May 18, 2013

Mr Mailman..

"Oh Mr Mailman..come ring my bell...I'll give you the sweetest milk that I've ever selled.."
How does one’s describe oneself? In my wise years I find dating....Ugh,  work. There was a time I spend allot of time on my hair, makeup, nails, clothes. I find that with my schedule I am exhausted to go to such extent.
So I hope that whomever is with me will be OK with the just me, and not all that other crap all the time. My profile is simply a wanted advertisement, and now that I have actually physically started dating I am bombarded with tons of questions.

Am I happy with myself image? I think I am youthful in mind and body and stay somewhat active. I have a fabulous ass, I know this because a friend of mine took a picture, and had it on his cell for a time.I look at my ass and think I have some cellulite on that puppy, apparently, its the shape of it that men like. Me and my one sister RR have it, it doesn't matter if we gain or lose weight, that ass is a bootee.
I watch my dietary intake, take care of my teeth. I had braces, thank gawd. I think I have aged the last year with some sadness in my life and I do think I need to get more physically fit. To the naked eye, I am average with a small muffin top, bit of cellulite on my ass.

Mental Self, I still find I have moments of grief over loss of family. I feel discouraged at times, frustrated and wanting to give up sometimes. I have to say I am totally exhausted and my physician says I should have a year off. This is almost impossible.

As I mentioned before, your checklist of the ideal man- should be a mirror image of yourself. If not, you are not a team player and really are in the pool of "Lucky"
If you are on welfare sitting on your ass, what on earth gives you entitlement to a hard working man? See what I'm getting at here?

Home/Finance/Baggage

I did an amazing job as a mother and caregiver to my kids, and still do. For several years, I had a health plan, pension and vacation. My union position lasted 8 years, and I burnt out. I entered into the world of casual. I downsized everything to the size of a storage unit. I have zero savings, no pension plan, no medical or vacation. I owe bankruptcy 11000, for an original file of 40K. I will always have work, and money coming in, I am resourceful. I own nothing. Is this stressful? Yes, but I have gotten to a point where my health is more important and I feel I will find a solution soon.
If I were to dwell on money, that would be stupid, it is just money.
I know I would probably be very resourceful homeless.

What I love:
I love nature-but am not too educated in it. I am a newbie. I was a tree planter/slasher/brusher and cook for camps for 3 years; once upon a time I could fish. I own camp gear but my sons always put the shit up- I hike and I am OK in the woods. I am a funny great travel partner. I am not going to lie, I love beautiful things, this can be from Holt Renfew or a recycled can with flowers in it. I am a artist and love to create things. I have dreamed about writing, and just creating things and selling that- because its what I love. I LOVE gardening and renovation of my spaces. Every shit hole I have lived in is nice. I don’t mind cooking and having dinner parties. I like to entertain. I love planning funny events. I just don’t have the space now:/

What I have to offer someone?

Myself.

In my mind I often worry that I don’t have anything to offer, because I feel discouraged about loss and my financial picture on paper- I mean , In my mind I have always wanted to be the person I seek, at high points in my life I was.
So I filed bankruptcy and started to work on things the last two years, so that I would be adequate to the checklist I was seeking. I am not even close to being there.

My friends, point out the amazing things I have to offer a partner- and I reflect on this now. One of my best friends pointed out things I have to offer that most women do not. After all my writing about my life I realize I am an amazing catch.
Work/Humanitarian

I work very similar to a man; I will work 24/7 and bring home a monthly income of 4k. I will give up sleep, events, relatives...all to work. I will look ragged and shitty, but I don’t care. I care about everyone else before myself. This is the field of caregivers, mental health and youth. It is what I was meant to do.

I look at the ledger I was required to do this past year, I made allot of money- This went on everyone else I realize, and the cost of the city. A partner who would provide for me and take my earnings and put limitations on my life for the better, I think would be good, clearly I can’t do it myself, my good friend had a system for me, and this has been working ..slowly...

I don’t bitch or complain, I just get things done. This is apparently rare in today’s world. I think maybe its because I raised two boys and I just think differently.

