Jan 15, 2015

2015 First Week

2015


Reflection on 2014.

 The Big Negative’s

I moved last year after my ceiling caved in on xmas eve and my dog was diagnosed with cancer. I had a breakup at the same time, 3 hits in one.

  Lots of change happened in my life last year. I went through a serious strike with the Vancouver School Board and found that my sources of security were depleted. It seemed that with almost zero income for 5 months the past financial issues came to my stress level at a head. The vet bills for my dog were running 600 a month.

 I worked odd jobs that were like going backwards in life, this led to more stress and unhappiness. The residential care homes I had worked for so many years, and endured bulling and hard negative people-again was once in my face.
I put my head down and just got threw as many hours as I could to just make it through. The residents of the group homes were the same, innocent, void of their surroundings as usual.

I detached myself from a lot of friendships and hermitized most of the time, too miserable to involve myself.

I lost my 12 year companion Sushi the fat Pug, just before Halloween, and I am still grieving, 3pm is like a knot in my stomach that simply will not go away. 3pm was the rush hour time to beat it home to get to the door and love her and take her out and snuggle and know that she was waiting for me.
They settled my dad’s estate last year, which left me in chaos with family. It was like I was grieving the death of my father all over again.

My mother and my son were quite sick all threw the year of 2014, which left me worried, and helpless on what to do if a major emergency came during my financial loss.
Friends came and went, moved and disappeared and 5 best friends stayed. 

I had my first serious back injury on August 29th, which left me very scared on what I would do if something more serious came about. I was on bed rest 3 weeks, and Physiotherapy for 8 weeks.

The last horrid thing to happen in 2014 that turned into a positive was, my son was in a state of coas in Victoria and needed immediate removal. He came home, made positive change in the week he’s been here and was hired on full time in a new job. I am hoping the rest of change is yet to come.


The Wonderful Positive’s

I went to two weddings which have made huge impact in my life. The first, was a re-connection with a dear old friend, it was a trip to whistler. I met new friends and felt like I had rejoined with family.
I realized many of my friendships that were current would not develop into the friendship I had with Babbs. This was a forever friendship, we had both had our share of hurdles, and I had to try and forgive myself for wasting so much time in her life.

The other wedding was my niece who got married on my birthday. I was able to develop a relationship with my grandson’s mother that build trust and my grandson was going to meet his entire Dutch family.
A 4 day trip to Kamloop's where I was able to see family that was a huge part of my past life and will now be a major part of my future.

I started a new relationship in 2014, a few in fact. One failed and one stayed. Big D was a huge support and endured my cranky horrid mood swings. I cant imagine how I would have gotten threw it all if he were not in my life.

I had my first roommate in quite a long time, he helped me financially make the bills during the strike and kept me somewhat sane during my very dark days. Quirky and helpful in every way.

I was able to spend solid time with my two long time friends in the US and go to the blues music festival.

Id have to say a lot of past family connections came into my life in 2014, I was also able to see my eldest sons auntie, I call her the traveler- it was a short visit, but every time I see her I feel she had something so wise to tell me. The biggest thing was – don’t wait on life.
I enjoyed my uncles visit- another world traveler, we shared dinner at a funky pub on main.

I received the licenses to run Prospect5 last year and started my small time business. I had 4 clients last year, it was a start and a dream to start working for myself one day.

I went threw career change, I trained 6 weeks in total to be a postal worker- I made the cut.
I spend Christmas Eve with my spiritual friend, which touched my heart and I realized she probably needs me just as much as I need her. We also need community. Spiritual change is always good.
Her idea is quite different than mine, however I think the new year will be a fun learning experience for us both. We need that.

Last year I was able to go sailing again! I also tried Outrigger. I was fortunate enough for my old captain to let me go out a few times sailing. I realized a lot of changes needed to be made in order to do the sailing and outrigger- one was be financially prepared for it. The other was , stop being invincible and get some dam swimming lessons.

Towards the end of 2014, I had some amazing angels that appeared in my life. My x Finance, Wide Smile- It was like he was finally at peace with what he had chosen for his life and still had a concern with mine. Maybe a little regret there, that we didn't meet in a different lifespan. His way of concern and care is always money. Which I gladly took. It was a gift at the last minute I didn't expect and desperately needed after bringing my son back to Vancouver. Our visits are awkward. Typically coffee. I see well beyond his bullshit now. I am not really sure how I feel about him being part of my life in 2015.

