Feb 25, 2011

Women's "Stuff"


Women's Stuff..
I don't know about you guys, but I am kind of in denial that I am actually in my 40's. Apparently in your 40's new things happen.
First off, when you are in a committed relationship in today's world after you have actually establish that you are, medical clearance is required to have safe sex. I mean even his junk has to be examined..you cant go by"if it tastes like dairy" to think its safe.
At 40, mammograms are introduced, thyroids are checked, hormonal tests have to be done, these are all tests to wonder why your girlfriend is going insane.
Early menopause is now the talk of the town, thank god that was ruled out for me.
Apparently at 40 your vaginal walls get thin, yeast infections and bladder infections occur more frequently, instead of facials, you will be giving your vagina a facial of olive oil and yogurt, or the new age"estrogen cream" Fun stuff, but not so fun in your panties, after a few days of use you feel like you have NO vagina.
Then, there is your body, a whole new meaning to gravity..like the flaps on the back of your arms, what the hell is that? recently after two months of no gym, I could take off in my new reformed body. I am constantly moving my facial cream in a upward motion to avoid the famous "Turkey" neck my mother has. I vow if I ever win the lotto, me my mum and all my sisters are going to have some sort of preventive surgery to Kill the Turkey! I dont have it yet, but I am sure I will!
Recently I had a wonderful stay at the hospital. I had started to bleed, this is one of those "Women's Junk" topics, so if you have to leave the room, do so now.
The bleeding occurred after sex, then I was in pain for two weeks. Google bleeding after sex..
Cancer, tumors..the list goes on, so I did the right thing and went to the doctor. My doctor said this looks like trauma, my boyfriend was overjoyed to hear..that his manhood was indeed a tool of torture...
She then ordered the whole whack of tests..hormone, blood, ultrasound..after 2 weeks I had heard nothing and my abdomen was extremely swollen and I was in allot of pain. I went to the clinic to find, my doctor was away 2 Weeks, on a holiday..how lovey for her-Fuck
A new doctor agreed to see me and thought they could just ram their hand up there to do a pelvic examine, I was bawling , the pain was so intense. I was ordered to go to the hospital, by ambulance or, they would give me something for pain so I could make the 10 minute drive, so my car would not get towed in their lot-Welcome to the city of Vancouver.
The hospital of choice was very pleasant, they were waiting for me, and I was sent for blood, IV..and prepped. IV had 3 pouches of water, they basically said I was a raisin, and they needed to get fluids in me immediately.
This lovely nurse came in and said, have you ever had morphine before? I said no, she said your tummy is quite inflamed, we are going to give you some dopamine to get the swelling down, and some morphine. I could feel it going in, and vomited..
That's OK, here comes your dose of gravel.
Meanwhile the other techie was taking 3 doses of blood on the other arm-I hate needles, the room was spinning..last I remember I text ed my son saying..BBBYYYEEE.
I woke up in a black room, how frightening is that!?..I said are you prepping me for surgery? Do I have cancer? The lady, who looked like a alien under the weird light said, "nooo dear, you have been transported to the mother ship for testing, we are just going to suck out your brain matter for a few tests. I kept starring at her in horror.
She then said, "are you all right dear?", "this jelly will feel cold, you are in for a ultrasound".
Then I started to laugh, not a giggle, but in a warped weird laugh, catching myself-I immediately stopped, and thought-what kind of fucked up drugs are these?
All the lady had to say was, "feeling a little strange?"..I just shut my eyes, hoping I would land back home soon, in my bed.
When I woke up, I asked what time it was, I had be taken for 4 hours already. I quickly checked my body to see if they cut me open anywhere-I was OK, except I could not feel my legs. The doctor was on his way to talk to me.
Doctor: "Most people that come to stay with us that have gynecological issues, will not get a diagnose today, and most are unexplainable." I looked over at the screen off to the right-the file said"women had unprotected sex"I read this on the computer filling system.
This was very upsetting to me, I have been with my partner a year, you try dating and wanting to get it on, and stat-"due to my field of work, you must be medically cleared to have sex with me and when the results come back clear(can be up to 10 days) we can have sex.'
This is a good way to make sure your man doesn't cheat on you by the way-if he has any conscious at all, knowing that a STD, could make you lose your job..lol