Lifestyle

I am spontaneous, always have been. If my kids wanted to do camping or go somewhere, we’d do it-there was never any planning or organizing the makeup bag- we’d be gone, and then afterward Id realize I forgot proper shoes, ginch and so forth but I’d make do. I believe in buying produce from farmers, or growing your own-I believe in clean healthy lifestyle.  A market, flowers and a picnic are more appealing to me that dinner in a fancy restaurant.

I love to dress up, eat among the rich and stay in a gorgeous hotel- but it’s not a requirement and I feel that traveling and seeing the wonders of the world are way more exciting. I would rather be in a blues lounge starring into the eyes of my lover, having wine and then doing something shortly afterward.

I love people, I can make friends everywhere and quite often on a night out, I will be the one outside taking to the homeless person.  I make funny in my own space. I believe in a good sleep. I rarely sleep in cuddle mode, unless its on the couch watching movies. I have been sleeping alone now for some time and have one arm up, one leg down, I talk in my sleep and may recite the entire method of cleaning your teeth, I am in rhythm now with my pug and if I am overtired I will snore. I sometimes have sex in my sleep, not with my dog.

I like afternoon naps, and surprises. I love to surprise people and am very generous.

Insecurities:

Sex and being center of attention in my world are important to me. For, several reasons.
I actually went to therapy on this issue.

This is what I found out. I have deep insecurities developed from my upbringing. For several periods in my life, I felt I did not deserve what I dreamed of having in a man. The educated highly attractive, ..you know the dream man, that little girls want. Because it was not till much later I found out how to achieve goals, what types of education you require to be in a higher standard of life, what kinds of people you have in your circle. Me and my mother were gypsy..transient, my mother having little education and basically trying to survive. My mom did the best she could do, and I probably would not be as bold, creative or exciting as I am today if it was not for my mother.

 I was left and cheated on 3 times. I am not saying I was not part of the reason, I am sure in a man’s perspective I was.
Husband at 19, two kids, I was tired , he was a truck driver away several weeks at a time. He had issues on the road. One was cheating. I was a nag, when he got home, young young new mother. He was 10 years older. I now have a stable mature relationship with my children’s father. We both had growing up to do. Second man, took on a instant family, stress of Vancouver teen boys..he ran him off, with his walnut size mini balls and OCD tendencies with him.
Third..I was never his...he was never mine. A few men I dated were still hung up on their X’s- I was the counsellor, the stronghold. I think we attract things when we feel we are not worthy. A season, A meantime..or A Lifetime.

Sex for me is emotional, so I can never have one night stands, I am not a easy lay.. I have to feel something and feel I am of worth and value. I am gullible, and sometimes confuse real feelings with lust, and am left with being the object of desire, then rather the quality person to acquire.

 If there are periods of stress in work, home life or the relationship, I will retreat because I have fear. I remember my last 3 year relationship, and him telling me there was not enough sex. This had to do with, leaving work-uprooting my little dog, duffel bag at 11pm and going to his rat hole of a basement, and then I was supposed to be all sexy and caring? After chasing a crazy man trying to wipe his ass all night in a group home? I compromised allot for this man, and I did not feel it was equal..the relationship dwindled and died.

 It is important to talk.  For me communication is key, and if I really love you , most times my stress can be taken away very quickly.  Some times I bring shit home, I mean who doesn't? laughter is a quick cure, as well as funny and silly. I've realized recently, this requires a mature real man..someone who has already gone threw kids, work..marriage.. someone who views life now as ...every day counts. The key is to find this, but also find someone youthful in appearance health and stamina..whew..it is slim pickings!

Sometimes just not talking at all, is good, and if you can do this and enjoy the presence of someone knowing you don't have to say anything at all-that is the slice of life.

I have always been in love with the idea of love, so working on adventures and things attract me. I love learning new things, so intelligent men are always more attractive to me than looks.  I have to say I still have abandonment issues, trust issues and insecurities- but I will say this, It has taken me two years to work on it and I have allot to give to the right person, it is now a question of if they are right for me.

