
Kristna oversees all gods to give meaning to your life.

The 108 beads, started with the god Kari wearing 8 heads around his neck, and his wife was disgusted and said, "stop wearing the heads!" Kari said, "All  this is you-the demons who have touched you and you have been seduced into other lands and materialistic ways, If I stop wearing the heads than you can never leave to another land, you can never change.  You must stay here and be pure and present, dedicate to here and now. "

The heads were all her "heads of change", by demons. The bangles were gifts to keep her balanced and grounded in the present. On the net, there are many different story's  I forgot to ask why one god is in the form of human and elephant. This will be my next lesson. Regardless of the ludicrousness of it all, the lesson is still very wise  So for a few people I bought Bangles. I also love Christianity  Gospel and other sorts of religion and have no issues joining in to all, to me its a history lesson and also makes me sad for missing the support system I felt I needed many times

When I was a child my mother studied Bahai Faith, I remember large dinners at peoples homes that rotated once a week and the studies we would sit in circles.

The Bahá'í Faith, religious history is seen to have unfolded through a series of divine messengers, each of whom established a religion that was suited to the needs of the time and the capacity of the people. These messengers have included Moses, Buddha, Jesus, Muhammad, and others. For Baha'is, the most recent messengers are the Báb and Bahá'u'lláh. In Bahá'í belief, each consecutive messenger prophesied of messengers to follow, and Bahá'u'lláh's life and teachings fulfilled the end-time promises of previous scriptures. Humanity is understood to be in a process of collective evolution, and the need of the present time is for the gradual establishment of peace, justice and unity on a global scale.
I remember loving the story's and food and incredible story's from the elders.

As a young teen my mom got me enrolled in christian summer-camps put  through the Pentecostal Church in Terrace BC,  once I heard them talking in tongues I was horrified, I really thought that the whole church had devils in it.

However I did love the summer camps and later in my adult life very much supported the missionaries for teen girls that are abused abroad, this was a charity group that helped young girls at risk.   I went to my last camp at 15, and gave Wes Walt a blow job, I didn't even know what it was, I was completely grossed out and gagged a few times. WW said it was not like sex before marriage and if I really loved him....blah, blah blah...I thought he was my boyfriend and as soon as I returned home he then told me I was a sinner- I was done with the Pentecostal Church. For a short time, I decided voodoo was a much better choice and Wicken- Fuck that bastard, I'd curse him forever!! Wicken is actually a white Witch.

It was in my late 30's I started to visit the Catholic Church knowing this was way back in my roots-Irish Roots.  I loved the ambiance, especially in the university of Notradame in Boston. I had already started to collect the Rosary's  which are almost the same method as the 108 beads of gratitude,  however 108 beads of prayer.

In my 20s I married a man who was raised Jehovah.  My mother said she would dis own me from the family. I did study and became a devoted wife, however I could not get over the idea of no Christmas for my kids.

 We tried it one year and I was miserable  the boys were young and it was not my family custom. After I divorced, the old saying was true as a bell, I was pretty much a outcast. I never received phone calls, invites or letters from my X husbands parents- to me this was complete injustice to my kids. I clearly forgave and move on and my boys spend time with there grand parents in there late teen years. There is allot of hate talk over this religion  however when in it, the support group is very much the same.

The belief system I do not believe in- chosen people will go to heaven, with a number in fact.

Mormon- probably the best life skills for a young couple getting married, with the best lessons- but whacked as far as I am concerned with incest and corruption- however all the religions have some sort of corruption  its like any crowd of people, one nut in the house blows the whole

For the past year I have been studying Nithyanada, who is a Guru from India turned Monk. Nithyanada believes that every past thought is a thought we have already had, and if you are not leading the life of Bliss, than those thoughts clearly are not working. You must train your brain to think in new thoughts.

At Christmas, everyone needs a little religion.

The reason I say this is, in churches and communities, its old roots. You have the women who bake , make crafts..there are choirs and singing, dinners and gatherings..this truly is what Christmas is about-not what you get or receive.

I love giving gifts that is my favorite part!However I have grown tired of the malls the traffic the polluted
thoughts of materialism.

This Christmas, I will see the dam singing tree on Broadway street, I will have the sleigh ride, ice skate-
I will go to midnight mass, I will see the symphony and hopefully the nutcracker; I will do a day in the soup kitchen; I will donate to people less fortunate, and make crafty things and bake, I will have 3 of my best girls in Onesys PJ's watching Christmas movies and getting drunk, I will have a beautiful dinner at my mothers home, I will have a open house on Christmas day- why?

Because I fucking hate Christmas, and it is time I didn't.   I have a girl who will be staying with me who needs love and Christmas- So I am dam well gonna do it with glory. I sent over a 100 cards, I always forget.
I limited a small budget on the sisters, kids and mom-and its done dammit.

So this is Christmas...What have you done?

That's my Tale N I'm sticking to it
Signing off

Nov 23, 2012


Back Fucking Office...

A young wise man said to me, "Work with what you have, then exceed the bar"
A person may say, you should do the necessity tasks in preparation of a large trip that is planned, however quite frankly, I think one should do what I am doing on a monthly basis , then they would never have to deal with the back fucking office.

I was up till 3am last night. I filled bankruptcy in 2011, and every month you have to keep every receipt, log them into a ledger in date order- take them out of order and put them in categories; grocery, gas...crap pile...then you enter the groups onto the budget sheet. The trustee takes off your expenses, takes the left over income, which is called residue income, splits it in two. The trustee then takes half to pay all the debt and you get to keep half. You do not get to decide what your expense's are. If you need 7 new pairs of ginch, you are shit out of luck. The more money I make, the more they take.

I remember happily thinking about how I could start fresh after filing bankruptcy! I went into the trustees office, saying I am sure I am 26000 in debt, please whip it clean!

Well, my dream of clearing my financial baggage was doomed in about 10 mins as he sat down with me and gave me the real picture. I felt like I was being prosecuted, it went something like this:

"Are you telling me you never at one point, did you not see the box to check off extra tax on your income tax forms, when you work for 4 unions? You have Federal debt of about 10,000 and we are only offering to cover 5000, most of these are penalties, however now its too late and you will have to pay 10,000 on your own after the bankruptcy." "you have 21 months to save up for your Federal penlity debt"

"you are 40,000 in debt and you make 65K a year" "however, I see you have changed careers, and this may bring down your yearly income". "Do you recall signing co-sign forms for a truck?" I said, no sir.
"You owe 8,000 on what looks like a work truck and also some money on furniture, are you able to reach the other person on this debt?""you co-signed for this person" I said, "no Sir, he left me a post it note and moved to Texas, the furnature was returned"

"Ok miss, whatever your situation you are responsible for this entire debt as well"

I sat there like I did not beleieve him, I was shocked.
I felt sick. Really sick. I said well I can only afford about 200 a month towards my bankruptcy.
The first payment was over 500 dollars. I was however relieved that the harrassment from creditor whould stop.