I then said, to the doctor are you going to do a internal exam? He said," absolutely", but I am just a emergency doctor, most of the questions you have right now, I simply will not be able to answer, my job is to make you comfortable and get as many tests done to send them off to a gynecologist. you will have to be taken to Saint Paul's or VGH in the morning, also we close at 8pm-Is there someone who can pick you up?
I was so stoned that my own fart scared me. Both my arms were gone, or felt like they were gone, and they also wanted me to pee, like 3 times. After all the blood, exams and medication, I felt like I did have surgery.
Lastly, as a parting note, the doctor said, you did the right thing by going into the doctor and them sending you here, your abdomen was like a balloon, at your age you cant take chances.
You have no STDs, your ovaries are beautiful and you hormones seem to be normal, A gynecologist will be able to tell you whats really going on.
At my age??? Thanks. If you just want some free morphine, head on down to saint Joe's, with pain in your extremities. "We are Here to Make you feel Comfortable" Actually I was relieved
my tummy went down, I was not going to die and I could sleep for hours and hours-I am now up at 5am..lol Getting ready to head over to Saint Paul's-hopefully they have something to tell me.
Did I mention I got a fat prescription too? Dopamine and T3's with codeine-good thing I don't believe in drugs much. I will stick to Advil, thank you very much. I really do believe the Mother ship is living in that hospital.
As a parting gift from the hospital, I also woke up with a quater size rash on my face-Stress rash,
How lovely..
I had forgotten about texting Goodbye to my son, I found numerous messages if i was dead, ok..alive, boy did I feel bad. I am pretty sure I talked to a few people, what a trip!
GVixen Signing off to better Days..
1 Week Later...
Well I have been back to the hospital, 2 times for tests, back to the GP 2 times, I look 3 months prego, and I am in massive pain. Nothing. Welcome to the world of Women's Crap!
All I can think about is what it was like to be normal..my life flashes before my eyes..
Like if I die, what will happen to my sons and my dog..
I been having night terrors..like I cant feel my legs..or worse..
Ladies, look after yourself..don't waste time..
One of the things I have been doing for a long time now is looking after everyone else in my work and home..and somewhere I have just forgotten about myself. I had started to really enjoy my personal life..and was hoping to move forward into a much more active lifestyle.
Then everything stops..work..the mess in the house..it all just stops when you are sick.
I feel even more screwed, my parents are on disabilities..my one kid has moved away, my other son is dependent on me still, every friend I have has their own issues..and I am usually the positive listener and problem solver.
Its all so frustrating..
The pain is not as bad as it was, and I have scheduled appointments with specialists, now that my tummy is a little less swollen, there is a lump on the right side, trapped fart..prego..pendicitious..I have no idea, I would think with the 2 ultrasounds they would have been able to see something.
I do know it feels like its tearing when I move, and that I simple cannot take any more time off work and will have to work out pain management..I said I don't like drugs, so this is very hard for me to deal with. I tired quickly..I cry alot..mostly not knowing if my guts will fall out, or worry that I will have to have surgery..
The best news is I don't have cancer, aids or anything like that. The worst part of everything is when you are in a fairly New relationship and something like this happens, you feel helpless and think, will he wait for me? Will he still love me when I am swollen and disheveled?
Will he meet someone else who has less problems?
I am out of commission for the month of March, filled with tests and hospital visits..
The last visit I went back to the doctor and said in tears"You need to do something, my life is on hold! They said my option was to go to emergency and tell them I felt like my pendicitious is going to burst, then they would remove it and see whats going on.
Like I want to jump on that one, free pendicitious..come get your free organs..I cant believe I cannot get the camera in my belly button, and get this dealt with. To top it off, March is supposed to be Mental Health Month-Doctors should help their goddamn workers so they can work!
As a behavioral Interventionist, If I don't get fixed up soon, Their will be some behaviors!
Yesterday I also got reprimanded by my son for going on the net again to look up what it could be..Its very hard when you don't know what it is and you can do simple things.. like walk a normal walk, clean house..
Enough about Me, make sure you get all your health Junk checked out!
Stay healthy, get outside..be active..
Gvixen Signing out..
:(

1 comment:

  1. hey honey you will be ok you know I know these things so trust your momma you will be ok,
    love you sweetheart,great blog
    xoxox
    mamasita

    ReplyDelete