Being in a relationship with me is hard. I expect allot of attention, and patience.  If I had a man who said, "you never have to work again". I would go crazy. He'd come home and his yard would be up rooted because I would have created some sort of farm or community garden. I am tired of my career it is true, but I will never be the women who just cooks n cleans. I will be the one who is creating.

I like myself, I am OK and happy when on my own, I can provide for myself. I can solve any problem.I do well in times of crisis.

So, I will not wait for your call, I have things to do..Like friends, dragon boating and all the little awesome projects I have started. I will see you thou, and I have a keen sense of detective. Any bullshit , or fear of bullshit, you will find yourself without me.

I think relationships should have transparency.  It is like a job. If you communicate on a constant basis you should have no fear, issues of trust issues. Your partner would want to share everything and the things you have for yourself, your partner should be proud-because it’s who you are.

Your relationship would be like a best friend. I tell people I want to get married. I do, for me..I have so many reasons why this is important. My mom and dad had 4 kids and never got married. I never really knew what a wedding and vows meant until I worked as a manager in a bridal store and had to quit because it was all just too romantic for me. I got married in a suit dress, and laughed a nervous laugh because I knew it was not right.

Asking for me to be a life partner and asking for my kids blessings is a symbol of I will always be here for you. For me a marriage is not about the dress the party and the massive expense of something that can impact your retirement plan, it is the respect and promise to love, protect and care for each other.
There was never promise in my life- it was you are on your own, nothing in this world is easy. I moved out at age 14, or something like that anyway.

When I am with someone I care about, whether it is a friend, or a person I am dating I give 110%.I can now say, I gave something to these people, and I know I did..loll I currently have 4 boyfriends who check in on a regular basis.
I expect the same. Relationships are work. It is similar to my my career, I have had people say, “can’t you just play Hookie today” Well my career is not a retail store, its years of work, trust and building relationships to help people have the fullest of life. I will often say I am tired, and cancel several events,
People never really understand, and that’s OK. It would be nice to know I don't have to go to work, trust me.

I am often insecure of my speech and writing. I did not have a full education till much later and I had much slang in my speech.  Old habits are hard to break. I was in a long relationship where I was continually corrected, I remember at a dinner I said I was knitting a Afghanistan, I meant Afghan of course. I was made to feel stupid and belittled, I am quite intelligent, but sometimes the process doesn’t come out the way I want it to.  I often think faster than I write, hence my spelling errors.

I am constantly educating myself and trying new things, I would hope that my next partner in life would cherish that I am unique in this regard.  I am the best critic of myself and sometimes I criticise myself when I should not. Other times I am over confident- this is called, balance. My new partner will also be continually growing.

The man who see’s me:

This person will value who I am and will take their time to get to know me.  I will want to be spectacular when I am with them all the time. I will want to change my work schedule, be attractive and in perfect health, because they inspire me to . They will have new things to share with me, I will be learning. They will want to share everything! Because they are excited to.
They will put themselves into my life and I theres, meaning we will find a way to make it work. It's not rocket science.
They are also a humanitarian, have a love for all animals people and the world. They will have their own carbon footprint in which ever way they do it. They will try to live in this world with the intend on helping the planet. World travel and people will override sports, television.They think on their feet, like adventure. They have good past relationships and mend old baggage.
They are by nature a protector, provider and romantic with a little bit of devil. They will try new things, food and other things. They are not shy , they are real. They see beauty in the senior, disabilities and have some sort of spiritual belief- whatever that is to them.
They are creative. Articulate, humour is a must. They are not stressed about the little things.
They are loving..meaning..touching, kissing..I am their world and they are mine. Life is short-make it count so to speak. They wont hesitate to create a new adventure..a tent in the living room...
 
And Miscellaneous.... crap
 
They say it is not wise to tell everything at once. I have been told I get over excited and tell to much..lol My life is on here , just read deeper.
 
