May 15, 2012

365 Letters..Letter Two

Dear Guardian Angel,
May 13, 2012


I know my father is somewhere up there, please say Hi for me today. For the first time in about 2 years I actually got on my knees and prayed that my son Dakoda would be ok last night. He called and was sitting in your room, dad, with your 1985 Scotch. It was a good talk but a sad one.
Today I mananged to get out and do the laundry, however I wore your fireman tshift, pjs slippers and shades.
It is hard to move about..I just tear up all the time, I am at a point I am so numb I dont even care..I went to this cafe shop, and reliezed after how I must of looked like a complete crack head. The Lions Den Cafe, great place, Jamaica owned..kewl people hang out there..The owner said, ahh girl, you ok eh? I said I lost my dad. with a blank stare. He said, give me your hand..so I did, he was a handsom warm eyed black man, probably in his 50s. kissed my hand, said you be ok, coffees on us today. I realized in my car mirror, the horror that stared back at me..I really dont care.

What I do care about Guardian, is that my family gets threw this loss..they, including myself are acting out of sorts. I also ask that we all come together and try to be strong together.  Its 30plus degrees here and I am so cold..

I did reach out to my family and two friends requesting their pressence. I was told I need to share my sadness so it gets released. where to I begin? The feeling of guilt for not being with my dad is over whelming..he kept asking when are you coming every year..

Alot of my thoughts today were about my sisters..and when they were young. I remember dad, you were so proud your third daughter won the Miss Terrace pageant in her pretty dress with her blue eyes. I remember you saying your baby daughter was your all star athlete and you were so happy she was on teams..I think baseball was the sport. Your littlest one had a raspy little voice, pouted and was darn cute. Your second daughter was the apple of your eye at graduation and her wedding..and your first daughter you supported..so much..

I want to forget all the family shit that was petty, stupid and dumb and go back to then. I still remember the fighting, but I remember more good than bad.

I tried to keep busy today and worked in my garden..from all that rain last week I am still waiting for the amazing garden.. I really need more time off work..I am weary...however I go back tomorrow.
Help me get threw it please.

"A old Steve martin movies on..dad you always loved those movies"..I found them weird back in the day.

So I said I would be my truest self..here goes..Dad you always asked why I was closed off..The only thing with being closed off was it made me feel very lonely and alone..at times the fights got so difficult to try and correct I just moved away from them. When I would try to talk things out with your second daughter..she would try to make reason of both sides and this helped..but when people simple refuse to work it out..out talk..or take any accountability...Its kind of hard to fix it. When people say nothing and shut you out..its kind of hard to fix. Then there is fabrication thrown in there and its a huge mess.

The only thing I can do now, is whip it clean...my son told me this is your wish Dad.

I saw one of my best friends today, and I remember earlier this year she lost her mother..when we got to the house she was in shock..it took several days to pick her up and dust her off... Death does a funny thing to people. I never thought my friend would be good again..she was drinking, smoking talking pills and it seemed to get worse.
She had a few deaths last year I think..was horrible.

When she was done her grieving..she decided to do what her mum wanted..and today..I barely recognized her. I almost thought for a second that she may be to intelligent for my social circle..lol Just joking!
it was so good to have her here..I did miss the big boobs to hug thou..she on the HCI diet..crazy.

I know what I have to do when all the hurt is over and I have a clear vision.

Exactly one week from dads death I was at school working and there was loud noise outside..crows..I was fascinated and started a Raven Painting series
 ( Unfinished), the first painting says the messenger..



then on the day before dads death, my mother gave me a necklace with a Raven on it..This was my message...I will never miss another one again.



"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day
When they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to
tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you 
and a stick out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse."it's a 
thing that happens to you."
When a child loves you for a long long time,
not just to play with
but REALLY loves you,
then you become real"
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful-
"When you are Real you don't mind being hurt"

Velveteen Rabbit

Nite guardian, Nite dad
La

My Best Self-walked the dog, had memories worked in the garden

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