I spoke with a financial broker today, 40K is apparently peanuts and I fucked up. The truth is I barely paid the bankruptcy because shit just kept coming up, for example: When working for a union, and the union decides that yearly insurance is a necessary purchase, rather than auto plan. In order to keep driving clients for work, I had to pay 1400 in one shot. According to my trustee that is not a expense.

The only expense allowed is food, shelter, the car payment to work and basic utilities, like a phone.
It looms over my head like a fat zit waiting to pop, there is hope...its almost over now.

After you file the bankruptcy your file generously stays at a R9 for 7 years. The term R9 stands for 9xRotten credit. In financial terminology R9 is:

"R9" means that particular account has passed 120 days late, is very delinquent, and has been written off as a bad debt by that company. The bad debt is either charged off or sent on to collections. This does not mean, however, that you do not have to pay this account, or that the company cannot continue to try to collect the balance due.
R9 credit rating remains on your credit report until it drops off after seven years. Until that happens, you will be unlikely to qualify for any new loans or credit accounts. The "R" scale is progressive, from R0 for new accounts, and R1 for current accounts, and up for each period of lateness, or an R7 payment plan, R8 repossession, or R9 charge off/collection. Where you want to be on every account is in the R1 category.
By showing the "R" scale, potential lenders communicate to each other valuable information about your payment history activity, from which they can determine credit worthiness and risk in repayment of any new loan or credit account. You can pay off an R9 account, and request in writing via certified letter to have the company or collection agency notify your credit reporting agency (one of the "big 3" agencies (Experian, Equifax, Trans Union) to remove the R9 rating.
Giving you an R9 credit rating is mean, but it is required of credit card lenders by federal law to avoid inflating company future earnings projections. You earned it by being a poor credit risk and not paying your balance due. It is unlikely that you can get the R9 removed from your account, even after paying off the balance due. Your report may show “account paid” or a zero balance due, but the R9 classification will remain. Therefore it is in your interest to be informed about the “R” system, and avoid being so late that you are marked with an irretrievable R9.

After staying up till 3am entering those stupid receipts, some only a dollar value, the shock value came and I realized some expenditures we take for granted, are defiantly a piss off, for example: 100 dollars a month on coffee, my food bill was crazy high, like 500 a month from August to October.
for one person? I don't fashion shop anymore, however I did see sequence's that still show signs of a shopaholic. for example, there were like 4 tubes of hand creams in assorted scents, a tube of hand cream takes about two months to use up- so why did I buy 4 and not 1? Toilet paper, 30 rolls- this I remember clearly, I don't even have storage for 30 rolls- however I remember my kids using a whole roll of toilet paper for one sitting- I live alone now, guess I forgot.

I was instantly depressed, I also noticed I cleared about 5K a month for the months of August and September, was looking at what the hell I spend it on and basically a small vacation and my birthday.

After I started the process I could not stop and started to go through massive paperwork I had not completed. I started talking to my self, recipts everywhere. The fat PUG "Sushi", noticed the more I did , the more stressed I got, and laid her fat ass on the whole pile causeing me to get mad at her, and then I was feeling incredibly horrible because she only cares.

I have a massive task list now and I will soon organizing a proficiently working, Fucking Back Office that is simple and effectively- believe it or not I am going to re-write and re- calculate the entire months of the fucking bankruptcy so it is a dam eyesore.

So my dear friend said some very valuable things as he reefed through the massive receipts and said, who the fuck does this and why. I quickly paraphrased his monthly income, his expenses and then I said with venom, "how much should, you have saved?" The truth is , my friend should be a very rich man in his early age.

Vancouver is expensive and easily a trap to spend on food, quick coffees, lattes..eccentric things .. the back office drawer was full of shit, that I had planned on started and never quite did. The next folder sitting as a eyesore was the home inventory and insurance of content items that were never completed.

Every nook n cranny has to have some sort of organization, reason and rhyme- my life will be of a container-without any exceptions. At the same time, I must create-"Work with what you have"
This statement has come up before in horoscopes and readings for fun. I am creative and have a abundance of supplies- so in order to get rid of it all I will need to create it and sell it. Time? I have no idea.

I do know that once the items are all sorted, I will not feel so scattered! So before you decide to file bankruptcy, try to look at what you spend and sort with what you have. Bankruptcy is good for some, and you can rebuild your credit in one year. However I do not think it was the best choice for me. I honestly think I could of paid the 40K off on my own had I looked into myself and really analysed my income, spending and simple budgetting. I have come a long way from 2006/07. Those days were dark. I see the light coming closer at the end of the tunnel!

GVix Signing herself to the box

Nov 14, 2012

Project China

 I mentioned yesterday it has been my intend for a long time to work aboard.  Many of my friends and family are asking why, some are very supportive and some not.

I will start the program to teach English in January. I hope to spend summer visiting all my relatives and then finally rapping up my place here to leave for China in August or September 1st. Hopefully the house will be packed away by June.

Sometimes you get to a point where you have to let things go. All your material crap, drama and burdens in life to create a new one. I really thought I did this before. I down sized my material goods, got rid of 20 bags of clothing, filed rid of the 60K SUV.

What I failed to miss was real purpose, I still have crap..I still work like a dog and own nothing. I am happy when I have time to do things like hike and dragon boat..but I am so exhausted from stress I can't really enjoy them anymore-I feel like I am in a rat race in Vancouver.

I have had plenty a guardian angel help me out in my day in the worse of times. Thank you. You will never be forgotten.

Sometimes in life, to move forward is forgiveness. When you are focused you can achieve anything, and this is where I need to be. I have a lot of judgement right now, just as the palm reader said. I cant help the people who have that judgement for me, I can only ask that they focus on their weaknesses for now, not mine.

I have experienced probably too much in the last two years, and this is not all about self- this is also working in my field and having things happen that you have no control over. When you do take control of your life, powerful change always occurs. I have met a few people who show me this, and the reason I get ferclempted (teary eyed) Is because I know in my heart I was supposed to do something much greater.

A friend recently told me, this journey has to be done alone, I am terrified actually, and feel alone very much already. Probably more alone when I make my trip-but I will be thankful I completed something when the opportunity became available.

I remember taking fashion and a buyer wanted 1200 dresses, I did not know where to get them made, I was shitty at pattern making, and I sold myself short.