The truth is I want someone who is interested to know.  Any man that can harness and capture a bold women is truly a man, not a boy. The truth of the matter is, a person could read my entire blog..could be with me a full year, and still would not be able to say "Oh Come On, I know you"
I change all the time, there is no way one could. My family quite often says that..and I think privately to myself.."But do you?"
 
There are very few that walk the planet that know me fully, my emotions , my mannerism and my thinking..most do not know everything I have done(that will be in the book)
As far as domestic living I would have to say my young son knows me best, threw hardships and amazing times in my life. However even during gaps in my life, he wouldn't even know me fully.
 
The exciting part is is I will share it with someone someday.
 
I was inspired to write a little after reading a revised extended profile.
 
When you know you are out of the running:
 
When you start to talk about your past sexual experiences. When you start to ask  my sexual preferences. When you do not value me as a lady. I do have a wild streak and I am quite adventurous, but that is for my partner- I am a serial monogamist. Most discussions are humorous somewhat enhanced stories for my blog, in regards to sex talk, most times its not even about me!
When you start to text and only text. If you are not keen to call pretty quick-adios amigos.
 
I am not interested in having a text relationship. real time is my motto, unless working or out of town. When we agree to meet and you are over 15 mins late, have a screen saver of your X girlfriend or some other racy photo. I' m only gonna meet you once, so if you want to see me again, best to ask, make a good impression. I wont be losing sleep if you never appear again.
 
It's one meeting. If I am impressed with you already, I might surprise you-this is not my ploy into marriage, having babies or moving in. My life is in  my own space- it would have to be a long discussed process for me to pick up and and change my life for you. However there are few WOW
men that have given me thougth's of it. I am not disclosing any names here by one lives in the kootneys and one on a island.
 
I have to be honest here, there is no car salesman I ever see a future with. One that is in a risky market and not established. In times of trouble, I have changed like a camillion, changing my colors to meet my needs, adding to the new skill pot. I can now happily say I have about 8 professions.
I rather hate car salesmen, I took the coarse to sell cars a long time ago. It is not the person, it is the profession-and it just goes against everything I believe in.
 
I have 3 males friends who are in this profession. I will not date you.Someone does have to sell cars, but it wont be my man. I think that is the only profession that really leaves a bad taste. boats, tents n trailers..not car salesmen. health products, clothing ..just about everything else works.
 
You are mentally unstable to meet,you thought you were ready but you are not, ..that speaks for itself doesn't it?
 
I hope you enjoyed my extended profile..I know there have been some keen readers on POF
Happy Long Weekend
GVixen Signing off
 

May 12, 2013

Weekend Work

Sometimes I find work on weekends. Work for me, comes in the form of freelance make-up work, caregiver casual jobs, cleaning..fitness programs for youth with disabilities. I am quite resourceful actually. Some of the patterns of part time work really need to stop. It can't be about money anymore.

This weekend I was off to Nanaimo, to do Prom makeup for a friends daughter. I rushed from work to make the 3 pm ferry, I missed it. I was stuck at Horse Shoe Bay for 1.5 hours. I walked around the little village  The cutest thing I saw was a couple, just married. The Bride had a full gown on, and the groom a Tux. They were on a bench alone, eating burgers. laughing , smiling..my cell was dead so I couldn't even ask for a picture.
Most times I enjoy the ferry ride.

This weekend was incredibly over crowded. I sat by the corner window, with my new book and would occasionally people watch. It doesn't matter where I go I always meet one person. I was sitting with a lovely world traveler of about the age of 60. I made a random comment, "you know you are old, when you realize, your makeup suitcase is difficult to pull" She laughed and offered to watch my items if I wanted to do "A walkabout" I think she was South African.

I did go on a walk about,  I saw the married couple on the sun deck, holding each other. I had a small vision that they probably had met on the ferry originally. I thought it was incredibly romantic.
I went to the gift store to look for the wooden rings, non in stock.  I made my way back to my area.

