I Really Love you...They Said.

What does that mean??? Is it the vows you take on your wedding day? Is it something you say everyday when you hang up the phone, like a routine? A common curtsy when you go to bed? something you blurt out after hot sex?
I really love you means;
You look at each other when you kiss…
You want to kiss forever..
When you have had a bad day, you asked the other person how their day is.
I really love you, means you work hard to keep that passion alive…things in this world get comfortable and taken for granted.
When you fight, you fight and make up and don't go to bed angry.
I really love you means…I would give up my world for you, if I had too.
I really love you means…you are my best friend and I correspond with you before anyone or anything else
I really Love you means…I support your dreams, and you mine, even when we are apart
And if you cant find your dream right now…you make a small one up…
you build a Moroccan tent in the living room and feed each other..what ever it takes
you are kind, and show it in simple ways..every day.
The couple who trains together, stays together....
You smile often
you respect the other person enough to know they will take care of joint partnership responsibilities 110% without you having to ask, meaning home, love, family finance...life
you sometimes do things you hate doing, but you do them because you want to see the other person happy.
You can fall asleep in each others arms..

There is the old vow "I will support you threw sickness and health" sure if your dying, or healthy?? but how does that apply if you are slowly dieing inside everyday? from stress, from work, from boredom at home...so your only supposed to care for your partner if they are sick and dying, or healthy? stupid vow if you ask me.
The vow should read " I will be your strength, your passion and your enlightenment everyday, in some small way, including during sickness and health"

As I have become more grounded..and remained single..with a few small relationships in between I reflect on relationships of the past and relationships in general..especially now that it is spring.

My marriage, I was too young and I was left alone allot. There is much more, however this is the main reason and there is not really much to reflect on, I had kids very young and had to grow up very quickly. My husband was never meant to be with me. I was not meant to be with him. Simple story and they are part of my life now..and that is really what its all about. This was family.

The love of my life was just after, a Jesus looking hippie tree planter...and I thought the city would bring me more with a fresh start. so after 3 years, I left. This was Passion.

The 7 year relationship, I had already worked far too many jobs and hours and was just plain tired. Had raised kids on my own and when a major car accident changed my life..I just was not the same. Angry bitter..resentful. I might say looking back, depressed.
I did not feel like working on the relationship any more with my dis satisfaction..on many levels..
so he left. In the end this was the right choice. This changed who I am today, This was a lesson.

I had a sailor who taught me new things for awhile and showed me new places and was kind.
This was a season. Gratitude.

I then dated my a best friend for a short time. This was comfort.

These are the five major relationships of my life-that had meaning. There is not one, that the above statements apply to, not fully.

But what I gained was: Family, Passion,A lesson, Gratitude in a Season, and Comfort.

A Reason, A Season, A Lesson Or a lifetime...
My past big 5's apply ..the lifetime is yet to come

Call it wisdom..age..not sure how to define it..I just know that my mindset is quite different from when I was 30....

The common phrase is "I just want to be happy" I think happiness starts with yourself. Then you have so much more to give someone else. When you are truly happy..everyone around you is happy.

For once in my entire life, I will consume my energy on me. I have given 20 years to serving others.
In the workforce, raising my kids and caring for people. What I mean is, , It  has always been my nature to be a caregiver and fulfill what I felt I was responsible for....my kids, my dog, my mother, my clients..a friend-In some form I have given out than given in, mentally or physically.
And I love care giving for everyone, all the time.

Now its time to take care of me in a extreme way. Financial, health and wellness, and even with Love..
If its there. Love nourishes the soul, as well as health and fitness, financial freedom gives you exactly that..freedom, stability for the very least.

Many of my friends are going threw separation or divorce or simply a break up...

As Special K( friend of mine) would say..

Then Move the fuck on...Life is too short not to laugh love and learn.

This is hard when you are going threw all the emotions..Its even harder when you feel like you met your soul mate and the timing is wrong...or its one sided. But think of it this way, if that's the case, maybe you put yourself in a situation blindly and did not have your eyes wide open. It happens, we should always listen to our inner voice. If its right it will be, or as the saying goes, "He's Just Not That Into You" another question...Are you being genuine to yourself? Look at that first. For one of my closest friends, she was not- and this led into heartbreak.

Personalty I think sometimes my inner voice can go fuck themselves. It is usually after the fact.
Like this past month. 

Marriages and Relationships are fucked up, no body wants to work anymore in the relationship. I need space I need a break. Well, I told my best friend I needed space for 6 months. The reason was for me to figure out what I am doing, and for him to fix his situation. It has been 4 months and basically its over. You cant teach a old dog new tricks. You cant change a person that is happy with who they are. The truth is I do love who they are. I just don't want a life partner with who they are.
That's hard shit to hear..and I have been on the receiving end as well. It sucks.

When you meet someone who is right for you, it just works out-nothing else matters..the world can carry on. I believe this happens, I really do.

Have you ever met someone where there was not a single thing you would change? There quirks and irritating habits become something you are accustomed to, you actually miss the ice cold feet on the side of your leg at night, you miss laughing hysterically because you felt a light wind on your backside. These are people in love, this is what it looks like. What some call faults, you call humor.

I can say this happened once with me. It is a nice feeling. The best part of that person is we cared to much about each other that when we did decide to separate it was more of a release than anything else, We remain friends today. I think deep down I knew he was a bible thumper..and that time I did listen to my inner voice.

There is allot of relationships in my life currently where I love both of the people in the relationship-
however they are unhappy together, or in the process of living co-habitually for children, or leaving, or simply unhappy and it shows. This makes me sad.

Lucky for me, my X husband met someone after my divorce who posed as the perfect stepmother, and rather then meet her threw my x husband, she just stepped up to the plate. In the long run this created more people to love and nourish my children and lay a good foundation for my children's future.

Something me and my husband could have possibly failed in doing so together as a UN happy couple.
It is so very important for children to see and feel love in the home.They base their future relationships on what they see. I was alone for many years, but I always showed love and made our home a good one.

On that note..
I hope this spring everyone sees love for what it truly is.

Signing off


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