Feb 7, 2013

Letter 270

6:00AM
Robot: "This is the Vancouver School Board , calling for ...Laura VanGenne, "We have a substitute position available, to hear the job description press 1"

Laura can't move, arms, core n legs are not available..delete.

7:00, 8:00, 9:00..."Your mailbox is full, This is the Vancouver School Board, Special instructions are: We have a substitute position available: Hi Laura, this is Denise, you will be covering for me today, please follow ESL instructions for AM class, at noon you will be with my autistic boy teaching life skills in soccer" We hope you can make it!"
10AM
"Hi this Karen from Simon Frazer, we need your behavioral services at ____________house this evening, please call to confirm."
11AM
"Hi Laura we have a shift available, for 3-11, please call to confirm-you are our last resort.
12:00
Hi Laura,
(Howe Sound), "We need 24hr shifts for this weekend, we realize you are not orientated but you come highly recommended in behaviors, please call so we can set up a meet for today and have you work the shifts, Kristy"

1230, my phone is on. Wow what a great sleep. I am happy I can create my own schedule, and today its mine.

It has been 7 months since I decided to shut out the pain and loss of my father and all the drama that brought with it. I was randomly looking for a work email and saw 33 unread email messages in what I call the family folder inbox, in outlook, received several months ago. I had to think a minute if I wanted to review the un read messages and bring back the pain in my heart that destroyed family tides.

The book 365 letters came to a dead halt, after the girl went temporarily insane and decided that focusing on loss and pain right now was not going to get her very far in life, and so she shut off the book to a dead halt, for a time, and is currently living life to the fullest.

OMG, I am in two new work ventures, became kindred with 11 new women, and I faced my fears and I finally tried skiing on a mountain, and I loved it.

The loss of my father, created other loss in several ways, it was a chain reaction with my family.

I decided to look at the emails, I got to five..and realized that reviewing the hatred and poor taste would only cause gut rot for the day. I realized in those five emails, I was never asked a question, I was "told" that this is how it would be, It was like a fucking stoning in ancient times.

I took a day off and am methodically healing my sore body from Skiing, cleaning house and listening to the very healing music Special K gave me several months ago. I also realize I have been single now for 9 months, I am ok with that, for now.

I spoke to the Italian last night briefly and he said, "I will not be your best friend until you see the world", "I want you to see the world, Simple as that" I know in my heart that this statement is much larger than what it is. It is not that he is not my best friend already..He knows I am not healed and in order to be all that I can be..I need to SEE. I must write..and finish what I started.

We have agreed on Europe in 2014/15..that's if we are both still in the rat race of finding .

After doing some small research and seeing my mother very ill for a night, I lost perspective. What if my dog dies while away, what if my mom gets really sick..what if ..what if..
China was put off...Like everything else I do in life. I shortened it to 3 months..India is supposed to be Spring Break..not going to happen, Spring Break is here and I need to work to create funds.

There is no time limit on life, life does not wait.

The rest of the emails I left un read. fuck that for another decade. I decided after Christmas that to have a full life and love my life and myself is a better place to be. Only I know what my dad said to me in that cold November in 2011..and keep that alive in my heart and let the rest be.
The incredible bullshit that was brought on can stay buried, and I can love the family that accepts it, but I cant change the way people act, I cant bring the people to me.

It is me that has to go on, with myself.  The people that join my side and are in my life now are what matters.
I also cant change how my son's are, yes I miss them and am incredibly lonely, I can only hope they love me as much as I love them and will make real time for me one day.

You get to a point in life, where you say..."Holy shit I'm 40" I could die suddenly, I could run in front of a bus, I could get sick and not bounce back as quickly..therefore..
You should be doing everything you can to fulfill your life, for you, in the now.

Moving forward and hiding the shit in the pit of your stomach is not always wise..hope you didn't get that message, Doing things to improve your life and dealing with things in small ways are healthy- dwelling on things that can not be resolved causes cancer really. Stress that leads to cancer, Stress that leads to poor immune...same shit, different pile.

That was where my mind was after new years...If you don't like something, fucking change it.
I did. I changed it.

Now that I changed the direction..it is very scary and exciting all at once.

I have also accepted the term "Transient" I prefer Gypsy in old times..

Transient describes someone or something that is temporary or staying for a short amount of time. (adjective).

Gypsy
A member of a traveling people with dark skin and hair who speak Romany and traditionally live by seasonal work, itinerant trade, and...I have dark skin, I do not speak Romany, whatever it sound cooler.


Transient, I have friends that come and go..I have friends who are always there. I have people and professions that come in and out. I am temporally in one place for a time, typically its every 5 years. I quite often change appearance and direction. I have had so many experiences in my life now, I think it is a gift for me to write about. I rarely have a filter. There are also huge gaps in my memory due to situations that I found traumatic, as a child, teen..whichever. Either way..I do know that quite often people who have come into my life and met me quite often never forget me. That's a bonus. Sometimes I meet someone I have been talking to online and it feels like thy have known me my whole life- I have this effect on people, and I read people pretty well too-also a gift.

When I am tired, I have my own terminology. It is only because my brain hasn't caught up with my thoughts, I am ok with this also.

I think this is it for today..
GVix Signing off

PS: I am not receiving messages today

 
 
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2 comments:

  1. This one really resonated with me. I have decided to cut my dad out of my life - toxic relationship that has eaten away at my self esteem my entire life. I recently tried to reach out to him, to work through things, but he responded with a venomous email - complete gut rot as you described. I have cut the ties. I am sad to do so, but it's necessary. I am trying to live life with the same attitude as you. Live for the moment and enjoy the ride. You are an inspiration!

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  2. Pooky Butt, I know it's hard but, you only have one dad. You can's change that, you can't choose who your family is unfortunatly. You can decide what is best for you for a certain amount of time..Time heals. There are other ways to live your life trying to focas on the positive. Send a card now and again..
    send the festive gifts as usual. Keep it light if words upset you. Do not allow negative words or thought enter your world, shut it off before it happens. But if you lost your dad tommorrow.... how would you feel about that? There would be things you would have to deal with on top of the anger..regret..fear..feeling guilty.
    Your dad has a right to see his grand kids...
    In time..he will say he is sorry..one day he will say he is very proud of you and loves you more than life itself.
    You know he is proud of you-
    You know you are a amazing women! so if you need to say that-shout it, to him..to the world..
    You are in control of how things effect you, this is hard for me to accept about myself-I stuggle every day with it, but one thing I have learned...Is ..if I cut myself out..if I focas on the hurt...I lose. I lose the love I really want back in my heart.
    I was angry at my dad..I lost touch for 5 yrs..I went for a visit..I saw how he was very alone..The next year, he died..no one expected this. There is so much I wanted to say..so much I wanted to yell, scream..In the end..I only remembered all he did for me as a young girl...
    I love you very much pooky butt..and you have always been there for me..I am here for you now. Just call. xox
    I keep it simple and show that I do love family members in small ways..and time heals.
    But way too slow:(

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