Dec 22, 2012

Dysfuntional Journal....Bah Hum Bug & Innocent Are We

I told a worker today a breathful of stuff, mostly situations that occurred when I was  a single parent, because the topic arose.  The women, gagged at one point, and went to the kitchen, then said "how did you keep working" I simply said, " I had too'. I explained that I do have immense moments of sadness. I seem to attract sadness and sorrow in my life for many years-but I keep functioning and moving forward- this year has been the hardest year of my life and I am thankful that it is almost over and I have a new handful of friends to carry into the new year that are positive seekers and very strong characters.

In the movie "Love Eat Pray" Julia Roberts is told for once just to clear her mind and forgive herself. In the movie I feel she has nothing to forgive herself for.
This is the eternal grief a person carries, when they have situations in their life they have no control over.

In the Philippines, a child tormented by a demon can mean as simple as a child that is teething. Something so simple is treated the same way as a serious curse.. To learn the techniques of clearing the clutter takes allot of dedication. I will start in my life here in Vancouver- However to go to a place where things are simple- not much communication and just learning the cultures is really  where I want to be.

My immense sorrow has hermitized me this Christmas unfortunately, I feel completely disconnected from my family. I feel that if something happened to me, Id have no one to help me. My sons are parting with friends, girlfriends and doing their own thing.  My sisters are celebrating a wedding and family time without me. My distant relatives are on vacation is either tropical or other areas of North America. I don not feel like being social or seeing the close friends I do have. I have no time to wallow in my sadness, as I am baking for group homes, friends and family and sewing of coarse. If I stop for a minute to think about all the hurt in my heart I think I would fall into a huge depression and not be able to get out of bed for a week.

A new friend of mine, displays quotes on face book all the time, and encourages me to stop thinking and  think of where I need to be. I will do this after the holidays. I have a new schedule for myself that starts on Dec 27th. I am quite excited about it and hope that I can stick to the plan. My first destination is India, I plan to leave for two weeks in March. I will do three months in China, this will be a 3-6month work contract. I have shortened this experience due to my companion, Sushi my little pug.
I will return to Canada for a year and then make my way on the 15 month trek, hopefully around most of the world.

We will be having a pre-Indian party at my friends , shortly after Christmas, the theme is Bollywood.  I am very excited to start in the new year we will be in Indian attire, Sari's. My friend however says he will get me a discounted pant suit on boxing day because the Sari's are difficult to put on. I know this because when I managed a fabric land in Surrey, with all Indian women-on Christmas one year I was given a traditional Sari, It was tradition that a group of kin women, dress the women. They start with washing the feet- It is quite a process and I was very honoured that these three ladies decided to dress me that year. One brushed my hair, another washed my feet and another did my nails and then they wrapped me first spraying me with sandalwood. The eldest said this is how we bond as women in our culture, It is a feeling of kindred spirit. This should be a part of the Canadian families and than maybe value of family would be looked at more closely.

The physics of the quest, the force of laws governed by the laws of gravity. The rule of the quest of physics goes something like this:

If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting whether this is your family or your home, to bitter old resentments. You plan to set out on a truth seeking journey either externally or internally or both.

If you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and accept everyone along the way as a teacher, If you are prepared to face some very difficult realities about yourself
then the truth will not be withheld  from you..

This is my journey about to begin.

It was a very hard day for me last week....at one point I utterly could not breath..
I was thinking of my own issues, dwelling on the thoughts of a massive bill I was received with-8K to be exact. I am not going to go into the issue of bankruptcy at this time, because after the half of bottle of wine..
I woke up. It was back to work.

As the world was talking about a issue in the states that I had no clue about, I was for the first time faced with a thing that happens in my career.I do work with adults with disabilities, and I work with children as well all over the lower mainland, sometimes 5 schools a week.

"I remember a caseworker strolling by that morning and he yelled, to me in passing:

"I see you have one of the sweetest ones" I was chasing, another, yet of many persons I serve.
This one was 5 years old, snot running down their face, huge smile and laughing so hard they almost tripped.
So much fun.

Little did I know a few hours later I would be faced with the most serious of issues. I really don't know how I got threw the day. In that hour, my life did not matter. Nothing in my life mattered...
The bills, the loneliness...time stopped in my life.

