Oct 7, 2012

The White Dress

The White Dress

I did not get married in a wedding dress, a suit rather, and a simple wedding band. I got married at the local libery, with a band shell. We had a photographer. I was excited to see the pictures.  The pictures were developed and there was graffitie of large spray painted penis in all the shots.
I was proposed to in a carpet store. I think I was 20 yrs old. My husband was much older than me, and he had met my baby out of wedlock. After the visit, he said, "Well there it is then, we have to get married and take care of that little guy.
During the wedding I had that nervous laugh, when you know you are doing something completely wrong.  After the divorce, I vowed I would never put a wedding dress on, it may give me a rash..I felt I had been cursed forever.
I could go on to talk about how the marriage failed very quickly or I could move on to the topic I am going to write about. 
Several years later, I suited and synched many a bride into  magnificent gowns.  I managed the Bridal Store in New West.  My boss would always ask me to try one on for her, that I would make a beautiful bride. I said…I have work to do.
Each night as I closed the store I would sometimes touch the fabric of the dresses. I really wanted to create one of my own.  A few times when a party would come in and I was in the change room giving my pep talk on how this was the perfect dress. I would find myself later fer-clemplted.
Love stories come in all shapes and forms. A dear friend of mine had to find love again at the age of 50 something. She dated online, and had her run in’s. One man she didn’t give much thought about came into one of many hospitals looking for her with flowers.
Love takes risks.
Now a year later, she has left down town and is living happily in a nice home, and they spend romantic weekends at a cabin. My friend seems happy with her mate, both renovating a creating something new for each other, building a purpose.
I was recently talking with a friend who was mentioning how they knew many relationships that went on for years living apart. I said, " I give it one year". They said, "you just want to meet, cut the bullshit and move right in don’t you?"
Not Quite. I feel that after 40, you are grown-ups now. All experiences should be grand. There is no time to waste-I say this on many levels.

In my 40’s I have yet to own a home and see the world-Do I want to do this alone? No.
I am just starting to set up the nest egg for my children now. Any relationship I try now is a risk.
Will they have the same interests?-this is why, I have settled on 20 first dates. It’s my new thing.

I do want to get married, not a huge wedding-but I want the white dress, the vows and the diamond-I have never owned a diamond, not even sure if a diamond is really a stone for me-but you get my drift.
It does not matter what age you are. In today’s world, it is important not for the wedding dress and ring-It is important on the vows that make a women feel secure and safe.
Even thou I enjoy my alone time very much, I do feel I have abandonment issues and mis trust-
I could say this is because of what I have gone through, but we create our own paths and sometimes have no control over things we cannot control. Sometimes our judgment is faded, blinded by inner blocks from other things- what we feel we attract.

Or you can just admit you have bad taste in men and you have settled for assholes.

This is why it is important to clear these blocks, so you can see more clearly.

I don’t want to ever feel these again, or have an absent partner or an emotionally absent partner either.

I don’t want to feel like I have to question anything, that answers will just be. This seems impossible to me on many levels-but I know it is possible.

I saw two wedding photo shoots this past weekend, one was under the old railway on Columbia street in New West. The women had tattoos down her arms, A full white gown, and her partner was in a retro suit, with tails and a top hat. They were laughing; he fixed her curled piece of hair, and placed it behind her ear.


The other wedding was in front of the foggy dew in coquitlum, a rather tall Indian women with a short balding groomsmen- when the camera man said smile, the groom had a rather fake smile-and the bride looked tense. A while later when the people gathered round, then the groom did have his arm around her-
But there was not a once, a feeling of what I hope to have when I find my life partner. I watched for at least 15 minutes, nothing..no emotion.

If I were to get married, it would be:

Just you and me, and me and you, "Ever thine, Ever mine, Ever ours.."

I am in love with the idea of love..and I truly feel that it should be a love affair that lasts forever-
This means it takes work, and you should never stop trying to keep the magic alive, even after the comfortable settles in. 

The white dress to me, symbolizes purity to the person you are giving yourself to.  This can mean
to also go into a marriage with the purest of thoughts of intent- this doesn’t mean virginity.

I don’t know why I thought about marriage, it has been a very long time since it even crossed my mind.

I think because I am lonely and am fantasying about finding the right partner- people around me are finding love-I could not be more over joyed, and it makes me work harder on my career goals - there is not enough time in the day in my mind to secure a future, which in today’s world-is a lot of WORK!

I have thought about who would come to my wedding, I would like my eldest son to give me away-
If I dont get married it is not the end of the world.

I will just travel the world and be a female monk-

The White  Dress has been haunting me like never before, I drive by Main Bridal shop and I have to say I am temped to go in, to satify my desire to finally try one on. Best go with Girlfriends I think.
The cutest thing I ever saw was a friend of mine having a party with her girlfriends, and they all were married and had to attend in their wedding gown! What fun, I highly recommend this for any group of women.
GVix wants your take on the White Dress!

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