There have been countless opportunities I have failed to act on. The phrase that sticks in my mind the most, from a high school teacher was:
" Laura has the capability to achieve anything, if she would just apply herself" This is the common phrase with people who have ADHD.

I did do one thing right, I taught my son how to apply himself, and he had severe ADHD and is doing very well, sticking true and hard to a career path.

It took me 35 years to find something I was good and passionate about, and this was helping others.
Not once did I actually help myself. Not seriously anyway.

This is a huge task I am embarking on, with selling all my items, fundraising- I hope to raise 10K and its not entirely for the trip- this is a safety net for if I have a emergency or need to go home and to also have a bubble safety net for my family here somewhat.

Fortunately for me I have a few women in my life who will help make this trip possible. I looked at many other options, moving back to Terrace BC for one, however the purpose is not the same. I would go, and work the same field-not toward a larger picture, may possibly save some money-In the end it would be a wonderful companionship with my best friends. It would not move me further into a secure stable place, and would also not fulfill my interest in knowing the unknown. I am a writer and I feel its important I do this.

My best friends are up north, and even the people I have not seen from Terrace in 30 years are my family-
I will come home, but it will be for the right reasons. Like a summer cabin- a long summer, a 3 month winter..It will not be to live a year for the wrong reasons, which are simply....

"I know you all love me, and I love you too-I know you are capable of giving me the break I so need and helping me, and I love you all for that. I realize, the only person who can truly help me, is me."

I looked at living with a relative and banking cash to travel- that is not sacrifice  That is letting someone else foot the bill.

It is everyone's dream to see the world, but would you do it the way I am? Or would you work like a dog and use your holiday pay?

Giving up your life to embark into another world in extreme climate conditions and experiencing your strength is how I tend to do this trip. There will be no car, no electronics. It is below 40 below in China and above 40 in China. It is a test of will.

It is not just about China, this is the first..there will be India, and Europe...
I mentioned to a few people that they should try it and I was blown away by the racial slurs and crap I received.  At the end of the day I can only say..I was sad.

As far as I am concerned you know nothing till you give yourself of everything. We create the paths in life we lead, there is no one to blame but yourself. My situation all stems from myself, every thought I had was a past thought, and this is because I have not trained my brain to think in new thoughts. I am learning now.
Everyone needs to grow and change.

I feel that until I achieve these goals I will never find love, I will never be content and I will never feel whole.
My only regret is that I am not sharing my experiences with someone I love- maybe after the first year that will change. I do know, I need to breath...and I have not breathed properly for several years.

I will be posting craigslist advertisements continually of my items for sale.

 Sundays will be craft days- I will have same items for sale. Weekends will be filled with bottle drives. If you have pickups available please email me at I will be doing pickups Saturday and Sunday mornings. Donations are always welcome. The account is untouchable till I leave, some of the money I raise will go to walk in her shoes, CARE,you can find out more on their website:

I choose this cause because a women here in Vancouver I met at a  event, Sarah Jamieson, was a real inspiration to me, the clinics and coaching and her own business just wowed me. Sarah is a true testament to real strength.  The time that the events for her clinics started, I could not attend any clinics due to the situational crap around me.

I hope to make this a huge change! I don't know if her clinics are still running for CARE, and due to her massive busy schedule I have not heard back. She always answers me, so when I have more info- I will post it here. I hope to start a group but in the meantime check out the Sarah's running website. Loads of information.

Running campaigns will follow, however I need to do a bit more research for this.

I hope you will support me in this journey. If you have fundraising ideas or information you wish to share, or you are interested in finding out information, don't hesitate to contact me.

GVix Signing off

Nov 12, 2012

Palm Readers and Awakening Conversations

Hi and welcome to my neighborhood.

It was really bothering me this year that I have not set out on my quest I originally intended to do when I did my vision boards in 2011. My quest was to do some sort of work abroad... GVixen is about to go International.

I had yet another hard year and gave up my drive for drama. I fell in love a few times, worked in different areas of my field. Stressed about my kids and family and finance..and it all led to the same thing. Still thinking about stress and drama and crap.

I started to ask people in my work field about ways to make this a reality. Teaching abroad was something I knew Id always do- but thought it would take much more years of school to get there, not so. I will write a different post on my Project China. I will be leaving hopefully by either June or August. My life here in Vancouver will be for sale, and my new one will begin.

This was a 4 day weekend for me, I did work here and there, but along the way I had very harmonious conversation, huge support and learned many new things this weekend.

The start of my weekend was Thursday-It was a very hard day and I was very very tired. If you are a avid reader you will know I work for 4 unions and have a broad group of co-workers. One this day when I thought I was ready to pull my hair out from a series of unsupported text messages from family, a raging period, and a migraine...I walked into a lounge.

The first word I heard was Placenta Sausage. When you are not feeling well this can be visualized in a few different scenarios, not good I might add. I said, "What are you talking about?" my gawd!
In the room, there were 4 females and one male. "oh we had a super granola, hippy here one year who thought it cool to save her menstrual in those Dixie Cups and feed the menstrual to the plants", one of the females said. I was mortified, but the conversation did not stop there. The other female said, "Hey Laura this is for your status " I like to get all David Suzuki on my monthly" post that.

The visions of overgrown grey massive bush hair and over tanned wrinkled vagina, certainly did not depict my vagina-but I posted it anyway, cause that's pretty much how I felt, and pretty dam funny if you ask me.

The other female was banging her fist on the table laughing so hard she was snorting and the man in the room sat silently off to the side. The only male decided, he finally would add into the humor and tell a joke, but first he said"okay this may be offensive but three vampires come home, to discuss their meals", one vampire said, "I went to the blood bank", the other vampire says, "I got two babies in the back", the last vampire says-"I decided on a mellow evening and am just having tea", as he pulls the bloody white string out of the hot water in the cup.

I was laughing, and grossed out- I forgot quickly my issues and found it rather odd they were all talking about blood n guts and there I was on possibly the worse period known to man. Anyway I goggled it and found this stream of chat-GROSS- I am sorry, but do plants seek humans in the wild for blood? This picture is wrong here.

