Dysfunctional Journal Entry
Destiny....has finally come through,... in some forms.
As I sit here contemplating my future..not feeling very well today. I hurt my back, and last night decided to eat and follow my vitamin routine. I thought a nice glass of wine will help my back. 3am...the shits. Note to self; Do not drink wine and take high does of supplements. I did mostly nothing today, sleep shit eat, sit up, shit..sleep..eat..5pm, I can complete a conversation.
I have to say I am pretty excited about launching my exciting future!
I have been waiting over two years for a daytime position that would offer me time to travel, full benefits and evening's to share with someone. So the school board called!
My past year of despair with sickness and barely finishing school, has wonderingly accepting me for winter quarter, they moved some un finished assignments over. The fitness and team groups are coming underway.
I truly feel, once I start being in my active lifestyle, living in my new life all will be set in stone.
My boldness to step out of my shell and meet people in the creative world,will soon allow room for my creative side, hence this blog and whatever else comes my way. I have three meetings lined up this month with very influential persons:)
The last thing is love. Someone who See's me and only me, I have faith this will happen in 2012.
I have taken some bold steps already, like opening my heart to things that go against my belief system.
In past I have taken on emotionally absent men for example, when really I need a team member-to fight, see me at my worst and battle all storms. To see only me. I don't want memories anymore-I want lifetime experiences. As a married man once said to me during a separation, "I have been to the moon and back...I need to make this work." He was referring to seeing the world with his wife.
The next big relationship will be a worldly one, share seeing the world together. Until then, I will move with the motions of life and guard my heart. I watch my friends move in this hustle n bustle in dating..that's why I am here, to tell you my experiences so you can all learn , or laugh. It is sad really.
I would much rather create friendships and bond with my friends. My self worth has gotten a little better since my recent lessons..however I still sabotage my self respect at times. I do not know where this comes from. I am making a effort to work on this. I struggle with what is real.
I have enormous support from my 4 male employees at work. This helps huge. I have the 37 yr old christian virgin.he teaches me about respect and morals and will listen to almost anything and give me crap when I need it.
I keep telling him that E Harmony is a bust, as well as finding a christian in today's world who is a virgin and in the age group of 30. I make laud jokes with him all the time, where he just is incapable to respond.
I think I have finally convinced him that regular girls can be converted and to have a little fun at least. He has made some bold moves to step out of his shell this year. Now if I could only find him a wife!
I remember, coming in and seeing this 6'5 man chase the other two staff with a stick, I am like whats going on? it was a shit sample. End of day, clients are in bed, and yeah, he was chasing the other two guys with this shit sample that had to be taken to the lab. Don't under estimate a christian virgin. They are more evil than you can imagine.
I have the naughty homosexual, however this one, has 3 degrees in Behaviors, is a teacher and only 28-
Quite often I will say, well this happened. He will say" say goodbye, look at his shoes!! umm no . For some unknown reason, He can tract my behaviors in work-and can set me on the road to keeping my kewl in the worst of times. It is fitting to say he is truely a proffessional when it comes to work.
He has this sick habit of flashing his IPhone at the dinner table while I am eating, it is the POF gay site, and most times its a large penis. while I am eating.
You can count on every begining of the week, for him to come into the office-exhausted and say"I have been a Naughty bad homosexual" Then I have to hear the stories and escapades. I have to say its adds excitment to my day.
I remember I was in the office and had just sat down for a lashing with my supervisor, after she left..I was delegating- he kept yelling "sugarbeaties- finally I said what is your deal. because I was grouchy and I have diabetes, and he was yelling sugar beaties.
However the other day, I told him some polices-that he was not following. he did not laugh. Instead he put on the pout. It is very difficult to work with a absolute gorgeous gay man and keep a straight face. Our conversations are well..."Is that thing even real? Yeah baby, his name is Goliath. I remember anal sex, I cant imagine. What do they use, like numbing super lube? for the most part, my naughty homo, is searching for what we all seek in Vancouver, someone real-This is harder in his circle.
