Aug 15, 2013

Hormonal Dysfunction Crisis

I watched two movies the other night, one was wanderlust, a couple joins a commune and believes in free love, Jennifer Aniston sleeps with a partner first, and the other guy(guy from the hangover) just botches his chances all to hell, and then realizes he can't do it, he just loves his wife to much..the movie was so funny I was actually laughing out loud alone, especially the part where he is gearing up to sleep with a women on the commune and he says " I'm going to take my large testicle and slam it in the vag, vag here I come.." he goes on and on..I busted a gut. The second movie was  a love story, two young adults..dam should not have watched that movie! It had the first petting session, make out session..and it was rather hot, and I thought Jesus Christ, when was the last time I actually felt like that? it was like a dam hour of torture till they fucked, and then it was shit, cause they were virgins..dam it. I want that again..kisses like strawberries and biting and pawing and buildup...and then the animal ...

The truth is I have adapted some habits that are very hard to break right now...
like my routine. wake, java, healthy breakfast, work gym,,walk dog, sleep
its like I am fighting for my ultimate health, and putting on a skirt and makeup seems like a horrible tedious chore.then there is the time factor..what about my good book? my writing? networking..ugh.

Did I mention I had possibly the most humiliating experience of my life the other day? my boss saw my titty.
This is not just any boss, this is captain of the fire department, head of a community..omg I wanted to die.
So we are sitting side by side at our desks. He says "Did you take pictures of that last scene you did" "I can't find them" I said, "Oh yeah, sorry I forgot the camera they are on my phone"(that part was humiliating enough, that I forgot the professional camera) he said," that's OK, can I just plug it here and get them?", I said." yeah".

forgetting as a joke, I sent the titty shot to a friend, to cheer them up
My boss is flicking threw and then yells, :WOE TITTY, TITTY..
I whipped around so quick I still have whiplash, omg omg..I kept repeating, my boob..then he goes, OH that's yours!! HAHAH..I can never take it back and I can never fix it, and I kinda am blushing of humiliating now when I even talk about it. The worst part is knowing his beautiful wife probably knows my titty shot was on my cell. god dam I am a idiot. or human.

I will never forget training for Bio hazard, it was very hot every day, probably because we were in a room with the dam 2013 firefighters calender. All were very awesome men, most married-that was a total relief for day there were two in the elevator and me and my partner..its was so uncomfortable in there I could have died, the worst part is one actually flirted. I have never actually gone for overly hot men, must be my own personal insecurities..I always thought I was too much of a dirty hippy under neath to take it into real consideration.

There is one firefighter I have grown to really enjoy working with. The thing is when a firefighter comes to a scene, it doesn't really matter if they have never been trained in what you are doing, they are trained in general to handle any situation, therefore, when one comes on site-it is the ultimate respect. My dad would be proud.  This firefighter says commentary while working, it is very funny and positive. "I feel good about this kid"s, |rip the dam floor apart, see guys this is a very positive experience", as he curses "dam this is nasty", and spits in his, but he goes on and on, "see guys. progress I see high hopes in this environment", "make it work kids, come on haul ass, lets get er done", and then when finished he always says something sweet.
"Go take your suit off girl, don't want you to overheat",:can I get you a water? is there anything else I can do for you"

It is only recently I have moments of incredible "horny" ,has nothing to do with working with overly attractive men.  its like this wave of this normal? I mean really at my age is this common?Most women it takes petting and so forth to get to that, I am just wondering why I have this, and then other times, nothing. So watching the movie did not give me any rewards for that matter, just sadness that I will probably never have that virginal youthful experience again. shitty.

The only action I have received is via text. A super hot rock star that makes me weak at the knees, been friends with for over 10 years, and has a incredible women by his side who believes in open relationships, I don't, shitty. I received the best text today: Kiss Me, I do have amazing dreams about this rock star..he is quite unique looking..huge Buddha lips like they would swallow my face. His companion is absolutely gorgeous, blond, petite, personable and incredible unique. I don't really get it, I could never share..
yet he writes me every day to make sure I am okay and my day is swell.

A Man I dated a long time ago who is co living with someone who I have re connected with, he is great for self esteem, he saved my life once. Don't know what its all about yet.

A American, who might actually turn into something, scheduled for Florida, however we have not spoken, only via texts in last month. The talks we do have I feel incredibly connected.

Its all very lame and unproductive to any real progress in  my future.

So what is all this shit about? from the 2nd glass of wine I am drinking? or am I actually ready?
I have no idea..and the quote below is something I follow greatly..still you cant help but wonder why these people are in your life and what it is all about right?