Feeding blood to plants?
So after a few months of using my cup, I decided that flushing the blood down the toilet is a bit of a waste and I'm going to try fertilizing my plants with it. Are you supposed to dilute the blood before you give it to the plants? Will it make my herbs more nutritious if I feed them blood (all that iron...)? Is it even ok to give blood to a plant you're going to eat?
plants are so powerful! they can even break down pollution!
something as wonderfully nutrient-rich as blood ought to be just fine, not to mention incredibly nourishing for your plants.
in cunt: a declaration of independence, inga muscio talks about a friend who rinses out her menstrual sponge and gives the resulting "blood tea" to her plants.
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
Awesome fertilizer, but you have to dilute it atleast 10:1 so you don't burn the plants, but well diluted plants do seem to like it. 
(Reply) (Thread) (Link)
Menstrual blood will burn plants? Did I misinterpret that?
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Link)
I interpreted it as the blood is too concentrated for the plant, but your comment made me picture someone pouring blood straight from their cup onto the plant and the plant bursting into flames. Thanks for making me giggle today : D. Actually, blood setting stuff on fire might explain why some females flip out if they even think about touching their own menstrual fluids.

This was a great time of laughter to the end of my day.

The second day I watched movies and slept then did a graveyard shift.  I had a couple try to persuade me into having sex after my 6 month dry period via text messages. That was entertaining, and soo not happening.

The hoopla of the weekend was a friends birthday, this was supposed to be paintball, spa and dinner n drinks- I went with my friend to 3Vets! A amazing store that sells fatigues. We ate a huge Da Dutch breakfast and went shopping. The paintball fell through, not enough people. I was glad actually. The dinner and massive drinking did occur.

During the massive drinking a Palm Reader came to the event.
He was jolly and happy, a Olympian he said. He said he did read palms, but he had to be drunk to do it??
He said it was too much for his system and had to be open to receive, whatever the fuck that meant.
All I knew is I needed to drive and had the water intake and it was time to go.

He said, " you , over here, I'm gonna read your palm". I said, "OK" thinking he was really a load of bullshit.
He grabbed my hand and paused and shook his head several times, I said "what am I going to die?"
It is not good when someone does that, he said..."You have allot of Judgement in your life, and it doesn't matter what you do you will never be good enough"
I blinked a few times, because I really was going threw some huge issues that I try not to talk about currently.

He said, "You will never be good enough. So be who you are." "You have not thought with your center."
"You are beautiful and smart and give allot to this world, you are going on a grand journey".
"I would like you to stop in to India to my ashrome."
I sat in silence, not saying a word..because the truth was I was about to cry.

"Even a death cannot bring you all together-you have great wisdom and you will learn much more along the way"
He said, "soon you will teach in a much broader audience". "You will lose everything, but gain everything."

This was a man I never met, and no one at the table could have told him anything about me because my friend had not even seen him for quite some time.

It was very scary and I felt compelled to leave immediately.
He then said, "Do not be scared anymore, I know you feel completely alone but you are so very much loved from people you do not even know."
"Your mind is telling you you are not good enough from what you have been through, but you are far more than good enough. Accept it and start thinking from the core."

I was blown away, and really did have to leave. When you go through the end you only want to hear, you are OK and good enough.

So its decided we are making a short detour to India before China!:)

Sunday was brunch with some very special people, hung over or not, then off to see my world traveler uncle!

My Uncle and I met at the Main and had great food n drink, he was on a flight out to South East Asia and chatted with me about his travels a bit ,enlightening me with tales from his previous trips. He has a fail proof bedbug tent that he sets up on top of any bed that he stays in. In China, the white man is the lower breed and starring intently at a person is apparently aloud.

In India if there are 4 brothers the first will go into a trade, the second collage, the third a goat, the forth will have his fingers mutated and will be a professional beggar-apparently they are very serious when they tell you thee types of tales.

I found out, that on my dads side, all the kids suffer from sever depression and my uncle expanded how this may be a gap in the family origin- he also explained how he deals with it, and his purpose to move forward.
He explained that almost all of his brothers and sister were not even aware, and the solitude and clutter in ones life is a example-him included and he is just trying now to improve. I think my uncle was closest to my dad, and the loss of the their dad was a mirror image of what is happening in our family in some degrees.

My uncle has never married and I finally asked the long over due question, are you a Asexual or gay..My uncle just laughed his head off and said hes had plenty a pleasure of women in other countries and in life in general but prefers a solitary life style.

My uncle was known as the world traveler for years, a solitude man studying archaeology, the forest and everything else that has to do with nature. I believe he is a genius.

We asked the table next to use to take a picture, and low and behold these were people that were also flying out to Nepal, and just so happens knew of my uncle and could practically name his whole neighborhood in his previous town. We stayed a bit longer then, for my uncle to catch up a bit.

My uncle gave me valuable tips about the huge journey I would take, and then looked down and said he really thought my sister would be the next world traveler and used to send books.
I said, she will in good time, I don't think its over for her calling just yet.

We then talked a little about old family origin, he was astonished when I showed a picture of a long lost cousin in Alberta that looked exactly like my sister, in fact he almost shit his pants. My uncle hopes that all this will come together soon. I have to say I am starting a new relationship with my Uncle and the only real relationship my uncle has had, is with the second eldest sister who he loves very much and sees as a worldly person. Maybe somewhere on my travels I can fly my sister out. who knows.

My visit was very touching and loving and I saw the voice in my dad, that he failed to use at times.
The people next to use were kind of honored to speak with my Uncle as I think his work may be a little well known. As far away as my uncle is, he seems to have a concern for my mom, and had hoped he could see her-This was very touching, as my fathers side was never really that close to my mom, he said he did some family albums and could I please apologize to my mom for using a prior name. I said yes, of coarse-but that was her life then. not now.

The end of my evening was supposed to end with a interview of a arising punk star in Vancouver, although I have a feeling he has been working for years, story will come your way eventually on Vancouver Voice

The punk and I moved it to tomorrow. tea for two-I hope its sunny. If it isn't it probably will be anyway, because every time I talk to the man I feel sunshine.:) His latest on Sound Cloud Below.

Reset Conformity

GVixen Signing off on a great 4 day weekend
Nite all

Nov 5, 2012

Old Topic..Review

A reader asked what recently happened to my posts of the letters, the 365 letters I had posted.

Where was I on the grief?  I have refrained from my 365 letters because in fact, the letters have been turned into a book. I am sure no one wants to hear about someone dealing with grief on a daily basis for 365 days, what is the point of that? It's depressing. I decided this would make better, a book, on grief counsel. The book  is based on a women going through loss and grief, with humor and a little crazy.  I am thankful I have had some amazing support on the book from a friend who is a psychologist and am excited about the release sometime in the future.

We have a choice to be sad or happy, to move forward or not too. I am still dealing with the sadness and am in a assortment of small therapy. I have chosen to move forward, find something in each day that brings me happiness. I am thankful for the support I have from my friends who force themselves into my life and my mother and most importantly my co-workers and health professionals. I still cry at inappropriate times, I just say I have something in my eyes now. It works.

