Hormonal Dysfunction Crisis

I watched two movies the other night, one was wanderlust, a couple joins a commune and believes in free love, Jennifer Aniston sleeps with a partner first, and the other guy(guy from the hangover) just botches his chances all to hell, and then realizes he can't do it, he just loves his wife to much..the movie was so funny I was actually laughing out loud alone, especially the part where he is gearing up to sleep with a women on the commune and he says " I'm going to take my large testicle and slam it in the vag, vag here I come.." he goes on and on..I busted a gut. The second movie was  a love story, two young adults..dam should not have watched that movie! It had the first petting session, make out session..and it was rather hot, and I thought Jesus Christ, when was the last time I actually felt like that? it was like a dam hour of torture till they fucked, and then it was shit, cause they were virgins..dam it. I want that again..kisses like strawberries and biting and pawing and buildup...and then the animal ...

The truth is I have adapted some habits that are very hard to break right now...
like my routine. wake, java, healthy breakfast, work gym,,walk dog, sleep
its like I am fighting for my ultimate health, and putting on a skirt and makeup seems like a horrible tedious chore.then there is the time factor..what about my good book? my writing? networking..ugh.

Did I mention I had possibly the most humiliating experience of my life the other day? my boss saw my titty.
This is not just any boss, this is captain of the fire department, head of a community..omg I wanted to die.
So we are sitting side by side at our desks. He says "Did you take pictures of that last scene you did" "I can't find them" I said, "Oh yeah, sorry I forgot the camera they are on my phone"(that part was humiliating enough, that I forgot the professional camera) he said," that's OK, can I just plug it here and get them?", I said." yeah".

forgetting as a joke, I sent the titty shot to a friend, to cheer them up
My boss is flicking threw and then yells, :WOE TITTY, TITTY..
I whipped around so quick I still have whiplash, omg omg..I kept repeating, my boob..then he goes, OH that's yours!! HAHAH..I can never take it back and I can never fix it, and I kinda am blushing of humiliating now when I even talk about it. The worst part is knowing his beautiful wife probably knows my titty shot was on my cell. god dam I am a idiot. or human.

I will never forget training for Bio hazard, it was very hot every day, probably because we were in a room with the dam 2013 firefighters calender. All were very awesome men, most married-that was a total relief for me..one day there were two in the elevator and me and my partner..its was so uncomfortable in there I could have died, the worst part is one actually flirted. I have never actually gone for overly hot men, must be my own personal insecurities..I always thought I was too much of a dirty hippy under neath to take it into real consideration.

There is one firefighter I have grown to really enjoy working with. The thing is when a firefighter comes to a scene, it doesn't really matter if they have never been trained in what you are doing, they are trained in general to handle any situation, therefore, when one comes on site-it is the ultimate respect. My dad would be proud.  This firefighter says commentary while working, it is very funny and positive. "I feel good about this kid"s, |rip the dam floor apart, see guys this is a very positive experience", as he curses "dam this is nasty", and spits in his disgust..lol, but he goes on and on, "see guys. progress I see high hopes in this environment", "make it work kids, come on haul ass, lets get er done", and then when finished he always says something sweet.
"Go take your suit off girl, don't want you to overheat",:can I get you a water? is there anything else I can do for you"

It is only recently I have moments of incredible "horny" ,has nothing to do with working with overly attractive men.  its like this wave of horror..is this normal? I mean really at my age is this common?Most women it takes petting and so forth to get to that, I am just wondering why I have this, and then other times, nothing. So watching the movie did not give me any rewards for that matter, just sadness that I will probably never have that virginal youthful experience again. shitty.

The only action I have received is via text. A super hot rock star that makes me weak at the knees, been friends with for over 10 years, and has a incredible women by his side who believes in open relationships, I don't, shitty. I received the best text today: Kiss Me, I do have amazing dreams about this rock star..he is quite unique looking..huge Buddha lips like they would swallow my face. His companion is absolutely gorgeous, blond, petite, personable and incredible unique. I don't really get it, I could never share..
yet he writes me every day to make sure I am okay and my day is swell.

A Man I dated a long time ago who is co living with someone who I have re connected with, he is great for self esteem, he saved my life once. Don't know what its all about yet.

A American, who might actually turn into something, scheduled for Florida, however we have not spoken, only via texts in last month. The talks we do have I feel incredibly connected.

Its all very lame and unproductive to any real progress in  my future.

So what is all this shit about? from the 2nd glass of wine I am drinking? or am I actually ready?
I have no idea..and the quote below is something I follow greatly..still you cant help but wonder why these people are in your life and what it is all about right?

I leave you with the quote
GVix Signing off


First become alone.
First start enjoying yourself.
First love yourself.
First become so authentically happy
that if nobody comes it doesn’t matter;
you are full, overflowing.
If nobody knocks at your door
it is perfectly okay —
YOU are not missing.
You are not waiting for somebody to come
and knock at the door.
You are at home.
If somebody comes, good, beautiful.
If nobody comes,
that too is beautiful and good.

THEN move into relationship.
Now you move like a master,
not like a beggar.
Now you move like an emperor,
not like a beggar.
And the person who has lived
in his aloneness
will always be attracted to another person
who is also living his aloneness beautifully,
because the same attracts the same.
When two masters meet —
masters of their being,
of their aloneness —
happiness is not just added,
it is multiplied.

It becomes a tremendous
Phenomenon of celebration.
And they don’t exploit,
they share.
They don’t use each other.
Rather, on the contrary,
they both become one and
enjoy the existence that
surrounds them.