Spring Clean Up

A great Monk once told me, when  a person can truly understand death, they will understand Life..they will die with no pain, no suffering. This apparently means bliss. Recently I have seen death, the actual procedures the body goes threw when the body shuts down, I am still understanding this.

Sunshine Cleaners-watch it

So I clean it. I take pride in the task, and  I have to admit today was a little shocking to view at first. It is always quite interesting when the person in charge says, "here is the key, and gives a description of the maze in the building that I am apparently supposed to find. Clean the mess and voila, nothing happened. But it did.

There is that awkward moment when a looker passes and sees you. In a suit, with a mask, possibly caution tape.What are you? Do we have bed bugs? Hey are you the cops?."Hi,  Spring Cleaning, nothing to see" I was stopped in 7/11 today by two guards, "Trauma? you?" "That is one tough gig" I felt very proud.

Then there is the actual loss of death, which I have felt twice in the last two years. I think this is much worse.
Because you knew the person and  it was real to you.
Id like to believe that the two people I loved that passed away had piece and bliss in their passing.

Today my dog growled at me. I called her and tried to get her to come to me and she stood her ground and growled. I said to her" Did I bring someone home with me? or do I stink?" She barked twice which means , yes and yes. I said loud;y in the shower just to be safe, "Look I cant fix your problems, I have my own, so get the fuck out"It's true, my dog sees dead people.

I called my dog when I got out and she was happy to see me. I texted my boss, who is the most amazing man I have ever met, and I said "I can't feel my legs"

He laughed.

I think I have had far too much happen in the last two years. Simply in terms, bullshit. I have learned that every day is what you make of it, and my boss has made it very clear that I can take this career where I want it to go, in a little or allot.

In my new career I am challenged beyond belief..its rewarding. Today I was at one place directing a crew, then went to a emergency call by myself..to a client who after our short consultation felt that I could give her a new start on life. The exciting part, was how they discussed sources of care with me afterward. This is  a project I am launching with Victim Services, which will teach an assortment of classes and services. I will be giving talks, doing media and learning along the way, exciting stuff!

After my 12 hr day
 I had a cry session.  Great things are happening in my life. It was one of those over exhausted uncontrollably cry. I am assuming its healthy.

I cannot fix the behavior of others in my life, I can only move forward and control my behavior on how I see things. I had a conversation with a fairly new friend, it brought up some un resolved issues.
Like my grandson, my family..so I had been thinking about that. Missing my family and even with all the unresolved issues.

We discussed the  issue that in fact I need to move, the noise is overpowering. The stink and hoarding on the upper deck is infuriating..but where do I go? The.constant harassment by a company I work for..I resigned, yet I received a letter to recant my decision??Then my union called stating that resigning will not help my past arbitration dealings and I should go back to work and fight it. The truth is, I have never had grief from the five unions I had been casually employed by, I am sick of feeling sick and distressed because they cant handle me standing up for myself. Do I have the will power to fight after 10 years? I don't think so, I think it will bring new stress to my new life.

To fix it all seems impossible and overwhelming, its like a hoarder with shit that needs to be un loaded.
I am now working 12 hour days, and at the end, I fall asleep..the day goes by very fast and I feel rewarded.

We all have our baggage I suppose. I am learning to really enjoy little things. Tonight having wine, looking at the stars I see a little skunk go over to my neighbors car area. The neighbors came out to go to there vehicle, so I said, "there is a little skunk by your car" The daughter of the Asian family quickly tells her parents because she does have to put the baby in the car. The mother, comes out and says|Oh I talk to them, hello? hello" The daughter says, mother the skunk is not going to respond! " The elderly Asian women says, in our country all animals hear like we do"

I for some reason felt blessed to witness this event. I could not help but smile, The women said thank you.
and I said good night .

And this is me signing off


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