"If you or someone you know has lost a family member, experienced family loss during the process-
Please advise on some sort of grief counsel, A person who does not deal with the loss and family turmoil will feel emotions of anger, depression, outbursts, loss of focus  stomach pain, sickness and stress, alcohol intake and other suppressants-which effect health later."
Brought to you by your friendly GP.

I have a few life coaches that are truly angels , who force me to talk about what I am feeling and I also found a support group, finally!  a support group that is not crazy religious and may help me try to talk about what I am feeling. Funny I found a old workbook I was given when plarring my diploma in child and youth justice- I never read the book, but aced the exam.

 I found the book and the first chapter was a eye opener. If you have family origin issues , I highly encourage you to try the workbook- There may be some of you out there that need this book. I am only on chapter one, and its very very hard for me to do- Because you have to take accountability and face fears. I don't want to live in the emotions that will cause daily emotional turmoil, so I have decided to set a time and place and to do one chapter every two weeks. This is the free download below.

Download for free

One of my  friends, who has been a coach in past and who I value very much, had asked me a few times of what I had been through.  I was not ready to share-NOOO...bring up shit that makes you cry for hours, not likely.

However I really missed the man, and he had been on tour for quite some time, and from another world, late at night, he asked me again."Are you ready to share? " Sharing with a life coach requires that you, yourself has to deal with the work with it-because what ever they say in response to you, will leave you with internal work to do within yourself. 

I basically fired off a bunch of point form events- with not real much emotion. "he probably hid his shock.
I did feel his words were very valuable, and I see writing for him in the future , possibly in another country.

So I decided to share his words with you today, because really his words can apply to anyone and any situation..

Laura, thanks for sharing. Sorry I disappeared there.
I hear you though
living with memory is all you have, when you lose someone
it sounds really complex in terms of dealing with it
but in the end of the day, if you can be okay with the memories, and accept who your father was - especially who he was to you, then you can move on knowing that whatever he was to you was for the purpose you have the outlooks you have now.
By their actions, parents teach us...either to emulate them in the good things they stood for, or choose to change your life to avoid facing the problems they encountered
it seems that in your family there is a driving force making these really wild and dramatic scenarios happen. I'll ask you a question - where do you think that stems from, and why does it continue to happen?

one other thought for now...if you want to be free of this craziness, it's a choice on your part. Sometimes very difficult because it requires a calm honesty towards those closest to you (your family) about the situation- meaning a declaration to them that you don't want contact with them under the circumstances that your relationships exist, and be prepared to live by your word.

if you can let go of that - accept who they are no matter if you feel it's good or bad, and leave them be if you feel you can't do anything else, or that it is dragging you further into the ground.
eventually, at this rate, it will. How do you want your book to end? A massive explosion, or peace for yourself?
I just read a cool book called the 4 agreements, which talks about an ancient cultural way of living through 4 principles that help to avoid drama in life...not to avert it, but to stop it before it gets crazy.
I'll give you the concepts, and see what you think
1. Be impeccable to your what you say
2. Assume nothing
of any situation or anybody
if you don't know why someone would or wouldn't do something..ask as opposed to making up reasons why in your mind..this is the root of gossip/rumors, and creates massive havoc in the world
3. Take nothing personally
someone can rag on you, or even give a compliment - the key to this is recognizing how you feel inside about it, and compare that to where someone is coming from in saying what they're saying..even positive remarks can be misleading sometimes
4. Do the best you can
given your situation

meaning..we all know what our best is when we have time, energy, resources available...but when we don't, we still think we can achieve the same level, and kill ourselves trying to make it happen. In those situations, when you're exhausted physical/emotionally, recognize what you can put out, and be okay with that, and don't be afraid to be honest with others that you can't do something for them at the level they demand, even if it is just for a meeting. This is a deep honesty and respect for yourself and your health, which is essential to being able to deal with anything in your life clearly. See how these ideas sit with you in your situation, and if you have any questions, fire away.

You're awesome Laura, and a very strong soul. You apparently have a major duty/role in this world to communicate messages to the masses, and it takes a strong person to do this. Glad it's you - MA

I have also been working on a memoir of my life, this  has been advised for years and years..and its allot of work, mental work and memory work.  I received a very nice email today personally from Jane Friedman, yes the writer who gave me some tips, on writing a memoir, the article  Jane provided me reads:

