If you walk around with sorrow you will see sorrow...
If you take advantage of pain...you will feel pain..
If you walk around happy and joyful, you will feel joy? Wrong.
People who are truly happy, you just know in their presence-it’s a wise factor.
Love is pain, anguish and lessons, trust and belief.
Understanding....Is being happy. Coming to terms with yourself is the start of happiness I truly believe.
I often live in a dream world where I am really someone else and, this really is not me, I am writing about this person that amazes me with her ability to cope and trudge forward and still smile, in most pictures. If I was asked if I was happy, I would have to say, I feel ok today-
Not sure about tomorrow, but that’s a whole other day away.
I know in my heart that everything will turn out ok.
I tend to be a caregiver so most times I see the good in anyone and everything.
In the past year I have had many relationships, some turn out as friends, some receive lessons or vise versa, few have become lovers. I do know this, I have learnt from them all.
I have learnt that sometimes when you are incredibly lonely you can mistake love for desire:
That a good person, is not always good for you.
That you cannot fix things you have no control over.
In early spring, I had an employee walk into my office telling me, they were at my office for an orientation.
He had large blues eyes and a goofy stature. I said" I was not informed of your orientation and you must have made a mistake"
I had decided two weeks prior to demote myself from my high stressful career and this was the last week, yet again my supervisor had not informed me and most times I did the orientations.
I asked the man “who is the orientation with?" A twinkle in his eye, he said my supervisors name.
He was a very large man, with a Barry White voice; I was quite flustered at that moment.
He had that amazing thick wavy hair cut from the 50s.
I said, “well then, no point sitting around, I’ll start you with the tour”
My supervisor came in at that moment, and of course requested she take over, our relationship was quite strained.
I went to sit at the table outside my office with my team of male employees, they all shook their head’s and said, “you weren’t informed?”” but you have payroll and budget today to get done in there.”
Evil thoughts ran through my mind. I said to my loyal team, “hold on”
I quietly knocked on the office door and said, “sorry for the interruption I need to grab a number.”
I scanned the new casual list on the wall and got the guys number and left. I read people very well
I could see he was maybe 35, he had some tattoos, he smoked and he was in the latest grunge fashion-
Sitting with my team, I texted the new employee:
“So how’s that dry ass policy material going?”
We heard his cell go off, and a cough then..”sorry, continue.”
I then texted, “she’s quite attractive isn’t she?”
A louder cough, and “I am so sorry, I told everyone I was in a meeting.”
My supervisor politely says, “that’s ok, it may be your other job, if you could just reframe from answering it, that would be nice.”
We are all bent over in silent laughter.
My supervisor is very very attractive, like a model, a sweet voice, early 30’s, out of university, I swear she must be 6 feet tall.
I then text the guy, “Dont fart, and if you do leave it in the office on your way out.”
Then, the man says, “sorry I am just going to such off my cell phone”. and he giggles nervously.
A hour later he comes out, coarse we are all just looking like we are working..
Then he looks at me, and I am red chocking on laughing,
He says " I knew it was you! Bad girl!
Few weeks pass and I receive a text, “How’s it going boss? How about dinner?”
I had heard a few rumors about this person and was a little hesitant-but I said ok.
The night was great! Dinner, concert then the railway club. perfect gentlemen.
There were a few dates afterward. I started to notice he was quite a heavy drinker-
One evening he actually peed on my bathroom wall, before he left for home. On another night, he almost passed out.
On a day he said he’d help me move my storage, he was missing his shoes and beat up, said he had to pick up something from a friends house that lived close by, a black women came out screaming Spanish or Nigerian, and hitting him...I was glad I had sunglasses on and sunk in my seat, low.
He came back to my car, and I said, “what the hell was that?” He said, “-ohh..um thats um, the last girl I dated.”
That women got transferred into my team, part time-thank god I did not do anything intimate with this man,
There were also rumors that he had attempted a few relationships with other women at work-
But due to his drinking, they did not go anywhere.
My dad had just passed away and was a functioning alcoholic all his life-I was more aware of the effects of alcohol than anything. I cut it off. This proceeded with many gifts at the door, late drunk calls and texts.
I mean I like a few drinks now and then, but I’m not leaving someone’s house so I can make it to the liquor store, or having drinks after work on a daily basis.
I agreed to meet and be straight with him and tell him he had a problem and I would not enable it or support his problem, and that I just did not have the capacity to be a caregiver in this circumstance, life is too short to fuck around with false hope these days. I did say I would be a dear friend and should he seek help, I’d support that. My fiend has an amazing soul-and the addiction does not define who he is.
A month later, today in fact we had dinner. I noticed he had clearly had been drunk all week. He did not eat his food, but mumbled about his week. He was emotionally absent. I said, “you have not touched your food?”
He said,” I rarely eat.” I was angry and told him so.
I blanked out at that moment, and it was like I saw my father, and was telling him my anger. This is part of grieving...things you want to say but didn’t.