I recognized a man, who looked at me..and discreetly got up from his seat.
A few seconds later, a lady with two kids went to that spot and said, "I guess daddy went to get our drinks"
The man cautiously came back glancing at me again. Turning his head to avoid my stare. I realized I was starring and tried to go back to my book. Then it hit me. This man was on POF, and had asked me out, he had a completely false identity. I bore a hard stare at his head. (ASSHOLE) I then saw him say something about noise and him and his family moved to another area. I could not believe it.

A man was sitting across from where I am sitting, he is in the cafeteria side, bobbing his head to his earphones. He looked about age 45, had two large water bottles beside him, shorts. He looked like he just biked on the ferry or something. He smiles, comes and sits 4 seats away, As he gets up, he has quadruplets in his belly.

Well at least hes trying to be healthy, I thought! As the ferry docks, we all move like cattle to the area to depart.
The man..follows sits on a bench, pulls out his cigarette pack, tears off the top, starts picking his teeth, after each pick, he spits into the area with people. So much for thinking the man is trying to get healthy, on that one.

A Filipino man, who clearly had trouble with his 3 small boys is now standing by me. The one just screams, "ehhh" pointing to the vending machine. We are about to depart and the brat wants a large chocolate bar. I look at the man and say don't give in, with a smile. The brat punches the machine  yelling 'Ehhhhh" I looked at the little fat boy and said, "no baby, you are going home, daddy has no money".. the dad tries for a second, and then the brat screams, "Ehhhh!!!!!!!!"
The dad is looking for change in his wallet " I am thinking,  "are you fucking kidding me?" I say to the man, "hey we can all handle a little screaming don't worry about it", The older man in front of me, clearly disturbed by the previous behaviors we all saw on the whole duration of the ferry rife, says, "speak for yourself!"

I am disappointed the man gets him a chocolate bar, no thank you, the kid (age 3) runs buy the window and eats the whole thing in 5 minutes , then runs back to the machine. The brat throws the wrapper on the floor.
Thank God, we are moving to get off the ferry.

Just as we do, The Chef of the kitchen comes out and says, " Hi Folks, I am going to have to get you to move away from this line, sorry for the inconvenience !" Then he says, " Any Canuck fans here?" No one says a word..lol,  The Chef then says, " So what's the differences from a cigarette machine and the Canucks?"
"You can always find Players in there! Ba bunt ba, thanks for riding BC Ferry's always a pleasure!"

The best part was at the end, with the tall thin man, in the tan uniform with a knuckle toe in the front, a fat gold chain and Tom Sellek mustache.

The actual trip to see my friends was heaven. I was able to sleep with the window wide open and only hear the frogs and owls hooting and the frog songs. What I would give to live there. and sleep with fresh air into my bedroom and not have to worry. The spare room has a tall window overlooking the street, there is a telescope to use. It is the perfect writers space. The daughters room is a loft..with amazing windows, I used to stay in there.

During the time I wasn't doing make up, I was wrapped in blankets with the starry sky peeping in through the window wrapped up in my book of Holly, Jen and Amanda in Peru doing the Inca Trail in Peru. Sigh..

I know in my heart I need to make the dream of the life style I want and envision, very soon.

The last night the girls and I watched PS I LOVE YOU, the movie. The Irish men are incredible sexy, and once again I found myself bawling my eyes out. This time watching the movie it wasn't the incredible love letters that made me weep, it was the scene where  the star has a bunch of billboards made of what she is going to do with her life after mourning the death of her husband..
Superhero, Spy...Designer....

This is exactly how I feel! I do not know what my next step is going to look like in life and it scares the shit out of me, because I have to take risks and plunge into to it. I know its possible, a friend of mine is doing it right now.

I think the most difficult thing for me right now is going to my friends houses. They have houses with yards, garden sheds n tools, patio furniture and are planning their next trip. I feel like I am living like a 20 year old ready to pack up my shit hole and throw it in storage and leave, and really have no god dam direction in life.