Today’s guest post is from author and professor Tracy Seeley. Her memoir, My Ruby Slippers
When we write memoir, we pull back the curtain on our private lives and invite readers in. We willingly give up our privacy, or a chunk of it. But because we’re human, our stories also include other people: parents and siblings, teachers and neighbors, lovers and friends—and they haven’t exactly signed on to the deal.
What about their privacy?  
This question can shut a memoirist right up. What if Aunt Betsy never speaks to me again? Or what if the next door neighbor decides to sue? Exposing others in the course of telling our story can feel pretty risky. So let’s tease apart the issues and address the fears.
1. What Will [So-and-So] Think? Will They Ever Speak to Me Again?
Writing memoir is not for the faint-hearted. We do think about how others will react, or worry we’ll damage our relationships. But writing out of fear is the worst way to go about creating a memoir. Our first obligation is to the art and truth of our story. And that means not censoring ourselves. 
Of course, writing always means choosing: which details to include, which to leave out, which elements of a story to foreground, which to minimize, how to shape a chapter, what events mean.
But the writer chooses.  
The fear censor doesn’t get to choose, and neither do the other characters in our story, who may take up residence in our heads and try to commandeer the pencil. 
When I wrote my memoir, I learned to listen for two inner voices. One was the quiet, sure voice of artistic instinct. Yes, it would say, this part of the story has to be told, and should be told in this way.   
The riskier the moment felt, the louder a second voice would pop up and say “No!” Every time, I had to take a deep breath, and despite the fear, follow the voice of the artist. 
2. Ethical Obligations: Clean Motives and Transparency 
However, this doesn’t mean we should be callous in exposing others to the light. It’s essential to have clean motives in representing others. Memoir shouldn’t be an occasion for humiliating, shaming or punishing someone. It’s not an instrument of revenge, but of shaping meaning from our lives. 
In my book, a character does something that hurts me terribly at the time—and yet the story wasn’t really in what he did, but what I came to understand about myself afterward.  
So in writing about this episode, I had to make sure my motives were clean.  No revenge, no shaming.
To make sure I wasn’t exposing him for the wrong reasons, I decided early on not to use his real name, a choice I disclose to readers.
Once a manuscript is finished, many memoirists allow the other actors in their stories to read it, and then discuss anything they may find troubling.   This doesn’t mean you’re obligated to change things. But there may be room—now that the work is finished—for some negotiation.  
I let my sisters read my manuscript, and despite my having disclosed family stories, was surprised by their unqualified support. If they’d objected to something, I would have been open to negotiating a change if it wouldn’t have hampered the book. I also like to think that a conversation about why I thought something essential might have persuaded a reluctant sister to agree. 
I also sent the manuscript to a childhood friend who’s featured very positively in one chapter. I wasn’t asking for approval, but simply wanted her to know what was coming—public exposure. Simply letting our subjects in to the process goes a long way toward soothing any surprises down the road. 
3. The Legal Angle: Real and Unreal Fears
If you’re in doubt about the legality of your depiction of another person, there’s no substitute for trained legal advice. Still, with a basic understanding of the issues, it’s possible to guard against trouble. 
First, you should know that memoirists don’t often get sued. But when it happens, the claims are either for defamation or invasion of privacy. Here’s what you should know about both.
Defamation. If someone says you’ve defamed them, they’re claiming what you’ve written is untrue, and done so with malice. So besides having clean motives, your best protection is to write the truth. Check your facts and have evidence to back up your claims. Uncle Bert may be angry about your unflattering depiction of him, but if he really did hide his hooch in the hay loft, you’re on solid ground.
You also can’t be sued for your opinion. So if you depict Uncle Bert as an insensitive lout, he may withhold your birthday present, but he can’t sue.
Defamation claims can also arise when the writer and his or her subject remember things differently. Each claims his or her version is true, and that the other person is lying. This is what happened in the case of Augusten Burroughs, who was sued by the family featured in Running With Scissors
We all know memory is fickle, so it’s easy enough to acknowledge the fact and head off this kind of defamation problem. Perhaps in your preface, introduction or acknowledgments, write that you’ve been faithful to your memory, but your subjects may remember things differently. As part of the settlement in his case, this is what Burroughs wrote in subsequent editions of his book, as well as saying that he intended no harm. 
Invasion of Privacy. This legal claim might seem the scarier prospect. We are, after all, revealing things about others they may not have revealed on their own. Yet from a legal standpoint, this doesn’t  automatically mean you’ve invaded their privacy. A successful claim depends on proving that you have revealed facts “not related to public concern.”  
So what does this mean? Quite simply, a defense depends on arguing a legitimate “public concern.” This can take a number of forms. In some cases, the fact that a publisher chose to publish the book has been enough to show a legitimate public interest. 
Several strategies can help us avoid privacy lawsuits in the first place. Some memoirists get written permission from subjects before they start. Some disguise the identity of the person they’re depicting, giving them different physical characteristics, perhaps a different profession or different city of residence—whatever will prevent them from being recognized in their own community.  
Final Thoughts
As I wait for my book to come out this spring, I feel a bit of fear rise up.  My parents, central to my story, are no longer alive, so I rest easy on that score.  But people who knew and cared about them are still around, and I worry how they will react. But I also know that I’ve written the best book I can, with artistic aims foremost. I’ve been faithful to my own experience, acknowledging that others may remember things differently. I know that my motives have been clean, and as a sign of respect, I’ve shared the manuscript with those who have the most at stake.  
As you work on your own memoir, write with fidelity to your own experience while knowing that memory is fallible. Write with respect for your subjects, even if they come across as louts. And tell your story true.
Have honesty and courage.Ruby Slippers is available on Amazon.
*So there it is, The shits gonna hit the fan one day! Just kidding, this will, if anything be self discovery. However to write a memoir you almost require a team of people. I have started with a list of contents, and a person to review each chapter. I choose someone who I feel is neutral, and can say" its shit or its good" if need be. I also have a psychologist who will put reference in there, and several life coaches. I am hoping this will be a 5 year project, as I have decided to teach English in other country's by 2014. The Tisol  coarse for ESL, is only a month long, however the legal project is huge. The easy part is the Tisol, its 900 bucks and a month long, with job placement and help with the paperwork. Huge demand and great wage, the hard part is fixing your current life to actually go.
This will be my final chapter- The happy ending, the world tour.
siafucknoara...The travel that changes people. The over due journey-This will require fundraising and all that other jazz that goes with it, and thank god I know a few good eggs who have done it well. 
Well that's it for today,
Signing off GVix

Nov 3, 2012

Health Conscious

Gluten free products are the new replacement for all wheat products in today's world. Diet and exercise don't cut it anymore-but you all know this right?

I find it odd, that back in the day, there were no health concerns with Mama's homemade bread's.
We don't eat rice now, we eat Quinta or 3 bean lentils. Potato's are out, strictly squash, yam's or mashed cauliflower. Soy Sauce is a sin!

I am talking about this today, in hopes I will receive amazing feedback, possibly easy recipes and outlook-

 Today, 85% of women are type 2 diabetes, I am one of them. My diabetes is extreme, therefore, I have been insulin dependant before, why do you think this is?

In the past diabetes was inherited, and I do have some family with diabetes, but the family that is affected, is not blood related.

What the heck is celiac deficiency? This was not around when we were stuffing our faces with our mothers home made breads. Gluten free-God why? $7.00 dollars for a fucking loaf of bread.

Fibermialja was also introduced in the early 90s-I really feel this is brought on by depression- it is chronic pain for life-can you imagine?

Chronic pain that is so bad you cant walk. This pain is in the nerves and is so undetectable and hard to prove, that most patients with it are just called today's latest junkies.

I have noticed that most patients I know with fibermialgia, have always been on heavy depressive drugs to "Kill the pain" with minimal therapy, this is because the average person can't afford therapy. As the disease progress's in life the pain will only get worst or increase- but this is just my own thoughts, I am not a doctor.
I do know it is real, my mom struggles with it every day. I just have seen many patients that have fibermiaglia after years of medication in their systems.

I have had a few issues in the past two years- My diabetes is worse, I have tried everything health wise-I am on a half vitamin, half prescription plan-which is 20 pills a day taken 5 times a day.
I have more yeast infections and bladder infections than normal- I am told to cut sugar. Its impossible!! its like cigarettes. I recently bought stevia-gross, licorice coffee, good news now it comes in normal flavors-Ill have to find that.

Then there is the joy of Candida- I have talked about it before. Candida is an over abundance of yeast-can hit you in many ways, either way the shit is in the blood stream. Combine this with diabetes and you get sore feet, diabetic callous (caused by sugar) Fatigue, bad periods..Most of this I have under control-

 I read on the Internet that if you toast all your bread it killed the yeast, now there's a thought. You see yeast, dairy, sugar all ferment and cause this candida, and pH levels and immune system to just plain be fucked as you get older.