I said my dad didn’t eat, in fact the last super we had, he never touched his food. My friend said, “ Come on, do we really have to get into this? really I’m not that bad, I go to work”
Then, I lost it, I said “yup, my dad went to work at 5am and was well respected in the community, provided for his entire family,and then he came home and sat in the living room with his shirt off and was emotionally absent to anything me and my sisters were doing.” “ passed out in the chair by ten, and you know what! “ I raise my voice, “he had brown spots, high blood pressure and started to vomit his food, and then! and then he was fucking dead at 59 and none of us will ever see him again!” I got up and went outside, while my friend sat there.
“Wow, what just happened in there?” my friend said, as he came out.
I said, “I met you for this.” “ You are killing your life and any happiness or pain you may feel you won’t, cause you smother it with booze.” “ I am here in your life so you can feel this and hear it. I have to go.” I see his eyes well up, he says, “I don’t want you to be angry when you see me he says.” I am angry. I cannot be around this right now. I leave.
B) I met another man last winter, and I can clearly say I was secretly depressed and filled with loneliness.
This person was taking my soul in the bedroom. I mean, if I could describe it without the SNM shit, it was litterly “fifty shades of gray”, Every time I was with this person I was completely filled with all that he was. What I didn’t know is he was really fucked up. The sex was more than lovemaking, fucking..I am not sure what you call it, and I never really got to experience all of it-cause well...it kind of scared me that I’d get to wrapped up too emotionally so I held back many times. And thank god I did because I was very hurt by this man.
When I was around him, I felt that everything he said was for my best interest at heart. However some horrible turn of events happened and well it was over-just plain over. He had his main interest back in his life, and I was ..Well a bootie call, or rather treated like one.
I kept thinking, why? How did I not see this? This is one of those things you have no control over. If you decide to date someone who does not live by you, and you have no leg of trust to stand on..well, it may not go as expected.
So 6 months later I was able to finally be a friend and hear some of the brain clutter affecting him, and thus it paid off, because in my deepest moments of loneliness, his arms were there, his shoulders were close, his kisses were for once real-
And I felt like I was Home.
He said ,and I quote” I have come to the realization I will be alone forever, I have fear of being hurt. This is after I just helped him realize he is not alone. He had hurt me also in the same fashion.
He asked me, in a drunken slur a few weeks prior “what do you want?
I said, to come home to someone, to leave something for my children and to help other people.
There is nothing in there for me. So I retract that answer and say it how it is:
This is the mistake of desire and love. But is it? How do you know?
I see this person and the desire is intense and trust me, I hold back each time, due to trust issues.
A person who hurt me so bad, but in the end shows true love and care for someone?
Good people are not always good for you.
I saw this person again recently-This time it was different for me. Time is short.
This person met me, to have justification that they do deserve to love and be loved unconditionally. To learn that trust can be built. To know that sometimes....you have to forget your sorrows to help another.
C) Timing...sometimes you meet someone and it is the wrong time. I did. Everything about this person who I reconnected with recently reminds me of values back home. The values I want, deserve and seek, typically you meet someone like this when you are in the process of great change. It is typically when you are not looking, and so what you see in yourself appears.
I see a brilliant creative, entrepreneurial I have always been told I should go this route in my life. I have a connection to people and can read a person as well as a dog or cat. I can understand a person that cannot speak, move or explain themselves-not many can do that.
This person is someone who can sub stain in troubled times, and in worst times. He just, fucking deals with it, and moves forward with a smile. Enjoys trouble and tragedy and beauty the world has to offer. We will see what this one means. Maybe it will be my landing post-I have no idea.
I do know I blush when in his presence and feel very uncomfortable, I get butterfly’s in my stomach with a text or call. I also know nothing. I have no idea what this person is about yet, it is the first of a mystery. Maybe the mystery is the intrigue; I do not read him very well.
D) All Business and play-Boys Club- there are a few business men I have met, one from the past and one who is new. These men are in the elite Vancouver social club- one I am waiting to meet. These are the people who believe in you and your spirit and come into your life as guides, to nudge you on where you need to be.
Spoil you when you need spoiling, a fancy event, an educational evening to broaden your horizons- a getaway with other corporates to have you as a backup for business or sometimes just company. Having people like this in your life, get you out there, I have met a handful of women in this club as well-it’s really like a private community. Most women in the down town sector seek out these type of men, why? Well money and power. This has never been an interest of mine.
However these men ALWAYS seek me out. I tend to be put in the friend factor after a while.
I am unfortunately attracted to a certain type of man-sure it would be nice to find a creative, eccentric latten hippy who had money, but that’s a diamond in the rough in Vancouver. There is my past friend thou, Mr Big..once I saw his true self and family. The cards did change a little-but not much, instead he is settling for a female socialite who insists on 3 weddings, one here, Europe of coarse and somewhere else. Fortunately for me, I will always be part of the boys club with Mr Big, because he is now like family to me.