I leave you with the quote
GVix Signing off

First become alone.
First start enjoying yourself.
First love yourself.
First become so authentically happy
that if nobody comes it doesn’t matter;
you are full, overflowing.
If nobody knocks at your door
it is perfectly okay —
YOU are not missing.
You are not waiting for somebody to come
and knock at the door.
You are at home.
If somebody comes, good, beautiful.
If nobody comes,
that too is beautiful and good.

THEN move into relationship.
Now you move like a master,
not like a beggar.
Now you move like an emperor,
not like a beggar.
And the person who has lived
in his aloneness
will always be attracted to another person
who is also living his aloneness beautifully,
because the same attracts the same.
When two masters meet —
masters of their being,
of their aloneness —
happiness is not just added,
it is multiplied.

It becomes a tremendous
Phenomenon of celebration.
And they don’t exploit,
they share.
They don’t use each other.
Rather, on the contrary,
they both become one and
enjoy the existence that
surrounds them.

Aug 14, 2013

Spring Clean Up

A great Monk once told me, when  a person can truly understand death, they will understand Life..they will die with no pain, no suffering. This apparently means bliss. Recently I have seen death, the actual procedures the body goes threw when the body shuts down, I am still understanding this.

Sunshine Cleaners-watch it

So I clean it. I take pride in the task, and  I have to admit today was a little shocking to view at first. It is always quite interesting when the person in charge says, "here is the key, and gives a description of the maze in the building that I am apparently supposed to find. Clean the mess and voila, nothing happened. But it did.

There is that awkward moment when a looker passes and sees you. In a suit, with a mask, possibly caution tape.What are you? Do we have bed bugs? Hey are you the cops?."Hi,  Spring Cleaning, nothing to see" I was stopped in 7/11 today by two guards, "Trauma? you?" "That is one tough gig" I felt very proud.

Then there is the actual loss of death, which I have felt twice in the last two years. I think this is much worse.
Because you knew the person and  it was real to you.
Id like to believe that the two people I loved that passed away had piece and bliss in their passing.

Today my dog growled at me. I called her and tried to get her to come to me and she stood her ground and growled. I said to her" Did I bring someone home with me? or do I stink?" She barked twice which means , yes and yes. I said loud;y in the shower just to be safe, "Look I cant fix your problems, I have my own, so get the fuck out"It's true, my dog sees dead people.

I called my dog when I got out and she was happy to see me. I texted my boss, who is the most amazing man I have ever met, and I said "I can't feel my legs"

He laughed.

I think I have had far too much happen in the last two years. Simply in terms, bullshit. I have learned that every day is what you make of it, and my boss has made it very clear that I can take this career where I want it to go, in a little or allot.

In my new career I am challenged beyond belief..its rewarding. Today I was at one place directing a crew, then went to a emergency call by a client who after our short consultation felt that I could give her a new start on life. The exciting part, was how they discussed sources of care with me afterward. This is  a project I am launching with Victim Services, which will teach an assortment of classes and services. I will be giving talks, doing media and learning along the way, exciting stuff!

After my 12 hr day
 I had a cry session.  Great things are happening in my life. It was one of those over exhausted uncontrollably cry. I am assuming its healthy.

I cannot fix the behavior of others in my life, I can only move forward and control my behavior on how I see things. I had a conversation with a fairly new friend, it brought up some un resolved issues.
Like my grandson, my I had been thinking about that. Missing my family and even with all the unresolved issues.

We discussed the  issue that in fact I need to move, the noise is overpowering. The stink and hoarding on the upper deck is infuriating..but where do I go? The.constant harassment by a company I work for..I resigned, yet I received a letter to recant my decision??Then my union called stating that resigning will not help my past arbitration dealings and I should go back to work and fight it. The truth is, I have never had grief from the five unions I had been casually employed by, I am sick of feeling sick and distressed because they cant handle me standing up for myself. Do I have the will power to fight after 10 years? I don't think so, I think it will bring new stress to my new life.

To fix it all seems impossible and overwhelming, its like a hoarder with shit that needs to be un loaded.
I am now working 12 hour days, and at the end, I fall asleep..the day goes by very fast and I feel rewarded.

We all have our baggage I suppose. I am learning to really enjoy little things. Tonight having wine, looking at the stars I see a little skunk go over to my neighbors car area. The neighbors came out to go to there vehicle, so I said, "there is a little skunk by your car" The daughter of the Asian family quickly tells her parents because she does have to put the baby in the car. The mother, comes out and says|Oh I talk to them, hello? hello" The daughter says, mother the skunk is not going to respond! " The elderly Asian women says, in our country all animals hear like we do"

I for some reason felt blessed to witness this event. I could not help but smile, The women said thank you.
and I said good night .

And this is me signing off