I talked to a friend recently who is celiac-and is on a gluten free life style- because this can help all the other crap that is happening to us in today's age- I feel its the food, shit is in our food! The gluten free is another product we have to buy? seriously? it is 8 dollars for a box of cereal. 6 dollars for a two person portion of pasta-you can forget about gnocchi, muffins or anything else that makes you happy- you are destined to be miserable, and the worse part of it it-who has time to run around to different health stores and prepare all those recipes that are apparently healthier? I don't.

Splenda was once upon a time the cure for sugar replacement, now Splenda is on the shit list-Just google it..

Some of the gluten free items do taste OK, but I do not want to add another 100 dollars on my grocery list.

A gorgeous tall Asian lady in the food isle looking rather frustrated with her purchases was beside me-
My tally of groceries was way too high- I said..just take all the gluten crap off.
The lady beside me said, "your falling for that are you?" I said, "well whats your take on it?" She said. " well I just eat fruit veggies and ancient grain, like Quinta- my proteins are fish and chicken and that's it- no bread, no rice, no sugar- I learned to live with it." I said, " oh. I am still eating rice and sugar, noodles on occasion"
The Teller said , "Are you sure?" I said, " I am sure right now"

You see everything in my life is a budget now, because again, once you hit 40 you realize all the things you should of taken care of financially at 20. We all should of listened to your dad's people.

Having financial stress is one of the root causes of depression, relationship loss, gut rot. I recently found out, that males that are trying to get there "ducks in a row" this meaning, financial bubble for retirement, after the age of 40 can have a mid life crisis. A mid life crisis is supposed to happen at 35, graying of hair, weight forth.

In today's world, men are developing manic depression, ADHD from trying to beat the rat race, settling for less sleep, forgetting what serenity and wellness are.
I realized I may be getting old when...I thought I was pretty cool last week, with the hot substitute physical Ed teacher that filled in for our regular teacher. I was training the boys in class,  volleyball. I was showing off a little as well.  I haven't done a spike in about 20 years. This week my shoulder socket is hurting, I popped it. I am real kewl, not.

The economy has to be creative and strives for new invention and thought- restaurants, product and employment are then created-which is good-but not for the average person who is just looking to live 100.
This is not good for the once middle class, now thrown into the poverty level. What I mean to say is, the media has us all hyped up about gluten free and every thing else, that the average person is spending more and making less and worrying tons.

Kegan Water- What you've all been waiting for! I was sold on this 7 years ago after going to many seminars. This is alkaline water that brings your PH levels back to a baby. pH level 8.5 of the water flushes the toxins from the body. pH level 11 cleans without soap.
I recently went to The Seeds Convention, I saw the machines there, they are about 4000 dollars. The machines were introduced in Japan, it is almost mandatory to have one because the water is so bad.

As I watched the demo of our tap water looking like piss, that's right piss. The high priced bottled water had large amounts of sodium in there and was almost orange. The only safe water,believe it or not, is Canadian Springs. Canadian Springs is the closest to pure water.

The demonstrators had a 21 day challenge of water, you drink a gallon and track your results.
I have tried the water for a week and all I have done is shit. The more I drink the thirstier I get. No weight loss-but I am trying to gain weight so this is good.

I read  a guys blog below on the kegan water, I have to say-I am starting to agree. Picking up the water from a strangers house is also a pain in the ass. I actually thought I would get the machine for 21 days. I am not going to purchase a machine, when I could go on a vacation for 4K-which in my life right now would give me all the vitality and health benefits I need as far as I am concerned. Bali, Delhi, Italy..oh the dreams-Love Eat Pray for sure!

I have started a 8 week challenge, OK well I have not started , its starts tomorrow, it is gym everyday and yoga 3 days a week, twice on Saturdays and Sundays. I am so UN flexible and sore, I need to get this into perspective. I am going to the new YYOGA in kitsilano, most of the rooms are hot rooms. The hot Yoga gets rid of seasonal depression and also they have the red sauna and tea for free. The program is two weeks unlimited yoga for 35 dollars. I have gone before and it is really nice. The nice part is you can start with Hailtha, Yin and Restorative yoga's that are slow and meditative and ease you into the harder yoga. I am excited, but not so much!

I had a wonderful day on Main street the other day. I went into "Mother India" I was looking for incense, a gold pot, prayer beads, tea, a candle and a men's Sari. The man was awesome and said, " Are you getting ready for Diwali?" I said, "no I am shopping for a friend"
A very round joyous man was in the store with his little daughter, and she had the Jeanie shoes-made me think of my little niece Macy, I must get her size because they had them in pink and baby blue! So cute!

The jolly man said,"oh miss, no no no, dis berry nice, but for man , no no no"
I was looking through the bins of prayer beads, these are made from sacred seeds from India. The man then says,"what is your name? you live in neighbourhood?" I laughed and said, " I am Laura, nice to meet you"
he said, "I am Salli, Nice to meet you, tell me about man please"
 I laughed, and said,  "honestly, this is a man who is white, 6'4 and coming to terms with his scattered mind and needs focus, so the man is trying yoga" "I thought it would be fun if the man, who is from the north, got into the culture a bit" The jolly man said,"oh yes, berry good for man, berry good,  come I help you shop."
I had a great 1 hour shop with Salli, and the owner said, "Laura you must go to India I think, please take this array of tea and incense, no charge, this is the best basil incense!"

I just LOve that store!! I had also gotten my friend a yoga Matt and I packaged it all up to meet his tired sweet face. I was more happy to see him stunned at my gifts! The Sari will have to wait till we go to India!
I felt like I had a great day, all because of that short meeting with my friend, who is in the rat race..of Vancouver.

I went home and put on my nice music and new incense and  cleaned the house! I was even able to get this done with my popped shoulder.

I also found another good read, great lady!Mariellen Ward. Read Mariellen's story!
Travel that changes you

I am still mulling around about the food ideas, its all so time consuming and draining. I love food, this is my problem-all of it, although fried foods not so much anymore.

So back to health conscious, do we really have to over obsess about it people? I guess for me, just being aware is more important.

Gvix Signing off
Recipes are more than welcome
Shit, there are even weight loss ads on my blog- trust me I did not get to choose! I should create my own ad! "Cut the Bullshit, Stay healthy, with organic farmer food choices!"

