Finding the Magic....Lip Service
lip service will get you No where..really
I have been in the closet, or rather basement since May. Before May I was in a two year relationship and then a 6 month one..so I feel like I am entering this dating world all over again.
After the last relationship, I just thought it was all too much effort, so I was hanging by a thread on past relationships, that really did nothing for me. Hanging on, meaning, it's comfortable, it's safe..I feel normal, nobody wants to be uncomfortable or feel abnormal- holding on in hope's that they will find time with me, be a friend call out of the blue, do something like a movie-and I do have one male friend who I share my life with regularly, who is a very dear friend-but this is not the man I am going to be intimate with.
I still feel it may be too much effort to me..with work and other things on my plate- but I will venture out with the few that stand out above the rest.
Striving in the drama of others..
As I sit here and sip my Sherry..Writing..."God what is that stench?"
As much as I love my little community of East Indians, known as the downtown of New Delhi, this is not curry wafting into my apartment, but rather a cheap East Indian on fire..pardon me for the pun.
I need to get my sexy back back so to speak..therefore- I have signed up for a Burlesque class..woot woot!
I was in ballet for several years in my childhood, jazz and hip hop in youth and in my early 20s I battled
on the dance floor with black people from the US-
Tomboy in a white tank and ripped jeans-They always seemed to like me, and I loved to astonish and rip up of the dance floor-however I was a good girl and always went home with my girlfriends-we just loved to dance.
Dancing always made me happy- I think I look like the Elaine dance now, sometimes I don't even remember how to dance-
Even if I could barely walk the next day and the evening was filled with alcohol consumption, I remember it was always the best time ever, we used to do "The tree planter Dance as well..
I am reading a funny book called "It Could Be Worse, It Could be you"
Already this author sounds like I have been for the last two weeks- so funny!
People are always doing something new around me, something exciting, goals are set..blah blah blah
What if you had nothing new. What if someone said, so whats new? and you said "Nothing".
I always have something working in my mind, a plan, a thought,and a project. In the last two weeks, I have slept, worked, slept, cleaned and organized..planned on paper- but quite literally have done nothing.
Work, nap, masturbate, do dishes, work, read a page, go back to bed.
For 3 days I worked in my Pj's un showered, because I could. I felt over fed, turkey coma.
People would say, so how was your Christmas? meaning how was your two week vacation?
Christmas was work, and stressful and well- nothing.
Did you go party? No, I had one evening at a friends.
I remember standing in front of the mirror in my Pj's those three days watching myself age.
After the 3 days I decided to do regular lip shots, then sexy lip shots..have another drink right?
The thing was, I was watching the movie Burlesque and it was super sexy and I wanted to put on a sexy attire and take new photos, but I was to lazy, so I just did the lips.
I have to say, I have a beautiful waredrobe, I love to dress up my firends. My beautiful waredrobe sit's quietly alone in my closet.
I went back on POF last summer for entertaining purposes, I did not go on one single date, until last night.
The date itself was rather delightful! I laughed and had fun, I was very nervous because I have not dated.
It was a first step into the unknown.
Should I make time in my busy schedule for a mediocre conversation? No. So I am specific on who I will meet up with that's for sure.
After Christmas, now to be specific I have a string of stimulating conversation.
I call this Lip service. Cause really that's all it is, till someone finds the balls to come up with something exciting enough to either say or do, for me to want to make time.
I was working one evening with 3 ladies who really just need a bit of help in running their house, all three ladies want to be involved in groups that involve dating- men or rather friendships, that suit their mind set.
I took 5 pictures on my iPhone and asked," who should I go on a date with?"
I was shocked and delighted at their answers based on appearance only.
"That guy is boring" this was a Mr Gabrielle3
"Is that guy on the beach? he has his shirt off, I'm flustered, he's hot" this was Nate
The other says, "but will he go to church and provide a lasting relationship? that guy is not for our Laura"
"That one has a great smile, but it looks like he has food in his mouth." "No Manners!"
I love that these ladies are innocent and gave me sincere answers. You see in their world, which is highly protected) They rarely feel the type of hurt we do in our relationships. Their world is simple and with purity.
Most of the relationships these women have are friendships. The hurt, these women may go threw in relationships, can be as real and painful as ours, but not as complex.
The lucky winner was two actually, one who looks like a fellow worker and indeed has a great smile His name is Daniel. The other was very silly and they loved that 6'4 man riding a tricycle named Harry. They also like ZAK, and Joseph. Adam was too sleazy looking for the ladies, Stephan was to stuffed up they said.
I can say with confidence first names only because there are over a million men on the site. I find it funny the ladies said Adam was sleazy, because I asked "whats with the bedroom picture"LOL, he said "yeah, pretty sleazy hey," I thought the fact he admitted that was, for one, he has a sense of humour and two hes daring. it looked like a TV ad, guy on nice bedding in conservative clothing holding a glass of wine.
This will be very hard for me, because I will only date one, see what happens - I don't multi date, I find it tacky, I also find it dishonest. Does meet n great count? According to these men, meet and greet does not count. I mean last time I did a series of meet n greets was in 2000, and half of them didn't look like their profile pic, so it was pretty easy to say, " Thanks for trying out"
One man started off guessing the band name of my TV shirt-this was actually a contest, unfortunately the prize was a kiss..UGH, he won. I am super shy in person.
All of a sudden I am talking to five amazing men, well what appear to be amazing men. I think they fucked up on the girlfriends Christmas gifts and are now all single, because quite honestly I have never seen any of these men on here except one, which is Adam.
I like the fact that two said they are off to the gym then swim-this is my routine after work, on a regular week day.
This year I have decided to find the magic in me.. I am quite confident if you haven't noticed on the outside..
but people who really know me, know that I am quite shy and somewhat insecure on the inside.
I will no longer hide in the closet but enjoy dance again, get fit without killing myself..and quite frankly go to some events...
Fortunately for me I have several socialites, and humanitarians in my acquaintance circle to keep me busy probably for the next ten years..it is me who has chosen solitude and quiet.
Trust me this has not done me any favors for myself..only to leave me much lonelier than I had hoped.
I have been involved with someone, and am still doing the 20 first dates, however I have realized that these 20 first dates are clearly way to slow for me..I give up, I find that unless you are going to try to place yourself in my life and make serious effort- I wont either.
Time to pull out the roller derby skates and do a few runs on the seawall when the weather is better!
Last summer I picked up biking riding again, only to complain about the seat massively hurting my ass.