I have the black roots yogi, from da old country, who is pretty high class, and can read the downtown group. He micro manages my life actually-has set the stones in my life for achievement and will make sure I am accountable. I remember when my car broke and I got a ride in his black BMW. We pull up to a stop light there is a black girl in the car beside, he rolls down his window, big smile, Hey Girl!, shes smiling, hes smiling-I am like, "you know her?" she also has a man in the car and I am in his car. He rolls up the window and says, "No. That's how we do it." LOL
I have the 50yr old Russian, who gives me "The talk " every night. recently he told me it was OK to have a little fat on my ass, and I had lost some. He also says "You need to be Bitch Lara" He is reffing to my career-tuff balls, you want whiskey, I get you Whiskey? My large Russian was not so tuff the 3 times he gave labour to gall stones. I have never heard so much swearing in Russian.
Lastly, I have my closest friend we will call him BOB-who is struggling to be the next millionaire with his own company. He makes me blush, has very nice teeth. He will request to know everything that is going on in my life and pretty much will not tolerate men who disrespect-therefore, I can not tell him much. He would frown gravely.
I came in glowing after a recent date..and Bob said, see I told you. Bob likes to look at the men I go on dates with and can critique them. Most times he pretty dead on. and pretty critical. Quite often he will go threw my facebook and stat why not him?, or him.
I called him and said "if you are fucking someone and he says you can date, what does that mean?"
Bob said, "It means he doesn't give two shits and hes fucking around."
I said, "well what if he said it, cause hes insecure?"He said, "he doesn't give two shits , he is getting what he wants and hes looking for something better."
I said, "well what if the person is getting over a relationship?" He said, "your a idiot,he doesn't give two shits, and hes fucking around. Did you use a condom?" His voice gets very high and his eye brow raised like I am a bad little girl.
I said, "what if he said he is not sleeping with anyone, but said, I can date?" He said," Laura if you are fucking someone, which clearly you have-I know this now, these questions I should not be hearing-at all. The man for you will not be looking, he will have closed his pof account and would have respect for what you deserve. He would not want you to date-" Stop making excuses!
I realized..I can answer my own questions. The responses are not what I believe, so this is the issue I have with what is real, what I feel, and what I want and deserve.
I remember how my last relationship went with these four men. My BF felt intimated and therefore made a fool of himself. Two employees thought he was a nice guy, one stated he had some sort of disability,
and the yogi said..no no no "he does the weed, too much...This was at a team building session, the drinks came fast, the food came late, it was soccer season on commercial drive. They asked my BF a series of questions that my BF just did not have the social skill or with to answer.It was horrifying, and I felt I had put my BF in harms way. One thing they were dead on about. He was not for me.
However I have figured out what my companions need to have, or see, to accept someone.
Me to be happy.
This would be very funny. When I launch my new life style, I will miss these guys. I feel like they are my safety net and I love going to work because they are there. I can go to work if I am having a bad day, because it will turn out great in the end. How do you make a decision to part such a great team? It's very fucking hard. I do know, that each of them has been able to work in comfort due to me. Prior to me, staff was in lock down, sometimes up to 8hrs a day due to behaviors.
I don't know how I do it, I just do. I am very proud of myself. However the thing with my job is, sometimes you give all the positiveness you can, 110% in fact. This can suck you dry. You can only handle so much negativity in your life-My staff are not the negativity, neither are my clients. The negativity, is the system.
non recognition of the line workers. cut backs. Over crowding. 4 yr wage freeze, and a type of change.
I have a new management team, that fails to see the last three years of extreme hard work, this team seems to point out things that could be changed, without looking at the vase patterns of change we have made and the accomplishments this has already created.
Personal belief systems are not the best solution's in this type of environment. This is creating so much havoc that now behaviors are coming into play, from change...change of staff..change of routine..change of residents, change of systems. Personalty I love change, this is learning for me, changing up learning and staffing is always good, it stimulates and educates. This new type of change is not befitting the clients with their behavioral plan.
The re-design in our company due to the deficit in community living of 2 million, has changed our titles as well, leaving a whole lot of change in our workload.
Good thing I am smart. Many of the managers that work along side me have left, moved on and given up.
Well this all happened a year ago-I am still treading along, a small butt kisser with no dam balls or worth.
I recently also became a Shop Stewart for the union, only because they were going to issue a bullying campaine. Then I realized, do I really want extra work, to listen to MORE negativity?
Sometimes we have to find and create our own happiness, I gave it all away. I have no regrets. Now I have to find mine.
I have 6 boxes packed and move in 15 days.
So Id better go.
GVixen signing off..