Jun 20, 2015

Old Patterns

There is nothing worst than feeling like you've been in a uncomfortable place that you once were in past. I guess this happened after receiving a email that gave me some closure in the last 24hrs.

I truly believe that we are the creators of our own destiny, and things do not happen by luck or chance. We put ourselves in the places that are either good or bad. As we grow older we become wiser, and you learn from your experiences or you don't and you keep going around in the same circle.

I'd like to say, I have grown huge as a person, and can go with my instincts now. It is very difficult to recognize old pattern sometimes. Due to being hurt or years have past. remember that old saying
"you only remember the good, not the bad" Sure you can do that if it helps...lol

Or you can remember the hell you went threw and the tears you wasted or time you wasted on a certain thing and you can become stronger and look at how you did or did not benefit from that situation.
The important thing is to look at it or that situation, and ask yourself "how did I get there?"

If you do not feel you are worthy inside, you will attract someone that is not worthy of you ,  or for you, or a career that does not value your worth, or a living situation that does not encompass all your value.
When you have a poor self image of yourself, you attract insecure people into your life, so you can mask your own insecurities. This is not the case for me anymore, however it was many times in past.

Unfortunately for me, after reading the book, "why men love bitches" I realized I fell into the nice girl category. I had recently done the same dumb mistakes in a short lived relationship- I was played by the,  single dad syndrome, newly separated she took everything, sexless marriage bullshit.

I only had myself to blame, in the scope of things. I was not seeing what it really was.
So in the realm of getting over that bullshit and caring on with my life, there was someone who found me, I am not sure if it is necessarily a romantic type of relationship, but I do know this.

He likes everything about me, just as it is. He is 100% cell free, TV free and totally focused on having conversations with me. He is a peer that I value, and respect,  an extreme athlete. I am learning something new every time I am around this person. There is zero drama, no x girlfriends, crazy friendships,, work stress or financial baggage. This person is not interested in the drama of other peoples lives, or whats going on in them if it concerns negativity. His social time is jam sessions, family orientated events and community events, their are no drinking binges or random people stopping by..his life is simple and easy.

So this person felt that I was someone he wanted to know-and seeked me out. This is something new.
These are the type of people I want in my life. This may mean ending some friendships. I went to a few friend gatherings this month, and left early and felt the evening was completey unsatisfactory and a complete waste of my time. I went on some good ones too, that will be part of my future.

I think that the more I hang out with this person my test of will,  will be met. Challenges are what I need in many areas, of the mind, fitness and career choice.

There were 3 relationships that entered my life recently, the player, the User and the Samaritan.
The player is a dear friend of mine and is living the life of a 20 yr old. I have a hard time wrapping my head around this person because I see a incredibly beautiful person, that is trapped in their own self sabotage.  I have a few friends I call players, they are all seeking a greater purpose, but never really get there- for fear of something else. The user is someone that takes and takes until all your mental capacity is gone. I have deleted this person. The Samaritan is the person I mentioned above.

So in the coarse of 24 hrs I have taken a hard look at my behaviors and what attracts what, and also where I want to be. I know I have chosen the right path so far, and I'm sticking to it. The behaviors however- this I need work on, because what it has caused in myself, is mistrust, and hurt. So there is a huge wall. I am almost scared to be the person I am. I am scared to be the affectionate caregiver personality I am, or rather gullible is what people have said in past. I trust no one, this is not very good.:(

I could say, I have no control over the situations in my life, but we do!!! and this is the hard part for me to learn.- but then it goes back to the beginning, why am I allowing myself to be put in these situations? and how do I stop it?

I really don't know.

I do know that sitting on his sofa watching my ass grow larger and worrying about it, is no way to be.
so I've shut off my cell and have decided I need to go run. I climb a very large mountain tomorrow.
Challenges..life's great purpose.

Gvix Signing off