On the way to the parking lot with my friends, I realized I could not find my keys, my two friends had left, the other two off to Vegas  and my cell was dead. I ended up in the park aide for 30 mins unloading my entire suitcase. I found them, but then as I started to drive out a song came on. Today is the day my father died, one year ago, it was also Mothers Day and my sons had not called, sent flowers or a card, and most times do not even acknowledged all the gifts I gave them in life, not for the last 8 years anyway. I had a full melt down, crying so hard I could hardly see the road. I hate today.

I think I am overly over sensitive this week, I mean I have been home for 4 hours and I want to rip my goddamn hair out with the fucking kid upstairs screaming and running and yelling and banging. I have worked elementary schools that don't have children such as this. I need to find a roommate and move to North Van.
That's it- I'm so done. My oldest son, texted he loved me, then called. I felt a little better. I talked to two guy friends, and felt even more relieved that I will be ok.

So I started looking for places for rent, this is a Sunday event, not much there, however I did find a rather delusional advertisement on Kijjii that I thought Id play with it and wrote her.

Her Ad:


Date Listed 11-May-13
Price $700.00
Pet Friendly Yes
I'm looking for a home for myself female mid 30's and my lovely 6 year old British bulldog. We are long term residence in the right place.
We would like a bright spacious apt with high ceilings and proper sound proofing. A full Bathroom, Laundry and Cable, Heat, Hydro and Parking included.
Ideally a garden suite in a neighborhood near a Yyoga studio. These studios are located in the High gate Burnaby, Lynn valley North Vancouver, Kits, Downtown areas. I work in Film and Television. When working I have my dog in dog care. She rarely stays home alone. I am flexible with rental fees for the right place.
I am a respectable, peaceful and quiet tenant.
I don't drink and do enjoy one or two cigs at the end of my day outside . I am looking for a landlord that is respectful, and peaceful.
Please contact the connecting address if you have a place that fits.
Thank you
Namaste

My Response:

Not asking for much hey? How about a 6 foot ceiling, 4 foot in the shower, 2 bedroom, Asian tub, 3 foot length and 2 foot width. Ant infested, Bollywood tenants upstairs for 700? No laundry, own carport and garden. Friendly RAT Neighborhood.
No dishwasher. 5 mins to YYOGA. Cute interior, two kitchen windows open, however the entire place has 6 windows making it fairly bright. Private entry. Water enhancing sounds during toileting and showering.
Pet friendly ..of coarse. The neighbors are pigeon breeding, and they frequently come to say Hi and lay shit on my BBQ.
Ok, I'm sorry your ad is just somewhat highly un realistic, have you considered a roommate  because typically what you are asking for is $1400 minimum  and currently their have not been anything you described for 4 yrs, because I have been looking. Best of luck.

I often look up writers spaces and how I could create a space, thus far mine is quite dismal, this also has to change, found some neat looking ones this week:



Below are offices that are very unique in far away places, great spaces!



In a quiet forest in the Netherlands, a not-so-ordinary stack of logs houses a private workspace and recording studio for composer Hans Liberg.  Thanks to a creative design by Piet Hein Eek, Liberg can work peacefully amongst the flora and fauna without being detected.  Think of it like an elaborate hunting blind, but Liberg’s weapon of choice is a keyboard and creativity.  We can’t imagine a more serene work environment.
Pardon the pun, but this Treehouse Office by Peter Frazier takes forest working to new heights.  This office is perched in a canopy of trees overlooking a valley near Bellingham, Washington.  Not only is this office great for working, it’s large enough to act as a weekend cabin for personal retreats.  The balcony deck looks like the ideal place to enjoy an after-work glass of wine and perhaps a good book.

The Spanish architecture firm Selgas Cano has designed for itself a truly remarkable office in the forest.  This amazing work space is placed slightly below the ground level with an arched glass wall that extends from one end of the building to another.  It provides a panoramic view of the nature around it, where plants and animals go about their day as the architects within create their next work.  it leaves us with only one question– are they hiring?


And so...My search continues.
Well this was my weekend
BTW,  Paulo V, Fuck off with my spelling errors, I'm not in the mood.
GVix Signing off