Oct 22, 2012

Comment Reply from GVix from post: Fat Men

My response to the comments on my recent blog, Fat Men:
The comments were awaiting my approval for publication and I have clearly sent them to the SPAM box.
I am open to constructive criticism always. Constructive criticism may be in the comment form of a person saying, “Fix your spelling, and check your grammar”. Constructive Criticism may be a comment from a person that writes; “my opinion of this blog are a bit off the mark, because if you look at society today”; and then a fact to back the statement up.
Please note readers, this blog is a personal journal of my own. The story’s I choose to write about may be about actual events and experiences I have had in my life, fiction or a combination of both. How you choose to process the story is completely your thought process, not mine, if you take the topics personally, you may have some baggage to work on.
In my profile, it clearly states I have all the spelling errors of a grade 8er; however I received honors in English Literature and Creative Writing.
I read a book from the 70’s called “sic”. The author wrote an entire personal journal in unreadable handwriting, very hard to read. The story was a good one, and this is the format I write this blog in.
On a professional level, I have written in Mental Health and for talent, I am asked quite often to write a blog on behalf of someone else.  The other blog and work that goes with it take countless hours of editing; currently I have not had time to do so. I also am losing my sight- and quite often in text messages, and Facebook messages you will see an OPPS..I meant. This is freaking me out entirely, I have gone from 75 readers to now 200 readers, and there is nothing I can do, but wait.  Now you know.
As far as creative outlet,  I have tons and can write a subject in about 5 minutes, this all comes with ADHD; however my thinking is faster than my writing. This is why you will see fragments and poor structure, however if you viewed the content in a positive light-you would find my writings very funny.
The majority of followers, and most readers, around 35000 a year-think I am hilarious, and get pissed when blogs are in delay.

The blog to me is quick writing, the book with have an editor.
My 35000 readers a year I find for the majority , have a positive outlook and have come accustomed to my rants raves and horrid spelling errors, they find it humorous- I am sorry some of you are angry inside.
In defense of what you assume of my blog FAT MEN-
First and foremost-in the last 5 years I have specialized in obesity with Prader Willie and Cerebral Palsy, Down syndrome so forth, I have worked with nutritionist’s – and the persons I serve.
I have a heart so huge you could not even fathom, and I have grown to love my persons with disabilities and advocate on a daily basis. These persons I serve cannot help their weight problems; this could be due to genes, the disability or the medication. If I am critical of the overweight people in my life, your dam right I am-I love you and quite frankly I would like you around for a long fucking time. However this blog Fat Men was not about this topic, you missed the boat.
This blog was about making choices in who my life partner will be and not settling for less than someone who will remain healthy for a long time, so that the time they are in my life will be one filled with things we can do in common nature.
I used to think chubby was cute and quite often , still do, more so always attracted to a person with some meat-says that in the first sentence of my blog.
However my heart is breaking due to health concerns in the persons I serve, and persons I care about-therefore obesity has been a more prominent focal point for me recently. The last 5 years to be exact.
After training with one of the best health nutritionists in Vancouver, I realized I actually have a bit of talent helping people with their weight.  In past I never really cared about weight issues, much less thought about it, my mother  and family members were chubby and beautiful, all extremely healthy and active at the same time. I thought this was normal, and I had issues. I was called little fucking Ethiopian in high school, cause my legs had a horseshoe from being so thin, and well I have darker skin than the rest of my family.
I am also single, and in the dating world-I find an overabundance of males that do not take care of their health, this seems to appear on the internet-go figure.
The man I discuss in the blog, is a beautiful person, however I only date beautiful people. The men in my life have come and gone, and the reason is we were not suited. Or simply, they were an asshole. I always see the good in everyone, and sometimes I miss the bad. The man in the blog, specifically in this story, lost weight WHILE he was with me, because we were in love and active. He did not choose to lose weight-It happened on its own. Last I looked he was about 300 lbs., happy as hell, and if you read the blog-you would of clearly read the weight was not my concern.
Most of my X boyfriends are still beautiful inside and out, and yes, they have found women who love them very much, and are suited for them. I never criticized my x boyfriends weight, quite often loved them the way they were.
The man in the blog is not the only over weight man I have dated before, - therefore how do you even know who I am writing about? Furthermore, do you think it’s you? Lol, if so-get over it, it’s a blog.
It is true; I have been unhealthy for 20 years of my life-it is also documented throughout my blog.
I have smoked, drank, been sexually active at times and called the kettle black as I see it.  Personal slams will get you nowhere,  I am the queen at criticizing myself and do on a daily basis. Why? So I can be better in all that I do. Truth is I love all the struggles and shit I have gone through-it makes me who I am. I sometimes fart in public as well, no surprise.
If you can’t handle this blog don’t read it. I have 35000 readers a year, who support and nurture me and inspire me to continue to write.  Furthermore- topics with such grandeur bring people to read the blog-funny or not. How you take it is your choice and your choice alone. There are catch phrases that bring the audience to a read, for example;
-pussy…gvixen- This was a blog called “what’s up pussy cat?”
If someone goggles pussy- I come into that picture.
The word, Love affair- some women has a cheating husband and want to know how to deal with it, they type in love affair.
girl=gvixen, just a girl…”Love affairs should last forever”
These “Catch” words are often in my titles and subtitles and this is why the title Fat Men, brought 186 readers in one day.  The title sounds like a blog that is criticizing fat men. The blog is about a story of overweight men that I have come across in my life and have met with health concerns.
For the people that decided to comment on my blog that I was offensive to all men and women.

I think there may be some deeper wounds in your life.  I am truly sorry you read my blog and took the story to heart personally.

For everyone’s entertainment today, I made a trip to Chapters and decided to give myself a refresher coarse in in spelling and grammar, please note: I am an artist, not a professor. I also picked up “Driven” by Robert Herjavac. The book was referred to me by someone who actually gave me constructive criticism, when I asked for it.

The book will simply, help me kick your motherfucking ass in so many ways than one. I hope.

If you find this blog offensive, don’t click the adult content sign, read the disclaimer-or rather look at why you feel this blog is offensive to you specifically-might you have some insecurities of your own? Please if you are going to read the blog, at least understand it. Whoever left those comments, did not-I have a clear picture of who the two of you were. I love you both dearly. That’s right, even you ASSHOLE.
How would my Peers feel about this blog, was also in the comments? Who are my peers?

One peer who I value very much is a psychologist in their late 50’s, which reviews my blog, and continues to support me in work and on here-we all need a venting outlet in life. 

Another peer is someone very high up in one of the companies I work for, and they understand who I am and the work I do-and view this blog more as a comedy show-and I believe they like it.
I have some hippy humanitarians, which also support me in my writing, these people are the people who I look up too.
Doctors, policemen teacher’s advocators all support this blog-Is that enough for you?
Instead of being an internet TROLL, try to look at my blog in a positive humorous light and then you may actually enjoy it.
Signing off GVix