E) Grass Roots-I have to say, heart and mind and soul has been defiantly touched this year with this group of people I have met-these are people who are, creative artistic, leaders. Believe in wellness and spirit-It’s like having your own vineyard church and rather than pay a church you pay in barder system for these greats. I do not think I would have any strength in my bones if I did not hear words from Erin, Solar, Michael, Sarah J, Tatianna, her mother, Wendy D, Victoria and associates- not all words, sometimes just their form of art was enough to make me “See” the vast amount of strength I am capable of having.,
These are the people you watch and learn to build strength from when you are weak- you ask for help when you need it. These are the people who will put up there couch if your homeless. Guild you on what you need to do-but will not tell you answers you want to hear, rather help you find the answers that are right.
And when you are broken. As I was, you seek help. you ask, and you shall receive.
Circles: Do you have circles of friends?
I have quite a few and it’s hard to keep up, and sometimes a circle goes in the foreground, and you have to rejoin to let them all know you still are here and love them.
I have a circle of friends back home in Terrace BC- who are my closest friends-who I see very little, but no time lapse when we rejoin.
I have what I call my surrey friends, these friends are a group of friends I met in 2008-through one special friend-Ms Jones, there are five or so girls, and we are all very close-this is my second circle closest of friends.
I have my work friends who are completely different from all the rest- most often see the real me all the time. Rarely do we socialize outside of work, but are trying too-this is my male circle of friends, ok there are a few women in there. This is the no filter group, because I think we have all seen just a little too much at times.
Then there are the new circles in the last two years, and its building.
A entrepreneurial group of women and men-these are people I met over Christmas last year when I just started to show up at events.
The Vancouver social scene group- I have been joining this group more often- there are women I met threw the parties of some of the social events I went to, also part of the sport I do in dragon boating.
The circle from my last long term relationship- only socialize with 3.
The creative group gained from Special K in a roundabout way, one lead to one lead to one..
I have a few family groupings in other towns, Kamloops, Calgary, Kelowna, Victoria, Nanaimo and the US.
Then we have single friends who stand out alone
I met about 200 new people this year, and like I said, law of attraction. They will all support me in whatever I do, and I am pretty sure you all know what that is!
I guess I decided to write about why we meet people because I have also weeded people out, I know hard to believe-but I did. The people I can’t commit to anymore, for whatever reason, distance or just too much work, or other.
I am slowly connecting with my groups to find out why they are here, I just connected with some family members in Kamloops, and well I don’t even have to ask myself that question-they have always loved me unconditionally and if I were to screw up they would help me through it.
But I did bring a friend, and that was indeed a thought process in itself.
I also spent time with my hometown girls, most of them-and I might as well just say they are like family.
My girls from 2008-mostly in the Frazer Valley, I have some serious cleaning up to do there.
The rest we will see where they all come into play!
I have had two rather randy messages from two past male friends. I was rather shocked and really did not know how to reply to either, but I look at it this way- if they had any respect for me at all or were in fact interested they would ask me out to a nice dinner, not send me a message on face book stating they had a X rated dream about me, or texted that we’d be good together
When they entirely botched a past date with me-
This is my year of love, the landing point of change- In order to have this ,..hmmm one must change. Well I have in many ways changed a lot- and you know it’s really fucking weird living alone, just saying. I still lock the bathroom door when I take a shit, and I am still learning that I actually can run to the bathroom naked cause no one is here. I still buy way to much food and am pissed it all goes bad, like why am I buying 10 chicken breasts and 8 steaks? The other day I bought 30 rolls of toilet paper. Once home realizing I don’t even have the room for 30 rolls of toilet paper.
This is what happens when your kids move out. I always had my son here and his girlfriend, one for 4 years, the other for 2-crazy.
Women do crazy things when they live alone, like take pictures of their vagina to see what it looks like in a photo at the age of 30/40.
Ok, yeah-I’m not going to lie, I did it, but only because a friend of mine showed me and my home girl at the Roxy a slightly odd looking vagina, we actually didn’t know what it was..lol
I said what the hell is that? She had photo shopped it into this crazy ass picture.
So one day, in my apartment living alone, I decided to get angles and take pictures, I tell ya, if someone was a fly on the wall-they would of peed their pants.
Then I got all artsy and put this peacock feather on my belly and added a blue hue to the picture and sent it to my X..I called it the blue baboon, and I had, the porno slit.
The response was, “blue?. Not so much.” This is the only person who saw them-
I have discarded those for anyone who requests I send them, don’t even go there.
The others were ok-in all the photos I have ever had done in nude, I have never taken private parts pictures-so now I can say I did. Apparently women do this all the time-“To Explore oneself..” What the fuck ever, I am never doing that again! I live in the dark ages sometimes. The worst part was, I couldn’t stop laughing at myself.
I don’t know how men just take cock pics and send them to every female possible, I guess its cause it’s an easy handle in the hand-I don’t know, I prefer imagination. And if sending things like that, it should be with someone you really care about and are adding a little spice to your relationship…I know I’m old school.