I remember a time, in a class long ago..I was studying the mind works of Ted Bundy, and many other psychopaths. I was studying on how the brain works. Later in training I was studying missing chromezones and what happens, hereditary disabilities and missing links-I was fascinated.

I wanted to find ways to create a simple, yet full  life for these people I serve. I was excited because I really made a difference. In the case of children. It is a completely different ball game.
You are one of many that come threw that door.

You must protect the innocent. When I started working with children, and a child with a disability was acting out- at first it was much easier, for me because I already knew the out come in adults- the steps to helping children with disabilities seemed so simple, and I am, a expect- I have to say.

I give credit to my years of hard work and I am clearly the specialist who walks into a school and takes on
the behaviors or developmental delay issues ..and I make results.

However when you are witness to abuse. This is a area I now know I am not equipped for. I have seen much abuse in adults, but so many people have paved the way by the time you get to the adult..teens to grow and learn ..
I guess, it starts with the first witness and the report...but trust me all you want to do is save.

I took it into my gut and took it home that night. I have seen a female, abused as a teen, turn to drugs then kill herself in a room. But when you have a child that does not understand, and is still learning..this people is horrible.

Poverty is horrible...starvation is horrible..abuse is horrible. As I work with children I reflex on how I was as a teen mother.I remember one specific time calling my parents and screaming I cant take it anymore come get him. They did, it was my eldest son with ADHD, and he would in my eyes destroyed everything.

Now as a trained person in disabilities I remember...He was taking apart items and putting them back together to see how they worked. He was asking many questions..I found this incredible annoying as a teen mother. Was I a bad parent? I remember food banks and starving and freaking out what I was going to do, and it was horrible. Was I a bad parent? or just UN educated?

All I see,  a 30 pound under weight child of 5 and a goose egg at the temple. Then a hour later jumping counting stairs laughing into my arms.
A child who has a breakdown when they go to the washroom. 

We must protect our children.

I realize, I cant save them...I can only make a call.

I think about the families at Christmas in the US who have lost, I think to myself..
It is us who needs to make a difference and start bring love into this world, to the stranger in the basic human nature. The world should be a family- a foolish thought I realize...but I will try to treat every human being I meet as one.

"Little Angels"

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above
We mortals sometime question the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with, the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world, seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to his fold.
So He picks a rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them, and so He takes but few
To make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult, still somehow we must try.
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "Goodbye"
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind,
Must realize God loves children
"Angels are hard to find".
written by a friend on FB

I am done with sorrow, this  can be in the form of the media or my own sorrow. Sometimes for me this means cutting myself off from the world, I have done this in small forms-like cut my cable for the summer, close facebook..

I felt more alone than ever. If you tell people you are taking time for yourself then they distant themselves as well, when really I want people close to me. My new schedule will bring this into a different light.
The presence will be in different form.

I think about these things when small crap enters my life.  I lost a friend last week, over adding a person on FB, seriously??fought with a family member this week, over nothing, was ready to walk out of one of the companies I work for yesterday, was angry driving in the weather...It is all such stupid things to be upset about, and yet at the time-I cred I was so stressed. I will not shed another tear on fucked up crap.

As I watch Love Eat Pray and see Kutut, a toothless man, under weight, probably had demons all his life due to his teeth, is smiling and happy and tells Julia- You will lose all your money.
If you lost all your money, what would you do? If your home was crumbled, what would you do?

I just was baking and reflection on so many upheavals this week, and also more importantly how I am thankful I slept 15 hrs last night and today.

GVix
Signing off

"Just sit in the dam garden and still your mind and let it be and see what the hell happens-open your heart and send me a goddamn sign sign."" Groceries, if you just clear your mind with that clutter, and crap, you'd have a huge hole for love to come in and the universe will be like a vacuum!" "but I miss him"
"So you miss him, who cares- you fell in love, send him love and light and close it" Be done with it, open your heart for someone who comes at you like a storm" thrives your mind and values your sight.
Quotes from the move...Eat Pray Love

I have come to realize after living in the Indian sector of Vancouver that this community does get up at 4am- after complaining several times I finally just asked. This is the time for prayer and meditation and we cook also, I was told this is Indian time- Meditation? they don't have to worry about clearing the clutter at this time because who the fuck can think of any thought at 4am, other than get me the fuck back in bed.

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