I think for me to seriously look at that picture, it's…something like a black and white old movie, 

I also had a acquaintance from my past surface, who helped me also financially pay one large bill.
These little,yet large gestures, , helped me put a turkey dinner on the table and be able to do a full Christmas, I had not done one in several years.  This was a blessing.

2015

I really just wanted to sleep.  The idea of getting drunk and staying up late were the farthest things from my mind. I had just worked 6 days, 12 hour days trying to learn a 43Kilometer postal route , everything hurt. I could of opened the wine, but I did not. I had been eating healthy and doing this route non stop and I had lost 7 pounds. Not that I have much weight on me. I was 135 constantly mid year and my goal weight was 125, today on New Years Day I weighed in a 128.

I did however stop at Taco Bell and ordered the largest box of junk food on the menu. The Big Chalupa!
Two deep fried tacos, poutine fries, a chicken breast and a cinnamon stick. I ate it all and watch Eat Pray Love.

I had to hear the quote one more time. 

“I've come to believe that there exists in the universe, something I call "The Physics of The Quest" — a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: "If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you." Or so I've come to believe.”

I have new goals of course, most of them are fitness and mental health. I hate ringing in the new year with a list of to dos and not to does, I think its bullshit and it never works. I had my list during the countless hours alone during the strike last year, it was an action plan that started in September and has started in baby steps. The first was to gain a casual employment that was long standing with movement, not these small jobs that felt like time wasted, all my life wasted on work..that's how I feel.

There is a lot of negative talk about Canada Post. The job is still the same , delivering mail. The days are longer and harder because you have a retail store in a truck, plus your regular mail. The job itself is brutal, physically brutal.  The community boxes are frustrating and annoying. I will say this, at this time, Canada post offers a lot of movement, the postal change will create more jobs and be more efficient, our Seniors and people with disability will still have door service on Wednesdays.

To come into Canada Post as a new person, You have no recollection of the past- you start fresh, the overtime hours and learning curve are 6-12 months, however there is still the security and dependability as long as you do your best. People on my block have not received their mail for 3 days, due to me having to scan and deliver a endless amount of parcels and learning it all as well, there are the pre-sort mistakes and then your case sorting-two bundles, which get confusing. I remember yesterday delivering to, probably the most beautiful independent senior living establishment I have ever seen for seniors. There where four ladies coming down the hall. The one lady said," Are we going to tea?" The other said, "yes just waiting for Jessica, she going to wear that horrible fur vest to tea I guarantee it!!!", I was giggling to myself as I opened the panels, as they came to the corner, the one said- "Oh look its actually a postal lady, I thought you were all dead."

The coordinator of the facility came over and said, "Now Mrs John Doe, lets be nice, after all look at all the mail and parcels!" I turned and said," ladies I sincerely apologize for everything, its all my fault, I am a new worker, your regular worker is not available," I am new to this area. I went on and on..
It took me one full hour to get all the mail in, and 30 Min's to scan about 20 Christmas parcels that were late. To my surprise they all sat in the common area and opened their gifts , just like Christmas!
I had a wonderful time! This is what its about

I talked to the coordinator about the facility. It had a grand fireplace in the entrance, 4 amazing Christmas trees, everyone was dressed up- I could see to amazing areas, one was a pub sports room, the other was a dining room overlooking a garden. The best part was seeing all these people living as friends.

Apparently the establishment is quite pricey. The next day I had several items for the same location- I decided to deliver their first. I saw mail from all over the world, and I thought- this is what they are waiting for.

My mother started this New Year goals off with a Yoga Pass. My WCB cut me off for the last remaining 4 weeks of Physio. I called to extend it , no luck thus far- at least I have something to lean on as far as stretching this sore ass body out.  The plan is to take the adult swimming lessons, and the outrigger coarse, you need to be able to turn your OCC over in the water and hold onto it. You can do it in a pool, or you can be over turned in the ocean as a test run when you join.
At the time, the race manager told me he’d just let me come out and try it, but I would need to take the coarse as the outrigger runs all year in open ocean, unlike dragon boating.


