Feb 8, 2013

Spring is in Vancouver

Today we reached 11 degrees In Vancouver, a bright sunny day. I ignored my workload, walked my dog on a long walk.. I thought allot. I then met a friend at Chai (East meets West) on Main street. Sultry Persian music played, babies with rosy cheeks, girlfriends chatting over tea, the smell of cinnamon..

As I listen to the life experience's of my friend, I felt I was missing a huge part in my life..Travel. This meet helped me re-focus and re invent my mission, no matter what.

I was feeling quite lost the last few months, My mum getting older, my little companion and thinking about what I would do if I lost her now. Sushi my fat butterball pug.

Finance..it seems like a hopeless thought. But really its not.  My friend just picked up and left, 3 years teaching diving in Maui at 21 years of age. Thailand long term treks..and when she was all said and done, she settled her goals on her own space..and re-building walls, revamping a vintage home and still manages to do fitness.

She has a smile on her face...it is like nothing can break her.

So even thou my friend has not been through what I have experienced, she had her own battles to face in life.  My battles seem way larger, and I am sure hers did too..but if you ask the universe I have learned, you do receive.

I came home and reviewed facebook to find everyone was on a new renewed state...raw food diet, kicking a 20 year smoking habit, no alcohol for a month...

Last night as I was getting ready for cocktails I was shocked to see my muffin top , and decided, to just put on a vest over my tank top to suck it in, I was more shocked to see the muffin top just hung out the sides of the vest and this outfit looked ridiculous.

I look like a healthy skinny attractive women, I am 5'2 I weigh 135..my weight is supposed to be 125. Therefore I have gained 10 pounds, this would be ok if it was muscle. I have never worried about my weight, I always had a high metabolism and for years tried to gain weight, even bought the mass up protein yuck shake. However when I got sick and my weight went to a 165lbs. I found out for me, a person with type 2 diabetes, this is a death sentence. I went to counselling and programs sponsored by Shoppers Drug mart and learned to manage my diabetes with food and exercise.

I can only resort to the main cause of my 10 pound weight gain..depression.
I can read my lows like a hawk..two weeks of dishes, piled dirty laundry.
After I came back from the little trip then went skiing..and felt wonderful..I really could not get out of bed.
I think the weight of life ..just made me think for awhile..India..China will never happen, so fuck it.

After I felt great in the snowy hills of Cypress Mountain, I said to myself.. this is not me..lets fucking fix it.
So I slept..and slept..I was planning on calling a few people to get together to discuss brain storming, when I got the call from my friend. I think just listening to someone else besides the worry in my head felt better.

The 270 letter, set me back...why did I open those emails. The  comment from my friend I miss so much..
and remembering the anger I had...as she does now.. really shook me up today.

I also noticed as I was getting ready last night, as I lifted my arms a bit of a swagger..

WTF is going on here?
The sure signs were a giveaway with my toxic ass on the weekend from eating food I am not used to and I probably fucked my liver for life, killed my lungs for another decade.

So I can relate with all the status updates, I really left my goals for the last month that is for sure.
I had to go for my yearly physical today, doc said, you look like your, not so gaunt, and your TB test is actually 3 yrs past, so I'm going to give you a new one, and the injections for India we should do today.

Last time I saw Dr Kim, I was riddled with stress..I was doing the hyperventilate crying thing.

I was like, really?

Dr Kim said, "You are going aren't you?" I said, "I don't know now". Dr Kim, is a beautiful female doctor, however she can be ..blunt when needed. I told her about my cleanse and the exploding ass. Then, I got the talking to.

Laura I said to stick to the diabetic diet and vitamins I prescribed nothing else, you want to detox you have to drink the water, do the yoga. take off the cloths. (This is with her accent)

Yes you cannot go to India actually, like this. You have lost muscle mass, extremely dehydrated and you need to be in top physical condition, are you not doing the exercise for the last month here?

I will give you the shots, but you should make a decision here. you do it or you do not. I test the sugar now.
I said no, "you do not want me to, because you know it is low"

It was , 345 and I had not even had breakfast yet, I stuffed my face so much over the weekend, I lost my appetite actually.

We won't talk about that, but for a 1 hour appointment, it was two hours. I had to stay..have a bunch of injections and then wait till my levels were at 4.

So I went home and cooked a head of cabbage with shrimp , spinach, lemon garlic and broccoli .
and farted the entire evening.

yup that's the shit I have to eat. its good n all..it just sucks sometimes. That's the hard truth right there, at least I cleared the physical..most of it, she refused to sign two forms till tests come back.

My friend, is probably the only person who knows exactly how I am feeling about my sex life and people that come into it , or may be a possibility.

So she asked of coarse..women do that. I told her my thoughts, I have absolutely no sex drive.
I met two males who floated my boat, one..met someone, the other is ending up like a fucking Guru.

My friend asked if I called the people I need to call and if I voiced baggage so to speak to clean my thought process. Hell no, Ive done nothing.

In the end she said what I didn't want to hear..but what I know is right.
You need to do these trips..because it is a goal and purpose you set yourself up for and if you don't do it you are failing yourself..again.

The people you want more closely in your life, want to see you achieve it..because they care more than you think. You will have a different take on things, those trips will change who you are.

Then you can move on with someone special to a different destination with a different perspective.

I am scared to death to go alone. Scared I wont have control.

"It's important to breath, and be calm" When diving, that is what it is all about" said my friend.

" I am not sure if you have ever known how to breath, Learn to breath. Once you do that, you will not have worry in your head,You will have a better sleep. You will be at peace."...once with Venice.

So I will take 10 breaths and a large glass of water.

Nite
GVixs Signing off

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