Unfortunately my plans don’t leave a lot of room for leisure time. It means being quite strict with myself.
I will need to work 10hr days at VSB and CPost, my evenings will be in training and classes at the pool. I am also looking into a teaching degree which can partially be provided at VSB or Counselling.
I will need a full 8 hours sleep. I have decided that friendships will be the forth front, ones that encourage and support me, and hopefully some join me. Sunday will be dedicated to spiritual, writing and my business paperwork.

I saw my old Doctor friend just before Christmas, he offered free consult. He said "There has been a lot of change, I am actually wondering if you are really handling it". I laughed and said, | come on.. you really think I need counsel?"

 In 2014 he told me my book was a important part to the grieving aspect and that it needed to be published. As I sit here now on New Years Day, I think am I ready to let all my emotions surface? Not so much. I think crying to a person and talking about all the mistakes and things that hurt you keep you locked in that feeling.

The reason I say this is because I have read some books recently that I feel are a better way to deal.
Wild, Tracks, Last trip to Zion. All the writers took time to find themselves and be OK with who they are. Each writer had to walk away and find peace with themselves and come to terms with forgiveness.

I feel that going away on a life seeking journey is what I need. I don’t remember a time when I was not dedicating my time to something, a group home, I worked 24/7 for 10 years,  a relationship, all my relationships including the one I have now and not what I really think it should be.  kids, I worked 3 jobs raising my kids and missed major parts of their development, owning material things gave me debt.

All my energy went into creating what I have now, a handful of belongings and debt.  I realize I am completely alone. My dog is gone, my kids are grown- it has been 7 years since my eldest son spend real time with me, just me. I don't receive cards or letters, Christmas gifts, birthday gifts.

 I receive a odd phone call and its useless when I say something. On new years, Id have to say I took at hit to the heart of feeling alone and sad. Frankly I m sick of being sad.

There is no reason why my new purpose should not be to take this year for myself. Last year my best friend went to Africa and this year her sister, my other best friend is going to India in one month. Both left their families, to go on a self seeking journey.
I need to go where I am only dedicating time to myself and to marvel at new experiences. To think without the clutter of stress in my mind. In saying this, I will need to dedicate all my time to get my body and mind and finance, to be fit to do so.

I have banned, Starbucks, all retail and thrift stores, malls, dining out, alcohol, new sporting equipment, movies, concerts music purchases, Internet purchases. A 200 cut on grocery bill, and a 150 cut on the car gas bill.and lastly, I decided to not be in a relationship.

I am into day 10 and have not slipped. From now on its garden to table and basic eating, minimal driving.

Every event I try to do which is a fundraiser fails, so its going to be just good old budget cuts and compromise, until the spring hits- then its garage sale central.

It’s the first week of the new year and I already have a new client with my company. I left residential care completely- to run my own. I am going to be downsizing my friend list on face book. There are a handful of friends I need in my life and some new ones and the rest don’t count for much. No effort.
I am a comical story they like to watch on face book. The next story they read will be in my book or on my media site.

My mind is so ADD, its almost genius, we had a running joke at postal training that they only hire ADD people, because they are the only people on the planet that can do a million things at once.

It seems as I write over the last few years I live in a bubble of sadness. I guess I stopped writing because it seems that I am just not happy about anything. It is very ironic I help people achieve a life of wellness and do things that make me happy- In fact this is when I am most happy, helping others and enjoying myself along the way.
Since my dad and my dog have passed away I just cant seem to be motivated to do the larger than life things I need to do.

2015..dreams…And so, she decided to start living the life she imagined§
This was indeed the plan, after fat Sushi passed away, I said to myself in November that I would put my original plan into full force by 2015;that work would be 24hrs, that health would be extreme. 

Instead till the very day up to new years eve, I had indulged in many naps, wine at least 2 days a week, smoking sociably, zero sex drive- it is like I don’t have any feelings, like I cannot feel my body at all.I felt completely devoid of family. That is what Christmas is supposed to be about, I had one day, boxing day-This was a good day- the only day I had off for Christmas.

So on 2015 I slept. From 9pm to 9am.
Jan 3rd is where I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. It was in the restorative yoga room where they tell you to imagine who you really are. At the end they tell you that this space takes you away from the stress of the world.

Missing you Fat Sushi Gurl...

Here's to a new year..I know you'd want it to be a good one.

.
Gvix signing off



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